Page 82 of Dissension

It’s not supposed to feel like this, she thinks.It’s not supposed to hurt this bad.

She doesn’t understand if losing the idea of him is what hurts…or learning what Dieter was under the surface all along. She doesn’t know what that says about her.

Curled up in the dark of her room, all the shades pulled, Kara clicks through her phone, seeking the old voicemail she has saved, the one with no name attached to it anymore. The one she can’t bring herself to delete.

Clicking play, she lifts it to her ear, as if preparing to hear a guilty secret.

Dieter’s voice lilts into her eardrums, playful and charming as he babbles to her about his polo match and how he nearly got clobbered by Cliff Donahue, switching to how he needs her to fire his gardener because the man is being a complete ass on purpose-

Closing her eyes, she plays it again.And again.

Of all the ended relationships Kara’s gone through, she can’t understand why this is the one that feels like someone stuck their hand in her chest and ripped out all of her insides, grinding them into the dirt beneath their feet.

Dietrich Bittinger is a monster of the worst kind and she shouldn’t resent his absence.

It’s amazing that in comparison, suddenly Nicholas Havenwood-Calais doesn’t seem so horrible. He’s nearly a saint when stacked up beside Dietrich Bittinger.

Nick was right about him all along and I never listened to him. I thought his jealousy and his past with Dietrich wereclouding his judgment. But he was trying to warn me the whole time.

It’s Nick’s phone call that pulls her out of her strange miasma of misery. His voice is hesitant when she answers, surprisingly not full of that typical arrogance of his. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for a few days. I thought about what you said and…then when I didn’t go to the station, and I didn’t hear from you…” His tone sounds guilty, unsure. Not his typical self. “I know you meant to ghost me out of your life again after our past two meetings. But I still couldn’t get what you said out of my head. I thought it was too late for us.”

Sadness compiles on top of what already suffocates her. She can’t seem to muster the energy to speak, but somehow she barely manages, “I haven’t been ignoring you, Nick.” She saw repeated missed calls from him in her phone history. She couldn’t have answered even if she wanted to; she’d been a captive at the time.

A part of her remembers what Dieter mockingly told her; about Nick and Claire calling it off. Kara can’t even begin to hope it’s true. It could just be another cruel game. She can’t take much more of that.

“Then, why the complete radio silence?”

Where to even start? A moment of hysterical laughter almost creeps out of her lungs. Mad and insane, twisted from the horror of all her experiences and discoveries in the past few days. It’s not something she can even bring up over the phone. Especially not if it’s still being tapped by that goddamn nightmare man, Navarro.

Her voice cracks terribly. “Do you think…do you think you could come over today? And see me? Please?”

He sighs, likely remembering the first and last time he came to her apartment. The conversation they had. The shameful, filthy thing they did. “Are you sure you’re ready for me to come back?”

A well of emotion swells and Kara smiles sadly, feeling her eyes pricking. It takes all her strength to shove Dieter out of her mind. “Something bad happened. Somethingreallybad. It’s why I didn’t call you back. Icouldn’t.”

There’s silence for a moment as Nick digests her words. “Oh,Christ.” His voice sounds strained. “Tell me it wasn’t- no. Wait. Don’t say anything. Are you safe? Alright?”

She’s not alright, but she hopes that someday, she will be. “Yes. Just please. If you have time-”

“If I havetime?” He replies, aghast. “I’llmakethe time. I’m heading over now.” He’s never been one to be interested in being ‘available’, as it were. This immediate response, this urge to come and make sure she’s okay is stunning.

Once upon a time, she would have never dreamed of allowing Nick into her home. Not ever. When they first met, she never trusted him- andwith good reason. But now? Now her reasons to stay away from him seem so distant and silly, if it’s true that he and Claire have officially broken off their engagement.

He understands her. He knows her, and things about her that no one else understands. There’s a dark intimacy between them that canneverbe replaced. If only he would put his own happiness first and not his disgusting mother.

Maybe together, they can find a way to heal. With all this external bullshit out of the way, maybe they can focus on themselves instead of everyone around them.

When Nick arrives at her apartment, his normally stone cut features soften when he takes in her drawn appearance. “Kara.” His voice, a strangely soothing balm. Those blue eyes, trailingher face with familiarity, a visual caress. Concern is clear in his gaze.

It occurs to Kara that he’s never looked at her like this before.Worried for her.

A sad grin shapes her mouth, a useless expression. She feels beat and broken on the inside and knows she has healing marks along her spine that he cannot see. “That bad?”

He comes forward to her, hand outstretched. “What…did he do?How?”

Without any specifics, Nick already knows exactly who is responsible for her miserable appearance. A strange thing occurs to her then, a momentary fear. “Do you know what he’s involved in? With the torture warehouse?”

Nick doesn’t hesitate to cup her face, searching her eyes, allowing her to see all the truth in his. “I’ve had suspicions. When you called about the paid off witness, my suspicions became reality. But you know as well as I that he is untouchable.” He pulls her against his chest, wrapping her in his strong arms tight, meaning to give comfort-

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