Page 135 of The Duke and the Disciple

Valerian stifleda laugh as Aesylt stumbled over the threshold, skittering into the room. Her giggles trailed into the hallway, drawing the judging eyes of the more subdued drunkards in the tavern below. He quickly pushed himself inside and locked the door before collapsing into laughter.

Aesylt was half draped over one of the rickety chairs, gripping her head and shaking it. “I survivedyearsof Barynov wine, only to be taken down by an old man’s backyard cider?”

“You’re trying to make this an insult against our esteemed varietals, but really you’ve just validated my entire existence.” Valerian picked her fur up from the floor and hung it. He stumbled in trying to remove his own but eventually got it. “You, uh, struggling with those boots there, princess?”

With her tongue wedged between her teeth and her eyes narrowed at her laces, she raised a hand in an offensive salute.

“My, you’ve become vulgar.” He lowered before her and peeled her hands away so he could loosen her laces. “I like it.”

“They were interesting people, weren’t they?”

“Squabbled like an old married couple,” he said, pulling one boot off.

“That would have been Drazhan and me if he hadn’t met Imryll.”

Valerian chuckled. “Never. You’d have always had me.”

“I know, but... He would still be so broken, and I wouldn’t have had the heart to leave him.” Aesylt flagged over the table. She flexed the toes on her free foot. “Why is it that men are the sigils of strength in this realm but are always the ones more easily shattered when it matters most?”

Valerian fumbled her laces. Anytime she veered too close to speaking of what had happened the night and following morning of the Nok Mora, he and Niklaus had always steered her back to safe waters. She’d never been ready to face all she’d been willing and able to do in the shadow of the king’s horrors. He didn’t know how to get her there. “Men are just expected to be strong. It’s assumed. We’re only playing the part given us. But most of us aren’t born that way.”

She scoffed, nestling her face into her arm she’d folded atop the table. “Women are expected to be strong too, but nottoostrong, or we’re trying to assume the man’s role. And if we’re not strong enough, the world is too much for us. But if we’re... If we’rejust strong enough,to... raise families, to lead villages... No one has anything to say about it at all.”

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but we’re married now, so I’m saying it anyway.” Valerian pulled off her second boot and chucked it across the room. “The way Drazhan protects you just reeks of guilt to me. He knows you did what he couldn’t, and now he thinks he’s making it up to you, like those ten years didn’t happen. He doesn’t want to see you as you are because then he’d have to see who he was.”

“I just wish he’d hear me when I say I don’t care about the lost years anymore. We both dealt with things in our own ways, and at least he—” Aesylt hiccupped with a sour-faced frown. “We should have left after supper, V. I’m going to be tasting this for days.”

“At least he what, Aessy?”

“Found his happiness at the end of it all.” She planted her hands on the table and pushed to her feet, faltering.

Valerian quickly gathered her from the side and guided her to the bed. He sat at the edge, mulling her words.At least he found his happiness at the end of it all.Ancestors, how it stung, but what had he really expected, riding through the night to answer her desperate call? He’d rightly guessed why she’d sent for him, and he’d known, even before accepting, he wasn’t her first choice. Then. Now. Maybe ever. She’d always kept him at arm’s length, the space between them filled with a love more familial than ardent, and he’d pushed to narrow the distance inch by inch, blurring and perhaps even disrespecting the lines she’d established. It was always him pushing the boundaries. Always him making the moves. And she loved him too much to refuse.

And what good is love if it leaves her like this?

“Volemthe, Aessy.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Volemthe auvjek.”

“I love you evermore too,” she whispered, her eyes struggling to stay open.

Valerian had never been so nervous around her. Hadn’t thought twice about what to say or do. Before everything had gone so badly, he wouldn’t have hesitated to kiss her. Inebriated though he was, it hadn’t been enough to kill the desire raging within him. “Aesylt, I have to say something.”

She opened her eyes and met his.

“I want—badly—to touch you, but I’m scared it’s not what you want.”

“Oh...” Aesylt strained to rise onto her elbows. She scooted aside to make room for him. “We’re married now, and you shouldn’t have to feel like?—”

“Don’t. Don’t finish that thought.” Valerian lay down beside her. “You’ve been through the wars, and you need time.”

Aesylt sighed, turning her face against the pillow. “You shouldn’t have to wonder whether it’s appropriate to touch your own wife on your wedding night.”

“I can wait.” He shrugged, hoping he looked more indifferent than he felt. “And I was thinking, about the child... You know, the scholar and I have similar features. Both have dark hair, for one. No one should question it, other than the timing, but women give birth early all the time, don’t they?”

Aesylt peeled back from the pillow. “Valerian, I don’t want children.”

“Understandable that you wouldn’t wantthisone.”

“You’ve known this about me since...” She swallowed. “Since we were children ourselves. I would never have been so reckless with Rahn if I hadn’t truly believed we were exempt from such consequence in the celestial realm.” Her head shook. “There was one time we were not so careful, but it was near the end. By then I’d have already been gone with child.”

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