Page 131 of The Duke and the Disciple

“I used to wonder if I would ever cry again,” she said, swiping her face on both sleeves before looking up with a drowsy smile. “Now I wonder if I’ll ever stop.”

Valerian had wondered the same thing. Memories of that night were never far from his mind. Nor Nik’s. The two men had only spoken of the Nok Mora a handful of times since, but every time had been about Aesylt. Their worry for her. The fear of what suffering and denial turned into when buried so deep. “There’s nothing wrong with crying, beautiful. Makes your eyes bluer.”

“My...” Aesylt’s hands flew to her face, which crumpled in playful annoyance. “Did you... have much trouble getting out of the Cross?”

“Hardly any.” Valerian shrugged and sat back. It burned him to think of how easily he’d slipped away actually. If he’d ever questioned his role as a pawn in his father’s games, he needed to no longer. All the talk of dozens of guards in the halls outside of his room—the show of nursing their baby boy back to health—was just theater. In fact, the only thing his father had done since he’d awoken, aching and confused, was threaten him into swearing fealty to their cause. “Hoarfrost is pretty well guarded, but they mostly leave me alone, unless they need to parade me around town to send a message.”

“V.” Her expression fell. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Physically.” He breathed deep, blowing out a sharp breath. “Angry otherwise. Aesylt, you need to know that Inevertold Marek what we talked about that day before I went into the forest. Iwouldnever tell him. He’s my brother in blood only, always been my tormentor. My lifelong bully. You know that. I wouldn’t feed him a secret unless I wanted the world to know.”

“I believe you,” she whispered, finally peeling her hood away. He was startled at how much she looked like her mother, Sonia, who had been known as much for her nontraditional beauty as her quarter-Medvedev ancestry. Her portrait hung in the Great Hall of Fanghelm, and he had always been taken by it. “But how did he know? The betrothal could have been a fortunate guess, I suppose, but the starwalking?”

“He had help. Feist, my father’s koldyna.” Even from Aesylt he’d kept his family’s darkest secret. He’d wanted to tell her, but for all his father had failed him, Valerian still didn’t want to see the man executed. “She and Marek have... a special relationship. I don’t know the all of it, Aessy, but she’s given him access to magic he has no right knowing. He wasthere,somehow, we just couldn’t see him. And I know this is true because he told me, when he thought I was sleeping. Right before he informed me...” Valerian swallowed and pointed his gaze away to find the words. “That Father wouldn’t rest until Marek and you were the new stewards of the Cross. And while no one will admit this to me, I believe it was the koldyna, under the direction of Marek or maybe even my father, who cursed me so the wulves would bring me back.” He pursed his mouth. “I just don’t think they were expecting me to be alive when it happened.”

“Ancestors keep us. Your father...” Aesylt laughed bitterly. Her tongue caught the tears rolling over her lips. “I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am.”

“Sadly, me too.”

“And Iwouldhave married you, V. I made that promise because I was afraid for you, but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have followed through. They must know I would gouge my own eyes out and run myself into my sword before I would let your brother anywhere near me though.”

“They’re not interested in your compliance. They might even be happier without it.” Valerian shrugged. “I wish I could tell you when my father went from an ambitious man to a vile one, but the transition was so subtle, I didn’t see it until we were already embroiled in a civil war.”

“So that’s what they want, is it? To topple my brother and take his place?”

He nodded. “If I had known where you were, I would have come to you the moment I woke up.”

“Oh, you say that now, but...” Aesylt sucked her teeth with a heavy look at her lap. “It’s only because you don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?”

“What I’ve done.”

Valerian leaned in. “And what do you think you could have done that would make me turn away from my favorite person in the world?”

She met his eyes with a bracing look. “Fell in love with another man. Gave myself to him, body and soul.”

Her words landed softer than they should have because he’d been expecting them. Some of them anyway. “You’ve been in love with Scholar Tindahl since the day you met him.” He shook his head. “But I didn’t think the monk had it in him, honestly.”

“Oh, he only ‘had it in him’ in the name of science. I never got the chance to tell you, but Imryll gave our cohort one of Jasika’s curricula. Coitus.” She snorted. “I think she hoped Rahn would come up with some clever alternative to actuallyperformingthe experiments, but there wasn’t one. It was either find a way or the Reliquary would win. If she had known the two of us... She never, ever would have reassigned it.” She sawed her teeth along her upper lip. “I was the idiot who thought it was more.Hemade himself perfectly clear what it was. What it wasn’t. But everything that happened before Wulfsgate seems like an entire lifetime ago, and now I don’t know which way is up anymore.”

“Aesylt, if you think I would judge you for what you did with the scholar... That would be rather stupid of me, considering how many women I’ve been with.”

“It wasn’t just Rahn.” She wrung her hands until they were marked with red and white scores and then told him about a place called Revelry.

He’d heard of those secret societies of course, had even considered visiting one. But unlike her confession about the scholar, he was stunned to hear her relate what she’d done in the old abbey. He would cut out his own tongue before letting her see it though. “Ah, well...” He cleared the clog from his throat. “If I had someone who could get me in, I’d have done the same.”

Aesylt’s eyes narrowed slightly. “You haven’t even asked why I needed the grimizhna tea.”

“It only has one purpose, Aessy. Well, two, but you wouldn’t have requested it now if you weren’t already in trouble.” He nodded toward the door, where his bag rested on the ground. “I brought it. Niklaus got ahold of some, from a Petrovash vedhma, so you can thank him. I’m supposed to tell you it’s more likely that stress has affected your, um, moon flow. If you drink it and you feel fine after, then there was nothing to worry about. If you drink it and get sick...”

“I know.” Aesylt nodded solemnly. “I know how it works.”

“Do you really think...”

“I’m not only late; I’m unwell. Could also be from stress, but...”

“Right.” Valerian’s head was swimming. He’d been honest enough about not judging her, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t shaken by her confessions. Aesylthadlived another lifetime in the months since he’d seen her last. She’d fallen in love, had her heart shattered, and explored her desires with four different men. It should hurt. It would, he suppose, if he allowed himself to dwell on it. But he was her friend first and foremost. “You didn’t bring me all this way just to unload your conscience.”

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