Page 147 of The Duke and the Disciple

Drazhan turned without an answer, and Rahn, with one last longing glance at Aesylt, followed.

Drazhan pointed at the smaller chair in front of the desk and dropped into his. “Before we get into it, my gratitude is necessary.” His eyes flitted upward as he pulled a steady inhale, his fingers wrapped around the chair arms. “If you hadn’t known something was off with my sister, we might—wewouldhave been too late to help her. She’s alive and will eventually recover. Marek is dead, and will not, also thanks to you and your unexpected justice. Nor will the Barynovs, who now have no sons to force into my chair because Valerian is one of us now. Esker will be stripped of his title of baron and of his ownership of Hoarfrost, both of which will be passed to Valerian. Should Esker ‘reveal’ there are other boys running around conveniently bearing his blood, they are ineligible for inheritance as a condition of the penance. He has until tomorrow to leave the Cross on his own, or he’ll never again leave it alive.” He reached for the carafe of wine on his desk but changed his mind. “When Aesylt wakes, I’ll tell her that her marriage to Valerian has been undone. The minister hadn’t filed the documentation yet. I have the original in hand and will show it to her, before burning it.” He seemed to grow taller in his chair. “If she still wants to be Mrs. Valerian Barynov when she’s recovered, then we’ll give them a proper ceremony.”

Rahn tried to make sense of the massive amount of information Drazhan had shared in just a handful of breaths. “I see. The worst is behind us then.”

“Not quite.” Drazhan opened his drawer. He set a muddy wooden squirrel on the desk and sat back. “Uli found this in the wagon. I believe it belongs to you.”

Rahn’s breathing slowed, but his heart soared at the sight of it. “It was a gift. To her.”

“But it was on you.”

“I found it when I was looking for her that night. She must have dropped it on the way to the barn, where Marek...”

“Well, it’s either yours, Adrahn, or it belongs to the filth pile, because it’s not hers. Did you know...” Drazhan’s nose flared. “I debriefed with Valerian. He wasn’t very forthcoming at first. He’s loyal to her. And you. But when he realized the only trouble ahead of him would be if he lied, and that he was a part of this family now, he opened up. More and more, I’m beginning to understand what drove my sister from Wulfsgate in such desperation.”

“You’ll get no denials from me.” Rahn spread his sweaty hands down his pant legs. He’d never imagined the day he’d be left confessing to Drazhan about the weeks he’d spent entwined with his sister, but he wasn’t afraid of the aftermath, not anymore. “I left her confused and hurt and then said things, horrible things, that I knew would make her hate me. I thought it was what she needed to... move on. That I was helping her. It was only after she was gone when the dread sank in, and I realized I’d gone too far.”

“Perhaps it wasn’t just your words,” Drazhan said after a grueling pause, “but the fact she believed you’d gotten her with child and then abandoned her?”

Rahn’s chest constricted. His flesh erupted in head-to-toe tingles. All those times in the land of no consequence replayed in a frantic jumble, mixing. Only in the end had they... but that would have been too soon for her to know. “She never...” Rahn brought his hand to his mouth, fighting the onslaught of emotions swelling from deep within.

“Because you fucked her in the celestial realm, you thought you could do whatever you wanted to her because it wouldn’t count?” Drazhan’s entire face seemed to flare. “Well, she’s not pregnant, glory to the fucking Ancestors. She never was, and if she had been, her injuries would have seen to it. But she’s not the same, is she?”

“You’re expecting me to defend myself,” Rahn said slowly, no longer tethered to the seat, to anything. She’d come to him, scared and needing reassurance, and he’d offered only pain and rejection. Of course she’d sent for Valerian, because he’d never let her down. And he’d married her, knowing the potential child wasn’t his, because he was a better man than Rahn had ever given him credit for—a better man than he himself could ever be. He cleared his throat. “To do so would insult us both, and enough damage has been done.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to be stupid enough to defend yourself, butexplainyourself? I’ll take even a smidgeon ofthat.”

Two truths existed in Rahn: the one he’d fed himself to quell his swollen conscience, and the unadulterated truth, without qualifiers or self-deceptions. He’d given too much power to the first, at the expense of the second... at the expense of the only woman he’d ever let into his heart. “It began as a way to save the curricula. I don’t know when exactly, but at some point, perhaps at different times for each of us, it became more. Too much more. I think Aesylt believed that if we both wanted it enough, we might find a way, that...lovewould find a way, but I knew what she refused to see. Even if you’d have blessed our union, I’m not...” Tears stung his eyes. “I cannot give her what I cannot even find for myself.”

“Love.” Drazhan stretched his arms to the corners of his desk with a steely look at the stack of papers in front of him. “You aren’t the first man to hurt the woman he says he loves. Butthiswoman has someone stronger looking after her, and I don’t care if your love is bigger than the fucking White Sea, Adrahn. It’s harmful. It broke her. And you won’t get a chance to mend it, because by the morning, I want you gone. I don’t care where you go.”

Rahn shook his head wildly. “Drazhan, I need to stay atleastuntil she wakes up. I have to apologize, to make things right?—”

“I’ll send you with any resources you need to take you where you choose. But you will not return. You will not see my sister again. And when she asks where you’ve gone, I will tell her the truth. That Adrahn Tindahl is a coward whocouldhave sat here in this room and fought for her but didn’t.”

“I won’t deny any of that is true, but I failed her once, and I won’t—Ican’tlet her down again. I need her to hear it fromme.”

Drazhan didn’t seem to hear him at all. “Aesylt will never have to settle foranyman who wouldn’t lay it all down to protect her.” He stood. “If you’re wondering why I haven’t killed you, my wife would call it character growth.” He snorted. “Or maybe I just don’t want to look my baby sister in the eyes again and confess yet another way I’ve hurt her. But if you’re not gone by noontide tomorrow, character growth can go fuck itself.”

Rahn pushed to his feet with a shaky breath. “Then kill me.”

Drazhan rolled his eyes. “Don’t leave on my account, Adrahn. Do it for her. She has everything she needs here, but she’ll never see it as long as you’re here. You’re a millstone about her neck, blinding her from what’s real, only offering ephemeral glimpses into what happinessmightlook like. That isn’t love. It’s selfishness. If you are actually capable of love, this is how you prove it.”

Rahn balledthe letter and hurled it into the hearth, where it landed next to a dozen others that weren’t remotely adequate.

Say little. But say enough.Every attempt had borne those objectives in mind, and they’d all come miserably short of what he needed to say. Drazhan had agreed to deliver the letter in place of a more meaningful good-bye, but only if he approved of the contents.

I see myself now so clearly. You gave this to me. You opened my past, so I could have a future. Nothing I taught you over the past year comes close to all you’ve taught me. You have such a brilliant mind and?—

He discarded the thirteenth attempt.

Drazhan was right. Rahn was a selfish coward. And to bear his heart fully, on the eve of offering her freedom of all they’d done together, would be the most craven act of all.

Rahn tossed the fourteenth try into the fire.

You are as imitable as the stars in our interminable sky. And I am not fit to stand in your shine.

He tore his hands down his face and let them land on the desk with a defeated thud.

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