Page 148 of The Duke and the Disciple

Only a fool would walk away from a love as powerful as ours, so I must be the greatest fool to have ever walked this realm.

“No, no, and no,” he muttered, starting over again.

When you asked me if I loved you, I have never told such a lie as that one. And had I not worked so hard to hide it, to fight it at every step, you’d have seen the lie as clearly as if I’d claimed not to require breathing for survival.You’d have known that only the mind can deny what the heart has decided. I know all this now, but it means little when I have hurt you more than I could ever atone for. I have hurt the person I love most in this world. You. Only you. Always you. And it is with love that I leave your life forevermore, so you can step into your promising future knowing you deserve so much more. Never settle, Aesylt. Never compromise on what you need. If I was a better man, I’d have met you right where you needed me to.

Rahn groaned and threw the balled attempt at the wall.

To offer his raw honesty was not kindness. It was selfish. Love would be giving her just enough to find peace and move on, without him.

He withdrew the last piece of vellum and went to work.

Aesylt watchedthe attendants add logs in her hearth as Drazhan spoke. He’d filled in the parts lost to her—some of them anyway. He was still withholding something.

Marek was dead. Her marriage to Valerian had been nullified, but he had become an honorary member of the Wynter clan for his loyalty. The Barynovs had offered a full and unconditional surrender, though Drazhan had his own conditions, which, as far as Aesylt was concerned, were the most gracious he’d ever offered anyone. He’d always had a soft spot for Esker, she thought, for like Fezzan, he’d stepped up for Ezra’s kids after the Nok Mora, and it might have been the only reason the man was still breathing.

Best of all, Drazhan had said, smiling at her from his awkward pose at the end of her bed, she was going to make a full recovery. And the village would have a wonderful year ahead, thanks to all the meat she’d secured in her hunt with Lord Dereham.

Aesylt pulled herself up against the headboard. She tried to smile. She wanted to, for him. As light and happy as his words seemed, there was trepidation just under the surface, like more foul business was waiting around the next corner. “You said Marek was killed. Was it my doing? With the pitchfork?”

“That might’ve done him in, with time.” Drazhan looked away briefly, but Aesylt noticed. “The scholar took his sword to him. Right through his heart.”

“Rahn killed him?” Her pulse rocketed from gentle to a resounding thud at even the idea of what Drazhan had revealed.I do love you, Aesylt, but not like that.I’m deeply sorry if I inadvertently contributed to your belief otherwisewere not the words of a man who had slayed a monster for her.

“Tak.” The veins in his neck were taut enough to pop.

“Why are you...” Aesylt wasn’t even sure what her question was. She had so many.

“He’s gone, Aesylt. Left this morning. And it’s for the best. For you.” She angled forward to object, but he reached for her ankle and wrapped his fingers around it, steadying her. His stare was on the window. “I know what happened in Wulfsgate. I’m not angry, cub. Not at you. Iknowwhy you...” His face scrunched into a scowl. “I just wish you’d talked to me.”

The truth was out then. Had come out while she was sleeping, giving everyone a chance to sit with it—everyone except her. Curiously, his even-keeled words matched his temperament. He didn’t seem angry. He seemed sad, like he was losing her.

For the first time in over a decade, Drazhan was asking her to open up to him.

“He left?” She wrapped her robe tighter, crossing her arms over her chest. “Why?”

“It was the right thing to do.”

“Why,wulf?”

“I told him to.” Drazhan faced her. “He could have fought me. He didn’t.”

“No one would dare fight you, Drazhan!” Aesylt exclaimed, but her heart was shattering. Rahn had come back for her. He’d murdered for her. And according to Valerian, he had ridden in the wagon at her side, refusing to leave until they’d unloaded and carried her to her bedchamber, and he’d only left when Drazhan and Fezzan had forced him out.

“You can believe this or not, but he didn’t even try, cub. He sat there, defeated and weak, and agreed it was the right thing to do.” Drazhan ground his jaw in disgust. “The smartest men are often the greatest fools. He failed you. And... so did I.”

Aesylt couldn’t help but laugh. “You think I had an affair with Rahn Tindahl because of a lack of strong male influence in my life?”

Drazhan balked. “I said nothing of the sort.”

“Your fault?” Aesylt leaned in. “Draz, I’m two decades along in this life. My girlfriends are all wed. Most of them have children of their own now. Imryll is only a year my senior and is blissfully married, readying for a second child. Either I’m too young for any of it or I’m too old to not have a strong prospect lined up, but I’mtiredof being seen as the little girl who watched her brother and father murdered in front of her and has been through ‘so much.’ Why does no one see the one who guided the restoration of her village? The one who never gave up and still found fulfillment through her own interests? Her own experiences?”

“I don’t see you that way, cub,” Drazhan said, shaking his head at the bed. “I don’t.”

“No? Then you’ll believe me when I tell you I have donenothingwith Rahn that I didn’t choose for myself, and...” She pressed a hand to her chest to suppress a sigh. “I regret none of it. I fell in love with someone incapable of loving me back, but I see now that this isn’tmyfailure. He’s the one who has lost. I wish I’d never dragged Val into this, but I thank you for seeing the goodness in his heart and bringing him into our family. He’s not like his father and brother. He’s one of us. In a way...” The next words would hurt worst of all. “Rahn never could be. And didn’t want to be.”

Drazhan sat with that long enough she thought he might get up and leave. It gave her time to steady her heart, still so shattered no matter what she’d said. But if she said it enough, she’d believe it. She had to believe it. Otherwise, she’d be conceding that the greatest happiness of her life was already behind her.

“I know Hraz was your favorite,” he whispered. “He would have known what to say.”

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