Page 8 of Broken Bonds

I clutch my belly as I feel the just barely noticeable flutters of movement, like the babies are competing for space with each other inside me already, and we still have so much more time to go. The guys loved it when I started to feel them move, saying they couldn’t wait to feel them too. They’d all rush over, placing palms on the growing area to wait and hope they’d get the chance to feel for themselves when they’d realize they were moving.

There won’t be anyone to do that anymore.

Sniffling, I wipe my nose on the bottom of my shirt before looking around at the place we built for ourselves. I’ve experienced a lot of calmness since we got this place and started remodeling it for us. Now, I wonder if I’ll ever be happy here again.

No matter where I look, they’re there.

The image of Ollie in the kitchen cooking my breakfast is still vivid in my mind. I can still envision Rule walking down the hallway in his sweatpants, bare-chested as he works his towel through his dark hair. I can still see Lake and Van goofing off on the sofa while they play their video games.

I can still hear their laughter echoing through the air.

I shut my eyes tightly. We hadn’t prepared for the unlikely situation that one or all of them could be gone in an instant. At least not that I’m aware.

The guys were the ones responsible for our family’s financial support. I have a job, but it’s not much in terms of pay. I don’t make nearly what they did.

All of the things I need to take care of now seem to press down on me suddenly.

I need to arrange a funeral. A memorial service. Figure out where I’ll want them buried. I’ll also need to make sure they each have something nice to wear.

When I think of all my to-dos, my eyes start to gloss over and I find myself lost in my own head.

I must have been so lost in my thoughts that I was oblivious to what was going on for a while. When I feel the gentle touch of soft hands on my shoulders, I jump in surprise.

Jilly is sitting next to me with a sorrowful expression on her delicate face. Her eyes are red rimmed, like she’s been crying as much as I have, and it wouldn’t surprise me.

Jillian is an important member of our family. She’s been with us since the day we found her in an alley, trying to protect herself from some alphas she had managed to anger seven years ago. Without hesitation, I extended my hand to her and told her she would be coming home with us.

She became more of a sister than just a friend to me from that moment onward.

The tears on my cheeks have dried up, leaving my face feeling tight and stiff. I’m sure if I took the time to look in the mirror, I’d be confronted by a chaotic reflection.

Swollen eyes, bright red nose, tear tracks for days, and a nest made out of my hair.

“How about a shower?”

She speaks to me in a tender voice, trying to coax me out of the position I’ve been in since the police left after giving me the most devastating news I have ever received. They left like they hadn’t just turned my world upside down, with only muttered condolences for my loss.

I give her a slight nod and grasp her hands with mine. She carefully guides me up, not pulling too hard. My muscles spasm, and I grimace as I grab my back and rub the soreness there. The bones in my knees make a cracking sound when I stand up straight, not used to being in one spot for so long, especially on the couch where there’s just enough room for me to stretch out.

I try to breathe through the tears attempting to build back up as we walk down the hallway. Our bedroom door is open, a habit of mine when none of us are in there. I hiccup and scurry past the open door, not glancing in.

Jillian leads me to the hall bathroom, already aware I won’t go into the vacant room. I’m not sure if I will ever have the nerve to go back in there.

Jilly bustles around me in the bathroom, hanging a towel up for me and leaving a washcloth on the edge of the bath. She grabs me a new bar of soap and sets it out as well before turning the water on. Once she’s finished mothering me, she lingers at the doorway.

“I’ll get you some clothes and set them on the sink. Do you need anything else, Rams?”

Her voice is quiet, guarded. I shake my head.

“No. Thank you, Jilly. Please close my bedroom door when you’re finished. I can’t look in there right now.”

My voice trembles as I stare listlessly into the empty shower as the water pounds onto the floor.

She gives me a knowing look, then nods before exiting, the door closing silently behind her with a gentlesnick. To ease my tension, I take a few deep breaths and then I remove my clothes.

I keep my composure until I’m under the warm spray and then I just break. I stand and stare as the water swirls beneath my feet, my tears adding to the flow as it drains away. My body is wracked with shudders when I slide down the wall and sit on the floor of the tub, wrapping my arms around my knees as best as I can with my growing bump in the way.

We should be making plans for a baby shower, future birthdays, and trips together.

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