Page 69 of Ho Ho Oh No

Tomer spouts off again, “Vicodin and hydrocodone are also the same thing.”

Sammy groans and kicks her feet against the door in a stream of gentle taps, probably attempting to distract herself. “Fuck, Tomer. Are you a pharmacist or something? If so, give me the fucking drugs. Don’t hold out on me, or I’ll let my water break in your SUV.”

“Please don’t. I’m sorry,” Tomer appears contrite.

He and Lettie haven’t been to birthing classes yet, or he’d know she can’t control that.

Even in her current state, she doesn’t need me to defend her. Such a ball buster.

Sammy releases my hand, shaking hers out before grabbing me even harder. “And you’re getting a vasectomy. This is fucking bullshit.” Four more deep breaths and a series of groans. “This is the patriarchy. At some point in the past, men probably had to do this. And they fucked us over. Fucking men. You’re all the worst.”

She’s delirious. None of what she said made sense.

I need to get her to focus on something other than the pain and rage before our guards decide to let us fend for ourselves. Kidding.

“Breathe with me. I’ll guide you through it.” Using the technique they taught us in those classes, I lead her through the breathing exercises until her contraction passes.

Once it does, her entire body releases the tension, all her limbs relaxing at once. She goes utterly limp. It’s as if it takes all her energy reserves to fight through the pain.

“That was the worst one yet,” she mutters quietly.

“Sammy, it was also super long and only two minutes after the prior one. You’re most definitely in active labor. I think all those back pains you were having were labor pains.”

“I know.”Andnow she’s back to tears. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to get through the fucking party. Lettie was so excited about it, and she’s had such a fucked-up year. Plus, I didn’t want the babies to have Christmas birthdays. It’s gonna suck for them. I was using mind over matter to keep them in there a few days longer.”

“How’d that work out for you, sis?” Apparently, Leo’s done being silent.

“Not so great,” she sobs.

I suppose since her pain-induced rage has faded, her guilty conscience has completely taken over. She’s worked so hard over the last few years to deal with her anger.

I just hold her tightly, loving her with my touch.

“Guys, I’m sorry about the man-bashing. It was the pain talking. I think men are... great.”

We all laugh, especially Sammy.

“No, I’m with you,” Aaron teases. “Men ruin everything.”

Jonesy piles on. “We suck.”

“Men are why we can’t have nice things,” Leo adds with a despondent shake of his enormous head.

I get in on the bit with my own flare, adopting a valley girl tone and cadence. “Oh my gosh.Totally. Why are they so grody? Just gag me with a spoon already. Wish they’d all eat their shorts.”

Tomer joins in, surprising everyone. “Destroying the climate. Nuclear weapons. GMOs. Systematic oppression. And let’s not forget...all the wars.”

Almost immediately, everyone echoes the last one. “All the wars.”

When the laughter finally ebbs, Sammy releases a contented sigh. “Thanks, guys. I needed a good laugh.”

“It’s the one thing we’re good for,” Lionheart tosses.

Sammy rises off my lap and ruffles the back of her brother’s head. “I can think of one other thing, but I’ll keep it to myself so I don’t make the rest of the drive awkward for you, Leo.”

He sticks his fingers in his ears. “La, la, la, la.”

“Fucking hell,” she grumbles, then sucks in a hiss of oxygen. “Bad news for the patriarchy.Another one is coming. Prepare for profanity. Sorry in advance.”

---