Page 17 of Ho Ho Oh No

Baby steps are still steps.

We still need to double up when away from HQ, so Junior’s been floating between the parking lot with me and the range with the ladies. Given the location, we’re good without extra backup.

Foolishly, I thought I could use the quiet time in the vehicle to unfuck myself from this gift nightmare. Or should I saylack-of-giftnightmare.

Fucking holidays.

And this is such a special one. It’s our first Christmas as a couple and parents. Not to mention that it’s Val’s first Christmas since her parents and aunt died.

I really wanted everything to be perfect. And I’m fucking it up.

When Junior gets to the SUV, I unlock the doors so he can slide in.“Any luck?”

A mangled groan of frustration rattles in the back of my throat. “Nope. I’m so fucked.”

He roughly squeezes my shoulder, giving me a shake. “You sure as hell are. Fucked hard without lube. You poor, pathetic bastard.”

Someone needs to knock this fucker down a peg.

And I’m just the someone to do it. It’s one of my many talents.

Just checking in, dumb twat. Is this talent better than your talent at gift-giving or worse? Where does it fit in your long list of expertise?

I hate my conscience.

Instead, I focus on Junior, the other shit disturber in my life. I pin him with a crooked glare. “Lube or not, at least I won’t be fucking my right hand like you.”

Boom. Take that, young buck.

His head rears back. “Shep, hate to break it to you, but I won’t be fucking your right hand either. Or the left hand.”

Ha ha ha. Take that, dumb twat.

“Damn. Walked right into that one.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Junior, what the fuck am I going to do? I only have...” With a flick of my wrist, I check my watch. “One hundred and seventy-one minutes until the party starts.”

He throws his face, contorting it comically. “You been doing Mathletes shit with Val when I’m not around? Who the fuck counts time like that?”

“A doomed man on the edge. A man who is hours away from screwing the pooch on the first gift-giving holiday with his new family.”

I aggressively swipe the shopping app closed and toss my phone into the console, sending a pen flying in the process. My forehead lowers to the top of the steering wheel as I rack my brain.

Rack somewhere else. Nothing up here with me other than cobwebs.Oh and there’s a tumbleweed.

All traces of Junior’s cocky bravado fade as he consoles me. “It’s fine, Shep. Kri doesn’t seem like the materialistic type, unlike your minor ward in there.” A look of annoyance flashes across his face, but before I can jump on it, he keeps on. “Anything you get Kri will be fine. We’ll drop them off at HQ and hit the mall. I’m sure we can find something and be back in an hour. Plenty of time to get dressed for the party. No one will ever know you’re having an existential crisis over this.”

I squint at him through one eye, trying to gauge if he’s about to fuck with me some more. I wouldn’t blame him if he had a punchline in the hopper.

But he seems genuine. I can only presume he realizes how fucking stressed I am over this and wants to help.

Time to man up. I got this.

Shaking off my gloom and doom, I spring off the steering wheel. “You’re right. I have plenty of time. We’ll drop off the girls at HQ, where they’re safe. Then we’ll hit the mall. An hour tops. In and out. No problem.”

“That’s more like it.” He winks, nods his chin at me, then faces the windshield. “I need to buy a last-minute gift while we’re there too. Forgot someone.”

I hold out my fist for a bump, which he returns.

Something he said rattles around inside my skull with the tumbleweed, and it makes me a tad defensive of one of my girls. “Junior, stop trashing Val like that. You know she isn’t materialistic. Why are you always on her case? I mean, I love busting chops too. Just take it easy on her, huh? She’s had a rough year.”

---