Page 23 of Ho Ho Oh No

Her blinks grow fierce, and she bares her teeth at me. “Are you honestly mansplaining contractions to me?” The hostility of her blinks increases tenfold.

Yes, my Sammy has angry blinks. She says it’s her rage monster. And I think it’s adorable.

I fling my palms up. “Not mansplaining, princess. If you say it’s just a back strain, then I’m sure it is. You know your body best.”

Fifty bucks says it’s more than a back strain. And I know her body better than I know my own, so I’m sure I know hers more than she knows hers. That’s solid logic, by the way. Don’t think about it for too long.

However, I also know better than to double down on my belief that she might be in labor when she’s already this miserable from carrying our children for nine long months, the last of which has been spent cooped up in Redleg HQ. But I’m not letting her out of my sight today.At some point, she’ll realize what’s happening. No matter how stubborn she may be.

“Downstairs for a back rub, then?”

“I suppose I can attempt to walk, knowing my prize is a massage.”

After gently removing her legs from my lap, I point at her plate. “Are you done pretending to eat?”

“Yes, babe. I am.”

Working quickly, I wrap up her sandwich and toss it in the fridge in case she wants it later. Then I return to her side, helping her stand. “Want me to carry you?”

She blows a raspberry while hefting the rest of the way to her feet. “Then your back will be hurting, and I’ll have to hear you bitch about it. And I’m too damn swollen to be carried unless there’s a team of scantily dressed men in loincloths that want to hoist me into the air on that sedan thing. I’m still game for that approach.”

“Sorry, princess. The only man you’re going to see in a loincloth is me next Halloween. You just gave me a great costume idea.”

“Speaking of costumes, I’m regretting my decision. Do I really have to wear that thing? I don’t know if it’s still gonna fit. Can’t I get a pregnancy pass? All I want to do is hover at the cookie table anyhow, likely stuffing sweets into my face at record speeds. It’s the only food that tastes good these days. That and fresh oranges. Such a bizarre craving.”

I kiss the side of her head as we stroll down the hall toward the elevator. “Getting our little babies Vitamin C before they’re even born. Such a good mama already.”

Through a beaming smile, she snarks, “Kiss ass.”

“Is that an offer? I accept. It would give me great pleasure to kiss your ass. Your belly. Your thighs. Your breasts. And every other part of you.” Leaning close to her ear, I add, “Including that perfect little pussy.”

She doesn’t respond with words.

But her pace picks up. It’s still a slow stroll, but she’s definitely moving faster.

At the elevator, she mashes the button six times in rapid succession.

I rock on my heels, keeping my gaze straight ahead. “In a hurry, princess?”

As soon as the door opens, she bolts inside. But I wait, happily messing with her. Anything to rile her up.

She doesn’t disappoint. “Get in the damn elevator, Sawyer. Maybe I’ll play with your cock in here for old time’s sake.”

“We’re already married, but I accept your proposal.”

Chapter 7

Nuttin' for Christmas

SAMMY

Every woman knows that when a man offers to give you a back rub, there’ll be funny business.

Jokes on Sawyer. I’m more than game for getting frisky.

We have plenty of time before the party. AndI’ll try anything to take my mind off this stupid freaking back pain. Two days of this shit. I’m down for some orgasmic healing. What can it hurt?

However, I still want a back massage. I’m horny, not stupid.

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