Page 47 of Warmer, Colder

Attempting to provoke that fervor from her, I tangle my tongue with hers, rubbing along that pink and silver piercing that teases me every time she speaks her stinging words. Still, she barely reacts.

“Is something wrong?” I don’t bother hiding my frustration.

“What do you think you’re doing exactly?”

“I—” Confusion swims through me as I look into her deep brown eyes that are flat and cold, there’s none of that simmering heat beneath the surface. She’s been tempting me with her words and body during nearly every interaction we’ve had. “Isn’t this what you wanted?

“You can’t just use me,” she bites out.

“I’m not.”

“I won’t let you enjoy this and then deny anything happened tomorrow.” With feather-light fingers, she pulls up my flannel that’s fallen down my shoulder. “What is it that you want, Becca?”

“I want to do this.” I gesture between us.

“Do what, exactly?” Her prodding words poke at the monster of grief that’s lingering just beneath my skin.

“Why won’t you just make this easy? This doesn’t have to mean anything. It doesn’t have to change anything.” I slap my hand on the edge of the tub. “I just need to forget about everything. I just need a distraction.”

A flash of betrayal sharpens her features, making her previous disdain for me feel like child’s play. “Is that what I am? A pretty distraction?” Her glare could incinerate me. “Are you still trying to deny that you want this?Wantme?” The words are a snapping bite against my lips. “Are you saying that if I was literally anyone in the world, it wouldn’t matter because you just need someone to make you forget about how you fucked up your life?”

I have to look away to hold back the tears that are on the precipice of springing free.

“Answer. Me.” Her fingers dig into the side of my chin, and my hand snaps around her wrist at the discomfort.

“Yes.” My nervous swallow is absurdly loud in the silence between us. “I told you; I’m not interested in women like that. I was just drunk. I was just…experimenting.”

“Oh, okay. I see. So you’re not interested in women, but one will do for a quick, desperate fuck?” Her eyes are wide with furious disbelief. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Lips that are still wet with my saliva brush across my cheek as she brings them to my ear. “You know what I think?”I don’tbut I can’t find my words, so she continues. “I think that you’re a dirty little liar. I would bet everything that your panties are drenched.” She shifts her weight in my lap, her own wetness apparent against my stomach. “I think that every inch of your body is telling you to touch me, and not because of that bullshit about a distraction.” She laughs viciously. “You want to kiss me, want to touch me,want me to touch youbecause you know that it’ll feel better than anything else you’ve ever experienced in your entire life. Having me get you off would bethe greatest fucking escape.“A yelp escapes me as she takes my ear between her teeth and tugs one of my piercings. I shove her back. “Next time you want to play a game that’s way out of your league, you should know that if I ever fucked you, it would change everything.”

Her cockiness pours gasoline on the warring emotions within me. Everything I’ve been holding back is burning up in my veins. The cruel smile that twists her lips sets fire to my self-control. I’m scrambling to catch it before it douses the heat that rises within me. Her hand sliding up my thigh seeking that damning evidence triggers the explosive that detonates. “Don’t touch me.” My nails dig into the top of her hand, halting its ascent. “You want the truth? Fine. The only reason I kissed you is because I thought a slut like you would be an easy distraction. As you said, who even cares anymore whether I like women or not, we’re dead.” Confidence builds behind my voice as I watch her control of the situation slipping away. “You were right. Happy? I was just using you. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m sure a girl like you is used to that, right?”

Challenge sparks in Stasi’s eyes as she shoves the hurt that was just there down somewhere I can’t reach. “You’re cute when you try to be mean. You know that, right?” Her hands burn as they press into my shoulders. “It’s going to be such a sweet victory when you finally give in. I can’t wait to squeeze around those elegant fingers when you can no longer resist the urge to touch me. I might even reward you by moaning your name while you fuck me with a lifetime of denial catching up to you.”

“That’snotgoing to happen.” My fingers tighten around her wrist. Whatever foolish notion I’d walked into this with, I’d long since come to my senses.

“Oh, Becca.” Stasi pouts mockingly. “You’ve gotten too comfy in that closet. But now that I’ve turned on the light, you’re going to realize how tiny and suffocating it really is in there.” Stasi twists her hands so she’s mirroring my hold on her. “When you’re ready to finally come out, let me know if you need a helping hand.” Her nails dig into my skin. “I’ll take my payment in the form of you coming with my name trapped behind those gritted teeth.”

“I hate to disappoint you, but this was a mistake that won’t happen again.” I snap, but the words hold no weight as she shoves me back and crawls over me. I catch a glimpse of her round ass exposed in the mirror before I force my eyes back to her face.

“Fine by me. Unlike you, I know how to keep a fantasy in check. Yours are going to drive you off a goddamned cliff.”

Her words are sharp. Every inch of her presses into me, pinning me down. The familiar position flips my reality on its head and once again I’m fighting for control of my body. Reflexes in overdrive, I begin thrashing, arms flailing and pushing, legs scrambling so my heels can find purchase. Like last time, I can’t free myself. “Get off. Get off, getoff, getoff, getoff.” Panic seizes me, like a hand around my throat that makes it hardto breathe and impossible to think clearly. There’s just a steady stream of fear pumping through me. I can’t hear anything but my own cries and ragged breath. I can’t see anything but the shadow moving above me. When my head slams against the tiled wall, it knocks me back into the moment. The one where it’s just me and Stasi. The one where I’m relatively safe, aren’t I?

Stasi reaches forward but when I shrink back, she stops. “Shit! I’m sorry. Can I—are you—what happened?”

“Get away from me.”

“I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay.” Steady eyes try to hold mine but I’m desperate to look at anything but her.

“I’m not. Get. Out!” The shout surprises even me. I rarely ever allow myself to express anger, let alone raise my voice at people. But there’s too much warring for my attention, like the black mass hovering over us on the ceiling that I’ve been pointedly ignoring. I’m unable to make out the whispers it rains down on us as all my focus pours into Stasi. I know I should be more concerned with how it grows larger every time I see it, but right now, I just don’t have it in me to care about anything but disappearing into my grief.

Chapter 22

Becca

31 Days Dead

Days easily melt into each other as I relive the nightmare that was the last few months of my life. Our bodies remember even when we don’t want to. Even when we put up our shields and lock the memories behind a steel door, we can’t erase the violence that’s reshaped our bones or the trauma that’s scarred our skin. The best defenses come unraveled with the slightest touch in just the right spot. All that hard work has gone to waste. All the mental fortitude, a failed effort. When the gates fall the onslaught of memories come charging in, a legion of horrors from the greatest depths of my soul. With every foot they gain in their breach, I remember.

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