Page 110 of Forgiving Fate

Forgiveness is tricky and a task that has no limitations on the right way to do it. It is also incredibly difficult to do when it involves people you care about.

I cannot promise that I will ever forgive myself for almost letting you slip through my fingers, but I will try my hardest.

I may have broken a promise, but I swear on everything I am that will never happen again.

We promised hard truths, and this is mine.

Watching the light drain from your eyes in that field with smoke is an image that keeps playing over and over in my head like a bad horror movie. I almost lost you Allie Girl. I almost lost the most beautiful thing that has ever existed in my life.

I was broken before, but failing you will always be my biggest fear, and in that moment, that fear became a reality.

I know you say it was not my fault and I promise to try to see it from your eyes, but it’s going to take me a while.

In your letter, you said that you felt like an invisible string was holding us together. Now, that was the surprise of a lifetime and it’s not because what you said was one sided, it is because for weeks I have been telling myself that this magnetic pull I’ve felt between us was a figment of my fucked up mind. And I have to tell you, the moment I read those words, I felt every emotion I didn’t even know existed until that second. But guilt and hatred for myself replaced it.

How can I feel this pull and need to be by your side when I can barely stand on my own two feet? How can I be the man that deserves to have someone like you standing by my side, in any capacity, when a fire burns so deep inside me I can barely breathe some days?

The answer is that I cannot, but I am about to find out if that man lies somewhere deep inside me.

So to your promises.

I did what you asked and took a good look in the mirror. I have known for a long time I am not the man I want to be. So I am going to get help. I have no idea how long I will be gone, but I can promise you that I will not come back until I know I can stand on my own two feet and be proud of the person that I will become.

When I come back, I will fight fate and yank on that invisible string to make sure that you and I meet at the end of that long, dark tunnel.

Allison Paige Evans, I want to thank you for showing me what lies beyond the darkness, even if it was just for small moments at a time. You are the strongest person I know and I know for certain that you will come out of this shining brighterthan ever, because you are a fierce storm on the horizon and anyone would be a fool to stand in your way.

I only have one promise to ask of you, but it holds the weight of millions.

Forgive yourself.

I want you to promise me that you will find a way to forgive yourself. I know you hold the weight of your parents and Logan on your heart. I can sit here and say it wasn’t your fault until the world ends, so I won’t say that. What I will say is that you cannot let the weight of other‘s decisions drag you down anymore.

It’s easier said than done, but I know in my broken soul that your parents and Logan would never want you to feel anything other than proud. You fought hard for the people you love and that’s what matters the most at the end of the day.

So tap into that fierce strength and try to find it somewhere inside of that beautiful mind and heart of yours to see what the rest of us see. A true survivor.

Now I am handing this off to Wesley and he has promised to get it to you.

I cannot wait to see you in the light and kick your sexy ass at Uno.

Most of all, I cannot wait to tug on the line and see my best friend.

Landon

Overleve

#4

Bluebird,

Hi. That feels so simple for what this letter may be, but words are not my strong suit, as you know.

Becoming sober has been the most painful and mind-altering thing I have ever experienced. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I never expected it to be this difficult. Which sounds stupid, because of course, taking away the thing I have grown addicted to for years wouldn’t be easy.

I know I probably sound like an idiot, but I have been in therapy every day since I got here. My therapist and I have worked through so much and still have so much more to go.

Every time he and I speak, somehow you get brought into the equation and after weeks of asking, he finally has given me permission to reach out to you. His reasoning was irritating at first, but now I can see why.

---