Page 7 of Pied Sniper

“Most of our family customers prefer to plan ahead but we do have options to return your car and use it as a down payment against your next purchase. Or you could swing a lease/purchase option at a very affordable rate. Will you be trading in your current vehicle?” he blundered ahead, apparently unaware of his faux pas.

“No,” said Solomon. “We just need a replacement for Lexi’s car. Hers was written off.”

“An accident? You’ll have to be careful with your new one,” said the salesman, wagging his finger. “Your husband won’t like the spike in insurance premiums.”

“I suppose blowing up two of them would make me a bad risk,” I sighed as I wandered off to the next car, leaving Wesley with his mouth wide open. He recovered fast enough to hurry after me. “This is nice,” I said, looking at the high-end sports car.

“If you want it, we’ll buy it,” said Solomon.

“Great idea. A sports car for the gentleman, and you can drive the family car,” said Wesley.

“I just changed my mind,” I said, skirting the sleek model to the next car, hoping that the salesman would lose interest and go away. Solomon stepped in front of him, pointing at another model. As I turned around, I collided with the lady I saw earlier. She was carrying a pile of paperwork that started to teeter and I helped her steady it as she regained her footing.

“Thanks,” she said. “I would hate to have to reorganize all this paperwork. It would take longer than it took to sell the cars in the first place.”

“You’re a saleswoman?” I asked.

“I know. I don’t look like one. I haven’t mastered the comb-over or the bad manners yet but give me a little more time,” she added softly, biting back a laugh.

I liked her already. “Do you work on commission too?” I asked.

“Yes, we all do. I’m Kelly.”

“Kelly, I want to buy that one,” I said, pointing at the black car I was walking towards.

“Well, sure but isn’t Wesley…” She cast a nervous glance at the salesman hurrying towards us.

“Nope,” I decided. I didn’t want Wesley getting a single dime from me. He was patronizing, annoying and apparently, deaf to my answers. “I prefer to have you help me.”

“Well, sure, I can help you right now.” Kelly smiled and turned away from Wesley. “Um, let’s go look at the car. It’s actually part of our nearly new collection. It’s two years old with only one previous owner and very low mileage. The door’s unlocked so you can hop in. Is it the right size for what you need now and in the near future?”

“I need it to be inconspicuous with a big enough trunk for grocery bags. I want to parallel park without feeling like I’m storing a jet in a hangar, and small enough to fit into a grocery store parking space with enough extra room to actually open the door and get out. I like to check my lipstick in a good-sized rearview mirror when I’m stopped in traffic, and I don’t want to worry about getting weird stains on the upholstery.”

“What kind of weird stains?” asked Kelly, biting back another smile.

“Mostly from hot drinks, but you never know.”

“Dark upholstery is best,” she said. “I have the same model. My kid once had a bloody nose after soccer practice and you’d never know.”

“Perfect. How many bodies can I fit in the trunk?”

“One-and-a-half Wesleys,” she said without missing a beat. “But I recommend you carry a spade and an emergency kit with a blanket and a flashlight too.”

“Sensible,” I agreed. “Wouldn’t want to be caught with a body in the dark woods without survival gear.” I slid into the car and gripped the steering wheel. It felt perfect. I checked the pedal to leg-length ratio, the mirrors and the seatbelt. All were Goldilocks perfect.

Kelly leaned down to speak to me. “This is a dependable model. It’s not a gas guzzler and the insurance isn’t off the chart; it autolocks when you put it in drive and there’s a button you can press as soon as you get in for security. The alarm is super loud but no one ever steals them; they’re not exciting enough for drag racers. Plus, you can plug in your cellphone to listen to music.”

“I’ll buy it,” I said, getting out.

“Perfect. I can give you a discount for cash, or would you like to talk credit?”

“Cash please. I’m using my insurance payout.”

“Did your last car break down irreparably or were you unfortunate enough to have an accident?”

“Fireball. Spontaneous combustion. Sort of.”

Kelly nodded as if that were a regular occurrence. “Best way to get rid of a car. Not so great for bodies though. Dental records,” she added, giving me a wink.

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