Page 5 of Knot Happening Again

"You wanna talk about it?" he offers, clearly as uncomfortable with the whole feelings thing as I am. But the fact that he's even willing to go there is proof enough that I haven't been acting myself. At least, not the version I let him and the rest of the world see.

"Not really," I admit. It's not that there's nothing to say. It's just that I don't know how to bridge the gap between the version of me he knows and the one who did… that.

I've managed to get through most of my adult life by pretending the one never existed.

"Well, something's gotta change," he says gruffly, leaning on the ropes. "It's clear it's been eating at you."

I guess I haven't been doing as good of a job hiding it as I expected. You'd think some things would get easier after the better part of a decade, but lies don't strengthen with age. They turn brittle. And my cracks are starting to show.

Especially this close to the anniversary of the day I left.

"There's not much to say," I answer with a shrug. What's one more bald faced lie in the scheme of things? "I fucked it up about as badly as an alpha can fuck anything up."

He considers that in silence. "Did you ever try to find her? Make it right?"

I let out a bitter laugh. "What do you think? Of course I did. But it's like she vanished into thin air. None of her family would tell me where she went or even return my phone calls. Can't say I blame them, either."

The memories come flooding back, unbidden. Ophelia's smile, bright as sunshine. The way her blue eyes sparkled when she laughed. The softness of her skin under my fingertips.

And then... the mark.

My teeth sinking into her flesh, claiming her as mine. The intoxicating rush of her scent, the way she cried out my name.

I left her the next morning. Walked away without a word, like a goddamn coward.

"I fucked up, Mace," I whisper, the words tasting like ash in my mouth. "I fucked up so bad."

Mace doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to. I know there's nothing that can make this right. Not unless I somehow manage to find her after all these years.

But even if I do, I'm a part of a pack now. A bonded pack. She wouldn't just have to accept me, but them, too. And somehow, I doubt she would. It isn't like I expected it to happen, it just… did.

First came Rhys. He was just a med student then, working as a medic at one of the underground fight clubs I frequented in theearly days of my career, back when I was still trying to moonlight as the eldest son of an esteemed family.

We felt it immediately.

That bond that runs deeper than pack.

It's… brotherhood.

For some alphas, it's more than that, but for me and Rhys, it's like being platonic soulmates. The romantic feelings aren't there, since we're both exclusively attracted to women, but that doesn't make it any less intense of a connection than a mating bond. We wear each other's mark, we lead the pack together, we share a home and a life. Hell, I even decided we should share his last name when my family turned their backs on me. Felt like I might as well start over, considering I was a new person anyway. Physical intimacy is the one thing we've never shared.

That and an omega.

But that's on my account, not his. And after seven years, I'm running out of excuses. Running out of ways to avoid telling him that I can't—won't—let myself go there with anyone else.

Mace joined us not long after Rhys and I found each other. And even though he and I definitely didn't share the same deep bond of brotherhood Rhys and I felt from the moment we met, he quickly became one of my best friends. We were about as physically different as two people could be, me with a lean, muscular build, tan skin, and shock white hair, and him with his big teddy bear build, chestnut hair and blue eyes, but we were pack all the same.

Then there was Maddox, the easygoing beta who would eventually become my manager, and finally, Troy. He was… something else entirely.

A lot of somethings, actually, and most of them profane, but every pack needs its black sheep.

It was one thing when it was just me, but now I'm part of a unit. The connection between bonded alphas might lookdifferent from the bond between an alpha and an omega, but it's still permanent.

And even if Ididmanage to find Ophelia, even if she waswilling to accept me and my pack…

What could I really offer her?

The pack would embrace her, I know that, but she isn't my scent match. Which means she isn'tourscent match. Not all packs are even lucky enough to have one, as rare as omegas are, but what if we do? What if Rhys goes out to work one day or to the store and catches a whiff of the omega we were all destined to share? I'm going to have to come clean and tell them I have no intention of claiming the new one. Or any omega other than the one I betrayed and abandoned in the worst possible way.

---