Page 81 of Bad for Me

Hearing her call me Ava sent bolts of lightning through my core, my chest tightening. I was scared to think of what happened if this all came out, but I was more scared of never hearing her say my name like that again.

“Did you move to the school for me? Is this entire façade all because ofme?”

I felt a hysterical laugh bubble up inside me, an excitement at the thought of someone going through all of that…just for me.

“I…move around a lot. My mother isn’t well…and hasn’t been for a long time. I guess I have a lot of say in where we go…I’ve been to a lot of places….”

“So, you’ve done thisbefore?Followed someone into a new life? That’s fucking crazy, Mary.”

She moved behind me, sitting near enough to me I could smell her vanilla lotion.

Fuck the reasons, Ava. Lay her on that bed and thoroughly fuck her the way you have wanted to these past two weeks. Fuck everyone’s opinions, maybe this is your person…the one who can finally make you feel whole again.

My inner emotions don’t compare to the revolting realization that maybe I was not the only person she’s behaved like this with. I feel like a fool, and I feel as though she manipulated everything that happened between us knowing that I secretly fucked women.

Secretly fucked her.

It was my turn to put my face in my hands, and I could feel the tears stinging my eyelids. The one reprieve I had, the one escape from reality, collided with my real life too hard and too fast.

Now what would I do?

“You should leave,” I said, not looking at her, unable to watch her go.

She sniffled, hugging herself, her mascara running down her face. “You said you wanted this forever.”

And silently, she took her leave, slamming the door behind her. It was only after I was sure she had gone that I let the tears fall.

16

EXPOSED

Mary

By the timeI was halfway back to Middlebury, crossing the New York border, I was fully sobbing.

What had I done?

Not only did I let her expose my identity when I wasn’t prepared, I let everything slip about my plans and my past.

Did you really think she’d just accept you? ‘Oh, Mary! Moving to another state is just so romantic! I love you!’

What a fucking fool I had been.

I never thought about when this day would come, when I’d finally tell her it was me all along…it was me she found her first female fuck with and gave into her hidden desires.

I certainly didn’t think it would happen this soon.

Hoping to avoid the embarrassment of facing her and what I did, I silently prayed that she wouldn’t return home tonight.

I parked the SUV and wiped away my smudged mascara, pulling my jacket tightly around my half naked body. I felt like I was going to vomit, but I climbed into my bed, utterly defeated, and cried to sleep.

* * *

Ava

The dissolution of my double life was a punishment from God. I fought against the restraints of my everyday life so hard that eventually, God put me in my place.

I didn’t have a close girlfriend who I could confess everything to; I certainly couldn’t go to my mother for any comfort on the matter.

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