Page 71 of Soul Food

“Thanks for bringing her to see me,” I told Jayne. “Sometimes, we need that push.”

“I got you.” She bumped her fist to her chest, and I cringed on the inside. She was so cute and dorky. I’d never tell her that, not when she always hated people calling her cute.

“Go before I smack you,” I said instead.

“Call me if you need me.”

It felt like I hadn’t had two minutes to walk back into the living room and sit down when the doorbell rang. I wondered if it was Jayne, but she would have come on in like she always did. She knew the code and had the key. I wasn’t surprised to find Amit on the other side either. I knew the no space thing between us wouldn’t last. I peeked my head out. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

“What other reason than to see you?” Why was he so devastating to the heart and easy on the eyes? It hurt so bad.

“Don’t be like that,” I mumbled.

“Like what?”

“You know what.”

Gray eyes flickered over me and every time they did, I felt like he saw too much of me—more than anyone should.

“You want my company.”

It irked me how well he decided he knew me. I meant, I did want him aroundalwaysbut that didn’t mean I should give in. That was the problem. “This has been fun but… This is a very strange time in my life right now. I can’t do this—whatever this is—with you. It’s too much. We’re only going to be miserable, and you’re going to get hurt. My mind is an absolute mess right now.”

He pushed at the door, and I stumbled back as he welcomed himself into my home. “You’re going to be miserable if you keep pushing me away.”

I was going to be miserable either way.

“I like pushing,” I muttered.

“You pulled me in, Ruth, when I kept pushing you away. Now you’re pushing while I’m pulling.” He grabbed a strand of my hair and tugged at it. “Either way, before or after, then or now, you’ve always been mine. I tried to stay away. You have no idea how much.” He closed his eyes as he said it, like saying it was painful to admit. Then they opened, gleaming down at me. “You tipped me over.”

“You’re awfully cocky, Amit, and you say the strangest things. How could I have been yours when I never even knew you before I met you?”

He smirked. “That doesn’t matter. Because Iknewyou.”

I was shaking all over suddenly, biting my bottom lip as nervous jitters filled my stomach. I was afraid of where this would go. I couldn’t let my truth be spoken even if he already knew himself. It was mine to keep if I didn’t want to give it, and I didn’t want to give it to someone when I couldn’t stay with them.

I’m dying soon, Amit… Can you stay and be hurt, anyway?

“Will you please leave?” I whispered, unable to look up and meet his gaze. “I wish things could be different. I wish I could explain myself. And I even wish that I never approached you. I knew even then that I would become a mess.”

“Ruth…”

“Please?”

“If that’s what you want.” This time, the words were reluctant to come out of his mouth.

“It is.”

“I’m leaving.” He touched my cheek. “But just know, I’m not going anywhere.”

I didn’t look up as he left. I didn’t look up when the door clicked shut either. I didn’t move until I swayed against the wall and fell to my ass. I covered my face and a heap of tears fell on my lap as I sucked in a breath and cried aloud.

I love him. I love him. I love him.Oh God, how I loved him.

I wanted him so, so much. I wanted to keep him when he came which was why I let him go. I wanted to be held by him which was why I pushed him away. I wanted to be spoiled by him, and he tended to give me what I wanted even if he didn’t admit it. It was because of so many reasons that I had to let him go, but most of all, it was because I’d fallen for him and didn’t want him hurting if maybe he was catching the same feelings as me. Jayne and Ma were already going to hurt enough, I couldn’t add one more person to the list.

My life was over whether I wanted it to end or not.