Page 51 of Holly, Jolly, and Oh So Naughty

“Exactly. And then we cuddled and everything just felt right.”

“Okay.” Amelia drums her fingers against my leg, then she swivels in her seat to face me fully. “If you’re intent on this path, we should talk about it.”

“I don’t know if I’m intent on anything.”

“Well, are you going to avoid him for the rest of your life?”

“No.”

“Then you need to think about things. The most glaring being?—”

“Emma,” I finish for her. “I know. I… I tried so hard to get in touch with him, but his mother was clear, and the things she saidto me…” I shake my head as coldness seeps through my stomach. I have no desire to recall that last awful conversation.

If I’d done what she’d asked of me, my life would have taken a very different path.

“But…?” Amelia prompts when my silence drags on.

“But I haven’t heard it from James himself. And I think that would be what I need. Because I think I’m still in love with him. I think I never stopped, and it was just buried so deep down there because how could Inotlove him?”

“And he’s the father of your child,” Amelia agrees, glancing at the stage as the kids hurry to change scenes. “That will always leave a mark.”

“And it will be the most important thing because regardless of what I feel or what I want, how he reacts to her is the deal breaker.”

“Will you tell him the truth?” Amelia asks softly.

I shrug. “I have no idea. It’s hard to keep this a secret from Emma, but I don’t want to show her a father who wants nothing to do with her. And if I tell him, then the cat is out of the bag, and I will have to.”

“But telling him will show you where his intentions lie,” Amelia says. “Either he steps up and does everything he can to make it up to Emma and you, or he doubles down and you will know he is a worthless piece of shit.”

“You know… not once has he asked me,” I reply softly. “Not once has he asked me what I did with the baby. If he was smart enough, he would have calculated back.”

“Maybe he forgot,” Amelia mutters. “You know what men are like, and seven years is a long time to forget you got some random girl pregnant.”

“Maybe.” I’m not some random girl, though. I’m the woman he crossed the country just to be near because he couldn’t breathe in his grief. There’s something about this puzzle that isn’t quite slotting together, but I’ve wasted enough time playing the guessing game over James. Amelia is right.

If my feelings mean anything to him and if my future has any chance of being bright, then I have to tell him the truth. His reaction will be the only answer I need.

“I’m scared, though.” I sigh, watching Emma stride across the stage and stomp her cane on the stage. “Because what I feel is so easy. I like him. A lot. And I don’t want to lose that, but I don’t want to be fooled again, y’know? I felt like this back then and he left. I don’t want to feel like this now if he’s just going to reveal himself to be an asshole.”

“It’s always better to see his true colors,” Amelia reminds me. “No matter how much it hurts, at least it will be you hurting and not Emma.”

Amelia’s words were oddly clarifying. Emma knows nothing, and I will keep it that way for as long as I can. At least she will be free from pain if James turns out to be committed to his abandonment and wants nothing to do with her.

She catches my eye from the stage, and her words stumble as she eagerly waves at me, drawing a few soft laughs from other parents. I wave back and smile widely until she gets back into character and continues.

“You’re right,” I sigh softly. “Of course you are. Feelings just make it all the more confusing.”

“I am a bit of a guru.” Amelia chuckles. “It comes from seeing countless parental disputes each time these supposed adults come to collect their kids.”

“Ahh, the joys,” I say.

“So, you’re decided? Talk to him first? Tell him the truth?”

I nod, tension working its way through my chest like a squeezing band. “It’s for the best. The only option, really. Because if this continues, then everything else will just add to the hurt. I have to think about Emma.”

“And if it falls through, I know it will hurt you, honey, but I’ll be here to help you pick up the pieces.”

“Thank you.” I pat Amelia’s hand and then stand. “I gotta pee.”

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