Page 93 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

“Then you need to leave now, son. To have any kind of future with her, you must keep going with therapy. This trip isn’t enough. Right now, you’re in a precarious place, and I’m advising we go immediately. I’ve seen what happens to people when they break and delay help.” My stomach churned. That was Cillian. I didn’t want to be like him. “Let me help you, Cael. Take my advice and let me help.”

My heart was beating too fast and I couldn’t focus. I didn’t know what to do for the best. I wasn’t sure I could leave Savannah. “You have a real chance at happiness, the both of you,” Leo said, speaking straight to my heart. “Let’s make Harvard, this fall, the goal. To be with Savannah again. When you’re healed and can give her your everything.”

I could see that. Us both happy and healthy, dealing with our grief at college—the college we were fated to be at together. I wanted that. I wanted that so much that it was suddenly all I could see.

He knew I was teetering, then pierced me when he said, “You don’t want your love for her to be lessened by sorrow. You don’t want her to have to share you with residual darkness. Come with me, let us help you, and then give her your entire—healthy—heart. Give heryouentirely.”

Those words knocked the air right out of my lungs. Savannah deserved the world. She deserved to be lovedtotally. Leo waited patiently for my response. “Okay,” I finally rasped out, my heart breaking as I did. It wasn’t what I wanted. I just wanted her … but I needed to heal.

I had to do that alone.

Leo exhaled in relief. “You’ve made the right decision, Cael. I’ll give you ten minutes to pack your things. I’ll go and make the final arrangements.”

Leo left the room, and I stood on the spot for a few, silent minutes. I couldn’t make my feet move, like they were protesting what I was about to do. But just thinking of making it to Harvard this fall, Savannah beside me as we lived happily and pain-free and didn’t just exist … it had me moving in seconds. I threw my clothes into my bag and looked back on the room, on the impression of Savannah that was still on the bed. That girl loved me, and I would prove to her that I could be in this with her. One hundred percent. That although young, we could make it.

Seeing a hotel notepad on the desk, I ran over and wrote a note to my girl. I just hoped she understood. I was breaking our pact. I was keeping something from her again, leaving her without a goodbye. But as much as it hurt, as much as my soul was screaming at me to stay safe in her arms, this was important, to usboth.

Taking my wallet off the desk, I stared down at it, feeling the heaviness of Cillian’s note to me inside. Without overthinking, I yanked it out, gasping for breath when I saw his familiar handwriting and the seven words that had destroyed me for the past year. It had haunted me, plagued me and eaten away at me until I was nothing but a mangled mess. I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I wasdonewith it.

Welcoming one final surge of anger, I ripped the ticket into pieces and threw it on the ground. It was an albatross to my healing, a weight that was pulling me down.

Grabbing my bag, I walked out into the hallway and found Leo in reception. I immediately looked for Savannah. Maybe I could just see her face one more time. Just a glimpse. Maybe if I just got to kiss her one final time, Iwouldhave the strength to leave and not fall into her arms.

But she was nowhere in sight and, deep down, I knew that it was all untrue. I’d take one look at my girl and I’d fight to stay. I’d stay and suffer and things would only get worse for me, for her, until my pain consumed us both. She deserved to be free. She’d come too far for me to hold her back.

I just needed time to catch her up.

“Mia took them to a restaurant away from the hotel,” Leo said. “They won’t be back until we are long gone.” My heart filled with sadness.

I forced myself to leave the hotel, my heart demanding to turn around. But I fought to get on the bus and sit next to Leo. In seconds, we pulled away from the hotel, and lit up, in the distance, was the phone booth. The phone booth that exposed me and showed Leo and Mia that, for me, the journey was only just beginning.

Taking out my cell phone, I resisted dialing Savannah’s number and instead made a long-overdue call.

“Cael?” Dad’s voice came over the speaker, and my chest felt like it was ripping apart as his familiar sound settled over me.

“Dad …” I said, voice croaked.

“What’s wrong, son?” Dad’s voice was panicked. I heard my mom in the background, expressing her worry too.

“I’m coming home,” I said, and Leo put his hand on my shoulder in support. “I … I need more help. And I’m coming home.”

Dad’s voice hitched and he said, “We’re proud of you, Cael. So proud.” He paused, then said. “We’ll see you at the airport. Have Leo send us the flight information. We’re here for you, son. We’re going to get you through this.”

“Okay,” I said and just stayed on the line for a little longer, just taking comfort in having my parents supporting me through the phone.

A couple of hours later, when we were waiting at the flight’s gate, and I felt numbed by pain, my phone rang. My heart twisted when I saw it was Savannah. I ran my hand over the picture on my phone that was assigned to her face, and fought to not splinter apart.

“Peaches,” I answered, my throat thick with guilt.

“You broke our pact!” she said, her sadness slicing through the phone. “You promised me you’d tell me everything. You didn’t even say goodbye!” Savannah broke into tears, and I couldn’t stand the sound of her breaking, breaking because of me.

I moved to the corner of the gate’s lounge for privacy and let my own tears begin to fall. “Leo was worried about me. He needed me to leave for more help.” I shook my head, trying to find the words to explain. “I couldn’tdo it, Savannah. I couldn’t say goodbye to you. I’m breaking apart, baby. I’m not healing like I should be. I had to go—”

“That’s not fair,” she said, interrupting me, sobs racking her chest. “I would have supported you. But you should have said goodbye to me. Held me one last time. Let me kiss you and make sure you were okay. You’ve hurt me. You—”

“I WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT!” I found myself shouting, louder than I’d meant to, my wrought emotions rising to the surface and taking me over. I glanced behind me and saw several faces watching me. Leo included.

I pressed my forehead to the window and stared at the lights of the planes that were readying for takeoff. I calmed and felt the beat of my heart pounding in my chest. “If I’d seen you to say goodbye, Sav,” I whispered over the torturous sound of her crying, “I wouldn’t have been able to leave you.” I swallowed and knew then that Leo had been right. Even now I was fighting running from the airport and back to the comfort of where she was. “And I have to.” A sob ripped frommythroat as I said, “I’m … I’m broken, Peaches. So fucking broken that I have to get help before it destroys me.” My voice was barely audible. I felt exhausted. I was so tired of fighting.

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