Page 30 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

“So, are we excited for Norway?” Travis asked. I shrugged. I wasn’t really excited for any of the countries on this trip. But I liked this place. I was kind of sad to be leaving it. There was just something about being out here in the Lakes, away from the rest of the world, that calmed me.

“I can’t wait,” Dylan said. “I just hope it’s not more hiking.” Travis nodded in agreement.

I didn’t think Savannah was going to speak, but she said, “I know people from Norway. I’m excited to see their homeland.” Dylan and Travis listened for more information. But Savannah stopped there, and I noticed a slight strain to her mouth. I wondered who she knew from there and who they were to her.

Savannah didn’t speak for the rest of the journey. Neither did I. But that was okay, as Dylan and Travis talked for us all. For once, their incessant chatter was kind of nice. When the bus stopped and we found ourselves at the bottom of Skiddaw, I looked up at the mountain and the ice that capped the high peaks.

One more climb.

I buckled my rucksack straps around my waist, when someone stood beside me. I looked down to see a pink beanie covering dark blond hair. Savannah peered up at me, and then she walked beside me. We climbed up hill after hill, scrambled up rocky paths, and Savannah never once left my side. When we reached the top, we stared down at the view—at the green and white quilt that the fields made, and the water that sparkled like it was made of pure glitter.

Being up this high made me feel so small. It made the world and beyond feel so infinite. So vast. It was as unsettling as it was comforting.

We climbed down and reached the bottom, breathless and tired. But wehad done it. Dylan and Travis came to stand beside us, Jade and Lili flanking us too. And we all peered up at the peak we had just climbed and a surprise shot of emotion clawed up my throat. I coughed, trying to chase it away, but it only sank back down to my chest and into my stomach, pulling the muscles tight.

“You might be wondering why we brought you here, to the Lakes,” Leo said and cut through the silence. He came to stand before the six of us, Mia moving next to him. His face grew somber. “You’ve all been through so much. I know we’ve barely scratched the surface on that, but this five-country trip has been designed to help you cope with your grief.”

Mia stepped forward. “Resilience,” she said and let that word hang in the air around us. “To cope with grief, you needresilience.”

“We brought you here to get away from the hustle and bustle of life,” Leo said. “Where else more perfect than this little heaven on Earth.” He gestured to the Lake District around us. “What better place than a region brimming with peaks to climb, and breathtaking views to become lost in. But a place that would also push you to your very limits.”

“And you did it,” Mia said, pride lacing her voice. “Jet-lagged and cold and body worn, you did it. You took what felt like an impossible task and you faced it head-on. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, you climbed these mountains, scrambling and breathless, exhausted and depleted. Youdidit. You made it to the other side. You. Did. It.”

“If we had told you when we first got here, my guess is that you would never have believed you could do this …” Leo trailed off, and shards of ice cut down my spine. Savannah edged closer to me, the side of her hand brushing against mine. I wondered if Mia’s and Leo’s words were hitting her with the same impact. “But you did.” Leo met each of our eyes. “Just like we will get you through your grief.”

My knees felt weak, because I didn’t see how I would make it through this hell I was in. I understood the metaphor. The peaks represented our grief, obstacles in our way to happiness. But I would have backed myself to climb these peaks. I was physically fit. Had a sportsman’s determination. Coping with my grief? I didn’t back myself at all. I worried more than anything that I could never defeat it.

Feeling myself start to spiral, I rocked on my feet, only to feel Savannah’s hand brush against mine again. And I didn’t know why I did it. I didn’t try to overthink it, but I reached out with my little finger and I wrapped it around hers.

Her hand was trembling, and it immediately made me focus on her and shake off the panic that had settled within me. Savannah was in hell with me too.Everyonewho was here was in the fire with me too.

We weren’t alone.

I inhaled a deep breath.Resilience. I wasn’t sure I had any when it came to coming to terms with what Cillian did. I wasn’t sure Savannah did either when it came to her Poppy. But if this trip didn’t help us? What then?

“Resilience,” Mia repeated. “Youareresilient. Each and every one of you. And you are all stronger than you know.” She smiled.“Wesee it in you, shining as brightly as the sun. We see hope. We see bravery. We see strength.”

“We’re proud of you,” Leo added and then left us all on the spot, to let their words soar above our heads. The long sleeves of our coats hid Savannah’s and my joined fingers—still clinging on, finding strength through one another. It was our secret—how much we were keeping each other standing. I absently watched other people on the peak climbing and striving to complete the difficult route.

The sound of boots crunching on the frozen ground pulled my attention. When I looked behind me, Dylan, Travis, Jade, and Lili were heading back to Mia and Leo who were waiting at the bus.

But Savannah remained beside me, suspended in the moment.

“We did it,” she said, giving a sliver of hope echoing what Mia and Leo had said. I wondered if she believed she could get through her grief too, that this trip was going to heal her, help her move on.

“We did,” I said and watched an older couple reach the bottom of the peak. The woman threw herself into her husband’s arms in celebration. I curled my finger tighter around Savannah’s. To experience that level of happiness again seemed so out of reach.

It seemedimpossible.

Savannah broke through my inner despair by quietly whispering, “I … I think Poppy would be proud of me.” A slight tremble returned to her hand asshe said it, and a sorrowful rasp laced her voice. This time I had to look at her. Savannah’s gaze was facing the peak, so I lifted my free hand and brought my finger to her chin. Her skin was freezing to the touch. I slowly guided her face toward me. Her eyes were lowered. I waited until she lifted her blue gaze to meet mine. There were tears in her eyes, but when one fell down her cheek, it was met with a wisp of a smile.

My heart fired off into a sprint. Savannah gripped my finger tighter, and I allowed a single, fleeting moment to think of my brother away from how I last saw him. How he had beenbefore. My eyes closed and I could just see him now, cheering for me as he had when I was on the ice, huge grin plastered on his face and his fists in the air. I could picture him here too, waiting at the bottom of the peak, shouting“That’s my brother!”

A choked sound ripped from my throat at the visual, and my tortured mind tried to quickly slam the door on that thought, tried to prevent the damage it could do. But I held on to that image regardless; it was better than the other one that haunted me every minute of every day.

When I opened my eyes, the view was hazy, until a tear fell down my cheek, clearing my sight. I focused on Savannah, taking solace and fortitude in her touch, and managed to find the courage to say, “He would be proud of me too.”

Savannah gave my finger two soft squeezes. I noticed she did this when she wanted to give me comfort but clearly lacked the words. And as simple as a gesture it was, it was a healing balm over an open wound. It stopped the pain for enough time to help me catch my breath.

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