Page 31 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

After holding each other together for several more minutes with our understanding stare, we turned back to the bus, but never let go of one another. Not even when we sat back on the bus.

As we rolled away, I wondered if somewhere, somehow, Cillian really was cheering me on. If he was helping me move on from his loss. I rarely let myself wonder if he had somehow lived on. If he’d made it to an afterlife where there was no more pain and only peace and freedom surrounded him. We weren’t religious. Never talked about what we thought came next. I didn’t really have any strong beliefs. But I wondered if he ever saw me here, left behind, crumbling without him, and wanted to reach out and tell me it wasgoing to be okay. That I would see him again someday. And that although life on this Earth couldn’t hold him like he needed, he was free now.

Sadness clawed up my throat trying to rob me of the need for that to be true, but two soft squeezes of Savannah’s hand helped me fight those claws back down and clutch on to that morsel of hope.

I rolled my head to Savannah. She squeezed my hand again and sent my pulse soaring.Resilience, I thought as we took to the winding roads back home.

I prayed like hell it could get me through.

The fire was blazing, England’s clouds still giving us a break and awarding us with a star-filled sky for our final night, like it was saying its farewell too. Around the lake was pitch black, but for Bowness, the tourist area, was still filled with people. I imagined it looked like this all year round, no matter the weather. I would live here if I could.

We had eaten dinner and were now all gathered around the campfire outside on folding camping chairs. I’d forced myself to be here tonight. Not to escape to my room or the window seat that had become my sanctuary here. My emotions were all over the place. It made me feel shaky, and, for once, I didn’t want to face that alone.

Mia and Leo had gone inside, leaving the six of us to ourselves. As much as I liked Leo and Mia, it was nice to be out from under their microscope. Leo had watched me like a hawk. I knew he’d seen a change in me. He had yet to broach it with me yet, clearly letting me sit in this new state for a while.

But I knew he’d pull me aside at some point.

Dylan, Jade, and Lili were using long sticks to roast marshmallows in the flames. Savannah was right where I wanted her—beside me. She had an amused expression on her face as she watched Dylan and the others laugh and joke around.

“I got the goods!” Travis shouted, coming from inside of the hostel, cans of soda in his hands. I huffed a laugh as he handed out the cans like they were beer. I took a Coke from him and sipped at the sugary drink.

Soon, Dylan, Jade, and Lili sat around the fire, and we all descended into silence, until Dylan said, “So, do we think any of this is working?”

The mood of the group immediately shifted from somewhat happy to morose, and like so many times on this trip, we couldn’t escape from the truth of why we were here. Grief was like that, forever reminding you it was close by.

Jade shifted in her seat and said, “I think it’s helped a little.” She cast her wide, brown eyes around the group and nervously said, “It was a car accident.” I froze in my seat when those words fell from her mouth. She stared into the fire and said, “My mama and little brother. One random Tuesday morning.” My heart fell. Savannah was lock still beside me. “It was instant; they didn’t feel a thing. I at least know they didn’t suffer.” Jade began to break. Lili and Travis sat on either side of her and placed a supportive hand on her back. “There’s just me and my papa now. And my grandparents.” She wiped at her eyes. “It’s … it’s been difficult to move on. Impossible to live without them most days.”

I played with my hands, picking at my nails just for some way to expel this nervous energy that was swarming around me. When Cillian died, I’d shut down completely, kept everything inside. I wasn’t used to talking about death so freely. Wasn’t sure I could yet. The few times I wanted to scream how I was feeling from the rooftops, to finally just let the dam of grief break, my protective wall would close everything down.

I felt a tug on my coat sleeve. I glanced to my left. Savannah was offering her hand. My heart’s too-fast rhythm immediately slowed when I took hold of it. She gave me two familiar squeezes and we stayed linked in the space between our chairs. I stayed transfixed at her perfect profile. How did she always know when I was breaking?

Maybe it was because she was breaking too. I gave her two squeezes right back. A flush bloomed on her pale cheeks.

“Being here. Away from Texas—my home,” Jade said. “It’s given me time to breathe.” She gave a watery smile. “I think it’s helping. It’s helping me sort some things out in my mind.”

Lili laid her head on Jade’s shoulder. They had grown close since landing in England. So close that Lili offered her support by saying, “I lost both my parents.” Savannah flinched, her hand pulling slightly in mine, like thatthought was a dagger to her heart. I held her tighter, giving her an anchor, and found myself thinking of my mom and dad. My gut twisted when I thought of how I was when they saw me off at JFK. I hadn’t even said goodbye. I’d still had zero communication with them. I didn’t even know how I’d begin …

“They were recreational sailors. Loved the water.” She smiled, and I saw the love she had for them shining through her sadness, even in the dark. “One day they went out to sea and a storm blew in unexpectedly.” Her bottom lip trembled. Jade wrapped her arm around her. “The boat was found, wrecked. But they never were.”

“I’m sorry,” Dylan said, and I wanted to say the same. But I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know how they were able to.

Lili smiled at Dylan and wiped her tears from her cheeks. “I think this trip is helping me too.” She looked to Jade. “Having others who are going through the same thing … it helps. Makes me feel less lonely.” She sat up straighter. “I’m an only child. I live with my grandparents now, who are great, but I feel like I’ve been going through this alone … and … yeah …” she trailed off with a tired sigh.It’s not the same,I finished off for her in my head.

It wasn’t. I loved my mom and dad. They had lost their eldest son. I had lost my brother and best friend. We couldn’t understand each other’s grief because it was different. An ache set in my chest when it hit me—I was an only child now too. And that was the worst thing … that he’d left me all alone. For the rest of my days.

I caught Jade and Lili’s curious eyes landing on me, Savannah, Travis, and Dylan, obviously wondering if we would share our stories too. But I wasn’t going to speak about Cill. I couldn’t. I’d barely told Savannah anything, and what I did confide in her felt like I was ripping out my heart as I did so. By the stiffness in Savannah’s body, and the way her pretty eyes were downcast, I think she felt the same.

Travis cleared his throat and sat on the edge of his chair. His eyes were darting nervously around the group. “You don’t have to share if you’re not ready,” Dylan said, voice supportive. He and Travis had grown closer of late too. It seemed we were all pairing off. I looked down at my hand in Savannah’s.

I was glad she was with me … more than glad.

“No,” Travis said, and “I can talk,” he said but closed his eyes, like it was easier to say this out loud if he couldn’t see everyone before him. “I was the only survivor in my class from a school shooting.” The blood ran from my face when he revealed that. I couldn’t imagine … I didn’t even know how to react to that.

“Travis …” Dylan said and immediately crossed the fire to where he sat. He kneeled beside him. Travis opened his eyes and smiled, but it was strained, and his lips trembled. His trauma was exposed for us all to see.

“It’s the guilt that’s the worst, you know?” Travis said and wrung his hands together. “Like, why me? Why was I the only one he didn’t hit? Out of a class of twelve, I was the only one who dodged a bullet.” Travis shook his head and his chin wobbled as he fought to fight back his tears. “That’s what I can’t get over. I see parents of my friends looking at me sometimes and I know they’re wondering why it was me and not their child that was spared.” He let out a humorless laugh. “I ask myself that too. But mainly …” He took a deep breath. “They were myfriends. I’m from a small town in rural Vermont. I’d known these kids since kindergarten, some even before that. They were my only friends, and now they are all gone. And I witnessed them—”

Dylan wrapped Travis up in a hug before he could finish that sentence. Some things didn’t need to be said out loud to be understood. Savannah sniffed beside me, and when I turned to her, tears streamed down her face. They looked orange in the light of the fire. I couldn’t bear seeing her this way, the sight splitting me apart. So, I shifted my chair until it was right next to her.

---