Page 23 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

“Night, Cael,” I said, voice a little bolder, and drifted up the stairs, for once letting my heart race. Because this time, its too-fast beat actually felt … nice.

Heartfelt Words and Warm Embraces

Savannah

THE CHILL FROM CLIMBINGSCAFELLPIKE STILL CLUNG TO ME LIKE Acloak. The weather today had not been like that of the Helvellyn climb. It was wet and stormy, the rain so heavy and cold that it seemed to sink into our skin and ice the marrow of our bones.

I had taken a scalding-hot shower to chase off the chill when we’d returned. But there was just something about today that had made me feeloff. The gray clouds were oppressive, and the exhaustion from our hiking mixed with that of the jet lag was weighing down on me. I felt weary. And I yearned to go home. I wanted to feel the comfort of Ida’s tight hugs, and I wanted to curl up on the couch with Mama and Daddy and just hear them talk about their day.

More than that, I wanted to see my Poppy in her Blossom Grove.

“It’s been four years since your sister passed?” Mia asked, and I stared at the fire roaring in the small office that was acting as Mia and Leo’s counseling room. I tensed at Mia’s words. “How old was she when she died?”

I swallowed the lump that had risen to my throat. My throat always tightened when I was asked about Poppy. Like my body was defending itself from talking about my sister, from further ripping into an already open wound.

“Seventeen,” I replied, forcing myself to comply. I wanted to be anywhere but here right now. But I had promised I would try. So, I clasped my hands together in my lap and kept my gaze downcast. I pulled the end of my sweater’s sleeves down until they covered my palms. A nervous habit I’d always had in the moments I felt uncomfortable.

“Seventeen … the age you are now,” Mia said, and she had clearly connected the dots. I nodded and stared back at the flames. The logs crackled and it reminded me of summers at the beach growing up.

“Was it quick? Her illness?”

I inhaled a fortifying breath and shook my head. “No,” I whispered. “It stretched out over a couple of years.” Tears brimmed in my eyes, and my mind took me back to those early days when Poppy was diagnosed. I could still remember Mama and Daddy sitting us down and telling me and Ida. I didn’t think either of us had really understood the gravity of Poppy’s illness. Well, not until we’d moved away to Atlanta for her treatment. Not until her appearance had changed, Mama and Daddy’s smiles had become strained, and I’d realized that things weren’t going the way we’d wanted.

I couldn’t fight the memory that pushed into my mind …

I walked into Poppy’s hospital room and stopped in my tracks. Ida’s hand was wrapped in my own. She squeezed it to the point of pain when we saw Poppy looking so small in the middle of her hospital bed.

But that wasn’t what had stopped us. Wasn’t what had made tears spill over my eyes and track like twin waterfalls down my cheeks. “Your hair,” Ida said, speaking for us both.

Poppy smiled and ran her hand over her bald head. “Has gone,” she said, seeming just as upbeat as she always was. She tipped her head to the side. “Do I suit it?”

She did. She absolutely did. But then, she always looked beautiful. She was sixteen. Had been fighting cancer for a while. Had been getting lots of treatments … but I wasn’t sure they were working. Ida and I were kept away a lot. I hated being away from Poppy. Something was missing in me when she wasn’t around.

“You’re perfect,” I said and meant it.

“Then come here,” she said and ushered us to the bed. “I missed you both somuch.” As we climbed on, we were careful not to sit on the wires that were stuck in her arm.

Poppy wrapped her arms around us both. But I didn’t feel comfort from that hug. I only felt terror. Because Poppy always gave the tightest hugs. But as she held us, squeezing us close like she would never let us go, I felt her weakness. Ida laughed and kissed Poppy on the cheek, oblivious. But I felt a change in my older sister. Some hidden sixth sense made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and a pit of dread burrow in my stomach. When I looked at Poppy, I saw the reason for it in her green eyes.

She wasn’t getting better.

I could tell by her faltering expression that she knew I knew it too. “I love you, Sav,” she whispered, voice choked. Poppy was always strong, but in that moment, she couldn’t stop her voice breaking, and it told me what I feared most. She was going to leave us.

On a choked sob, I couldn’t help but fall back into her arms. I vowed to never let go …

“She didn’t deserve to die,” I found myself saying, too tired to even be shocked at my willing participation. A low buzz of irritation began to build inside of me. I was tired and lonely, and I was so mad at the world.

“Most people don’t deserve to die, Savannah. But sadly, it’s also an inevitability in life.” My hands curled into my palms, my nails digging into my skin. Mia leaned forward. “Some people are only in our lives for a short time, but the mark they leave on us is a cherished tattoo.”

My bitterness fell away at those words and devastation quickly swept in, a flood of sorrow dousing the anger that had built in my veins. A cherished tattoo … She had been.

“I miss her,” I whispered and felt that cold ache in my bones grow stronger. The exhaustion I felt was an anchor keeping me from moving, from sheltering myself from all these thoughts that I didn’t want in my head, memories that I didn’t want to relive. The exertion of the past several days was enough to make me powerless to resist them.

“I know you do,” Mia said and passed me a tissue from the box on the table. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. I wiped at my tears and stilled when Mia asked, “It’s good to remember those we have lost. Is there something you can do that Poppy liked to do? A way to feel closer to her?”

My breathing became as choppy as Windermere Lake earlier today, because there was.

I was depleted from the hiking. But what made me the most tired was the constant running from my sister. I didn’t know if it was because all my fight had been burned away along with my energy over the past several days, but I was sick and tired of avoiding the message Poppy had wanted to give me.

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