Page 19 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

For the first time in my life, I wanted to walk. I wanted to walk and walk until I couldn’t think. Until my muscles were so sore and exhausted that I would fall into a restful sleep.

Just for one night.

“Slow down, ranger,” Dylan said, jogging to catch up with me. I didn’t. I pushed on, chest tight from how fast I was breathing. I kept my attention focused on the route before us. Everything around me was still and calm, my rapid breathing the only thing I could hear, until, “Jose would have loved this.” Dylan’s words were barely above a whisper, but I heard it, the whistling wind carrying it straight to my ears.

I slowed down and looked over at my friend. His eyes were downcast, and his hands were in his pockets. He flickered a nervous gaze to me, then said, “My best friend.” He shrugged, like whatever he was going to say was trivial. “He’s who I’ve lost. Why I’m here.” It wasn’t trivial at all. It was monumental. Themostimportant thing.

“I’m so sorry,” I said and saw that he had paled, his beautiful face crumpled in sorrow. Dylan forced his infectious smile, smothering the inner sadness that I could see was screaming to be released.

Silence stretched between us. Dylan’s shoulders curled inward, and I felt a distance growing between us. I was terrible at this. At comforting others. At saying the right things. My heart tore apart for him. But I didn’t know how to make it better.

Poppy was a helper …bea helper …

Dylan cast his gaze around us, at the lake down below that now appeared minute from this far away. I knew he was thinking of Jose. His eyes shimmered, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Reaching out, I threaded my arm through his and pulled him close. Catching a hitch in his breath, and an extinguished sob, I laid my head against his shoulder and tried to show without words that I was there for him.

The wind caught a falling tear from my eye and carried it into the air. I didn’t know Jose. But I was beginning to know Dylan and how special he was. So I knew Jose must have been special too.

“As special as special can be …”I heard Poppy’s voice whisper into my ear, and that memory wrapped around me like a warm blanket. She’d want me to be there for others. To open myself up to them too.

I wasn’t a tactile person, but Dylan’s breathing seemed to come easier as I held him. Somehow, it made me feel better too. Sharing in one another’s pain.

“He loved being outside,” Dylan said. He laughed, and it was so pure it took my breath away. “He was always dragging me from my house and outside with him. Basketball, baseball, hiking, football. You name it, he wanted to do it, watch it, experience it.” I squeezed him tighter so he knew he could continue if he wanted to. I was a good listener.

Dylan laughed, then said, “There was one time, we—” His laughter abruptly faded, and I heard that heart-wrenching sound that told me his throat had clogged, taking away his voice from the slam of a memory. A surprise attack from grief so strong it could drop you to your knees. I knew that good memory of Jose had been hijacked by one that was tormented. Dylan lowered his head, and he gave himself over to his agony.

Unsure what to do, I almost stopped and told Mia and Leo that we needed to turn back. That Dylan was hurting and needed some rest. But then Cael passed by us, and only for our ears he said commandingly, “Keep walking.” He nudged his chin in the direction of Gordon, and I saw a flicker of sympathy for Dylan cross his handsome face. Cael stayed just a hairsbreadth in front of us. He glanced over his shoulder, like he was trying to not speak to us, to not engage. But then his shoulders sagged in defeat, andhe said, “It helps. Just … keep walking. Push through. Exhaust the pain. Don’t give it room to breathe.”

Cael’s eyes were haunted, and like me, I knew he’d been here before too. I imagined we all had. The triggers were awful. How a seemingly okay day could turn into a nightmare just by a familiar scent passing by, a memory resurfacing, or a million other things that made you remember your loved one was gone.

Grief was walking through a minefield with no protection or guide.

So we walked. With my arm through Dylan’s, and Cael staying close by, we walked. We scrambled up gravel paths and carefully navigated a treacherous route called Striding Edge. We ate our lunch overlooking breathtaking views, then descended what had originally felt like an impossible climb.

When we reached the bottom, red faced, chill-slapped, and breathless, Leo said, “Turn around, guys.” We did, seeing Helvellyn lording above us once more, looking both majestic and domineering. “Look what you’ve just accomplished,” he said, and his words penetrated deep. “You climbed this. Even when I’m sure you didn’t think you could.” I exhaled a long breath and felt a bloom of pride burst in my heart. We had done it.Ihad. “Now, let’s get back to the hostel and warm up.”

I sat beside Dylan on the bus home, my arm again linked through his, hands held tightly. He didn’t talk again that evening, but he held my hand in his like a vice. Cael sat on the seat across the aisle, his headphones firmly in place. But like he felt my gaze, he turned my way.“Thank you,”I mouthed. Cael’s nostrils flared, and he curtly nodded his head in acknowledgement. Then he turned away, posture once again rigid and sealed off.

As night fell, I stared out of the window. We had done it. We were broken, and exhausted, and emotionally drained. But when we returned to the hostel, something inside of me had calmed. The oxygen that gave my grief life, like it was some living thing that existed inside of me, had been extinguished … for a little while, at least.

And I fell asleep. No nightmares. No insomnia. Just sleep.

I’d never been more thankful for a night of complete and utter silence.

“How did you all find yesterday?” Mia asked. Leo and Mia had gathered us in the living room for a group session. I wrung my hands together. I understood the premise of group sessions, but I never felt they worked for me.

“It was good,” Travis said.

“I enjoyed it,” Lili tacked on.

Mia smiled. “Good. Soon, we take on peak two: Scafell Pike.”

Leo leaned forward in his seat. “But today we have our group sessions, and soon we’ll start some one-on-ones. The rest of the day is yours. Maybe, for some of you, a chance to start your journals.” Leo carefully regarded Cael, who was sitting, arms crossed and staring outside of the window. I was pretty sure he hadn’t been given another one. It was obvious it wouldn’t be welcome.

I blanched at the thought of the journal. I was still unsure ifIactually could do it.

“Right now, we want to do some breathing techniques,” Mia said. “For many, when going through grief, bouts of anxiety can be a common experience.” I stared at my fingers, at the clear nail polish that was now starting to chip. “Anger can also be a heady emotion to deal with,” Mia continued. “So we want to equip you with some tools to help cope if and when those times arise.”

“They are also good for mindfulness,” Leo added. “So, please, sit up straight in your seat and close your eyes.” I did as they said, straightening my spine. “I want you to inhale through your nose for eight seconds,” Leo instructed and counted out loud. “Now, hold that breath for four seconds. Listen to your heart beat. Hear its rhythm in your ears. Then, breathe out for four seconds.” My shoulders relaxed a little. “When you panic or are stressed, this can be a great tool to help refocus and control what you feel is uncontrollable.”

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