Page 20 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

I placed my hand over my heart and felt it beating underneath my palm. “Sometimes,” Leo said. I kept my eyes shut. “When we think of the ones we lost, we can feel powerless, out of control. This exercise can help you feel grounded.” At his words, I automatically saw Poppy on her deathbed. Saw her in her casket, laid out in the front room of our house, Mama and Daddy rarely leaving her side, Rune sleeping on the floor beside where she lay. Refusing to leave her until she was lowered to the ground … where he just took up residence instead.

My heart fired off into a sprint at that memory. I could feel anxiety’s talons begin to stretch inside of me, ready to take me in their hold, but then I breathed in for eight and held my breath for four. A ghost of a smile pulled on my lips when I heard the pace of my heart and felt it begin to slow, my panic subsiding until I could exhale a normal four-second breath. I had been taught this technique before, of course. But here, it wasworking. Maybe it was distance from Georgia where I lost Poppy or the peaceful ambiance of the Lakes that made this time help. Maybe I was subconsciously opening myself up to healing. I wanted so badly for that to be true.

“Good,” Leo said, and I didn’t open my eyes but wondered if he was talking directly to me.

“Another aspect that can be difficult,” Mia said gently as she reminded us to keep breathing, “is for those who were there at the time of their loved one’s death. Or shortly in the aftermath. Those memories can be disabling. They—”

A loud crash made me snap my eyes open, only to see Cael darting from the room. He had overturned a side table, the water it was holding spilled on the floor. I heard the front door slam, and silence engulfed the room.

Leo and Mia made no move to clean up the water. “Should we go after him?” Travis asked, concern clear on his face.

“We’ll give him time to calm down,” Mia said. “This will be hard for you all,” she added. “You will feel every emotion possible. The stages of grief are not linear. They are cyclical. Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They don’t have to follow a particular order. You may not experience them all. And for some, one of the stages will have the biggest hold. You may experience all five, then begin them all over again.”

“Grief,” Leo said, “is a lifelong emotion. People who are forty years into their loss will still experience moments where they are utterly undone. What we aim to do on this trip is help you cope. I’m afraid grief is incurable. But wecanlearn to live with it. We can learn to find happiness again. To smile and laugh. And there will come a time where memories of our loved ones are more positive than negative. Where we will be able to talk of them again with happiness, not sadness, and remember the good times.” He gave a wan smile. “That may feel a ways off right now. But it’s achievable. We must letyou all get there at your own pace and express your pain in whichever way you need to.”

“There are no rights or wrongs here,” Mia said.

“Now, let’s try that again,” Leo said, and he continued the class.

An hour passed and we were given free time. I grabbed the paperback I was reading and headed outside. It was a crisp, freezing day, but the sun was shining and the lake was glass still.

I bundled myself up in my coat, hat, and scarf. I heard the sound of voices coming from the living room but wanted some time alone. I walked around the back of the house, heading for the ledge that I had come to like reading on, when I heard wood scraping on the ground.

As I cut through the tree line to the lake’s shore, I saw Cael untying one of the rowing boats from its tether. He hadn’t come back inside since he’d left the group session. I knew Mia and Leo had checked on him. But I’d been … worried. Yes. I’d been worried for him. Maybe a part of me had wanted to come outside and read, just to make sure he was okay. He had been there for me a couple of times now. I wanted to return the favor.

Cael was dressed in his black coat and beanie, his messy hair escaping under the hem. His face was flushed, and his body was tense.

I stepped farther forward, and Cael’s head whipped up. His jaw clenched as he watched me stand here, but he continued untying the boat.

“What?” he growled, barely looking at me.

“Are you okay?” I asked, heart in my throat. I hated seeing him this way. Seeing anyone this way. Drowning in such obvious pain.

Cael yanked the boat free and tossed the tether to the shore. His boots were in the lake, the water shallow and not yet wetting his jeans. I didn’t think he was going to answer me, until he said, “You coming?”

I reared my head back in shock and stared at the boat. He was askingmeto go with him? It was a traditional wooden rowing boat. Two oars attached on either side. I stared at the boat like it was an open flame. I opened my mouth, not knowing what to say, yet found myself uttering, “I … I’m not sure we’re supposed to use them.”

A disbelieving, almost cruel laugh fell from Cael’s mouth before it was swallowed by a severe look of ire … and maybe a hint of despondence. “Justwhen I thought you might bedifferent…” He shook his head, face reddening. “Of course you’re not. Why would anyone here be able to understand—” His clogged throat seemed to steal his words before he leveled me with a look so laced with disappointment it physically hurt me. “Just go back to the others inside.”

I watched the water cover his legs up to his knees as he trudged the boat out to a deeper part of the lake. He went to jump into the boat, when I found myself saying, “Wait!”

Cael stilled, then turned around. I felt my pulse race, blood rushing through my veins. And I caught what looked like a hopeful expression on Cael’s handsome face. It was so raw, so open, so sincere … sovulnerablethat it shattered my heart. “I …” I cut myself off, clutching my paperback to my chest. The wind picked up, tossing my hair over my face.“He may need a friend …”Ida’s words circled my head. Cael shook his head in frustration and made a move to leave again, when my feet propelled me forward and I said, “I’ll come with you.”

Cael exhaled a long, deep breath, and in that moment, I understood. He didn’t want to be alone. As standoffish as he was, as cloaked in darkness as he was, he was lonely and didn’t know how to ask for company.

Cael’s eyes narrowed as he observed me. For a moment, I thought he had changed his mind; then he slowly stretched out his hand. Nerves accosted me, but I took a breath, just like Mia and Leo had taught us, and I placed my hand in Cael’s. His smothered my own, but his grip was firm, and as he gently drew me closer, he rasped, “Can I?” I didn’t understand what he meant, until he placed his hands on my waist, and I realized he wanted to lift me onto the boat.

“Yes,” I whispered, his hands on me causing those butterflies to flutter in my chest again. Cael picked me up like I weighed nothing at all. I gripped on to his biceps. He was muscled and lithe beneath my fingers. Travis had mentioned something about ice hockey in the airport. It hadn’t gone down well with Cael at all, but that must have been where he got his fitness and athletic physique from.

“Thank you,” I said and sat on one of the wooden plinths. Effortlessly, Cael climbed inside. “Your jeans,” I said, seeing they were soaked to the knee.It was freezing outside. A flare of panic cut through me. He could get sick. The thought of anyone getting sick these days sent me into a blind panic.

“I’m used to the cold,” he said in response, then sat down and picked up the oars. He began rowing, the boat quickly taking us from the hostel’s short shore to the wider depths of the vast lake. Other boats milled in the background, tourist cruisers lapping around the perimeter in the distance.

Cael was focused, pushing himself as hard as he physically could. The boat cut through the lake like a hot knife through butter. I held on to the side, the wind picking up in conjunction with Cael’s speed. His face was flushed, and his breathing began to quicken. Minutes passed and sweat began to pour down his face. But Cael kept going, kept exorcizing the anger that seemed to live in a limitless stream inside of him.

It made me think of what Mia and Leo had told us about the stages of grief. That for some, one stage held them captive longer. I wasn’t sure where I sat. I seemed to feel any of them on a given day.

The farther into the lake we got, the more the beauty of the place became apparent. From this new perspective, the lake looked completely different. Snow-capped mountains surrounded us; bare-branched trees housing thousands of birds stood proudly on small, isolated islands. I closed my eyes and felt the ice-cold wind hit my face. It stirred something inside of me. It made me feel somewhat …alive.

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