Page 9 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

I shrugged, and Dylan nudged me affectionately, trying to be a comfort. “Let’s see if they can help us, huh?” Despite his playful tone, I caught the flicker of despair in his voice, and his infectious smile lost some of its splendor.

As I glanced at my family once more, my heart began to race, and the anxiety I had fought back barreled into me at full force, knocking the air from my lungs. My body jerked, and my hand immediately went to my chest. I gasped, trying to find some much-needed oxygen. My hands shook terribly, and I felt a bead of sweat build on my forehead.

“Savannah?” Mia came to stand before me, and I saw Mama and Ida step forward in my periphery. I breathed in through my nose. I turned to my sister and Mama, caught the worry on their faces, but held out my hand to halt them. They immediately stopped, and I cast them a watery smile.

I had to do this on my own.

“Savannah, can you talk?” Mia pushed, gentle concern lacing her question. Ringing had begun in my ears, keeping me locked in my panic, but after a few measured breaths, the ringing slowly faded, and the overwhelming sound of the airport came crashing in like a sensorial tidal wave.

I faced Mia and nodded. My body felt weak, and exhaustion quickly set in—as it did with every anxiety attack I’d ever had. My nerves were wrought.

“I’m okay,” I said shakily, and Mia placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, a flash of what looked like pride flickering on her face. I cast a glance at my family. I saw the deep worry on Mama’s and Daddy’s faces. Ida’s eyes were glossy, but she smiled and blew me a kiss. I smiled at my little sister and fought to gather a modicum of composure.

“Okay, let’s go,” Leo said, and Dylan stepped closer to me.

“You good, Savannah?” he asked.

“Yes, thank you,” I replied. I appreciated his concern.

Then I felt someone close in on my left, the scent of sea salt and snow-laced fresh air wrapping around me. I stilled when I realized it was Cael. He towered beside me. I had to glance up at him. He was facing forward, a dark void remaining in his light stare, but then he blinked and looked down at me.He stepped a fraction closer still, and a sense of warmth grew within me. His arms were crossed over his chest, closed off. No words were said. I didn’t even know him, yet strangely, it was as though he was protecting me.

As we began walking, Cael and Dylan stood on either side of me like protective sentinels. Checking that I had my carry-on bag, I reached inside and brushed my fingers over the notebook I carried everywhere. I hoped Daddy was right. I hoped that Poppy would be with me on this trip, walking by my side, hand on my back for strength. And I prayed that, no matter what happened on this trip, maybe this would be the time I could open the first page of my notebook and hear from my sister once more.

I just needed to find the courage.

As we passed through security and waited in the airport lounge, I wondered if this trip would be able to help any of us. I supposed we would see. As much as I wanted this to work, I still felt numb inside. And I was sure, as I looked around at the six teens selected, the ones Leo and Mia were trying to save from the permanent black hole of grief, I could feel the clogging sadness leaking from our souls. In each face, I recognized the masks of normalcy we all wore, disguising the person screaming in pain underneath.

I felt an uphill battle awaited.

With a long breath, I sent a silent plea to my sister.

Poppy, please, if you can hear me. Help me. Please, just one last time. Help me get through this.

Help me learn how to live without you.

Help me be okay.

Jet Planes and Rainy Skies

Cael

IDIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THE OTHER PEOPLE GOING ON THIStrip. Everyone was from different places within the United States, accents varying. We were from a range of backgrounds. But watching everyone wait in the lounge, hardly anyone speaking, it was clear we were all lost in the same stinking cesspit of loss—Mia and Leo seemed to have chosen their six hopeless cases well.

My eyes tracked to the seat opposite me. Savannah. I couldn’t deny that the minute I’d clocked my eyes on her, she had stopped me in my tracks. Surprising, seeing as though I hadn’t remotely noticed anyone that way in a year. She was point blank the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. I gripped tightly on to the arms of the chair when my first thought was to tell Cill about her …

I shifted in my seat, that pull in my stomach turning to nausea at the thought of him. I tightened my jaw so much, I felt my teeth ache. What the hell was I doing here?

Reaching for my bag, I went to take out my headphones, but the string that pulled them closed had become tangled. I pulled and pulled at the string, but the more and more I yanked at it, the more it became knotted.

“Argh!” I bit out in frustration, when the string snapped in my hand andripped the side of my bag. I kicked my bag away from my seat and clutched my hands in my hair, gripping at the strands, just trying to breathe. I gritted my teeth together and tried to force myself to calm down. But it was no good.

My feet shuffled on the ground, legs bouncing in agitation. I couldn’t sit here. Couldn’t justburnin this seat. I reached forward and dragged my bag to me. Then, just as I was about to jump to my feet, to try to shake off this impossible weight around my neck, I lifted my head and immediately caught Savannah smiling at something Jade, one of the other girls, was saying to her. The minute I saw that smile, something inside of me calmed. A wave of peace crashed over me. And for second—a single euphoricfreemoment—everything stilled. Not numbed.Nevernumbed. But seeing that smile … I didn’t understand why it affected me so much. She was just a girl. And it was just a smile. But, for a split second, there was a cease-fire within me.

Lili, the third girl on the trip, leaned over her seat and joined the conversation. Savannah politely smiled as Jade and Lili laughed. Savannah didn’t laugh. Her arms were locked around her waist, and I noticed the sleeves of her shirt pulled down over her palms as if it gave her some kind of comfort, protected her somehow.

I tipped my head to the side as I studied her. I’d never seen anyone have a panic attack before. Never seen something so emotionally disabling come over someone so suddenly. Savannah had blanched, then begun to shake, body jumping as she fought for breath. Her blue eyes had widened with fear, and her lips had paled.

Usually I didn’t feel anything but pissed. Hadn’t in so long. Wasn’t affected by movies, books, or personal stories—no matter how tragic. Hell, even my mom crying daily and my dad trying to comfort her still didn’t break through the impenetrable walls that now encased my heart. But seeing the petite dark blond with wide blue eyes fighting for breath in the middle of JFK was the first time some kind of emotion had snuck in.

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