Page 110 of Crave Me

I lie on my side at the edge of the bed and look out the window, wondering what it will be like when I move back into my studio apartment above Rogue tomorrow and don’t see much of them anymore. There’s a knock on my door and I don’t bother moving to answer it, knowing that he’ll just walk right in anyway like he always does.

“Hey, princess. How are you feeling?” he says as he crouches down on his haunches in front of me.

“I’m fine, Dallas.”

He takes a deep breath, no doubt calming himself down to handle me with the kid gloves he now uses. I don’t bother looking at him, staring past his head and continuing to watch the heavy clouds slowly move across the dreary sky.

“Baby, will you please talk to me?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“I’m sorry. I know you’re hurting, but this is killing me, too, Blaire. I’m not giving up on you. I’m not giving up on us. I told you that you weren’t alone anymore and I’m not going to abandon you the way everyone else in your life has. I see right through you. I know what you need, and until you tell me otherwise, I’m pressing on.”

A stray tear falls from my traitorous eyes, so I close them, doing my best to hold the rest at bay. His big hands brush over my cheeks, pushing my wild, tangled hair out of my face.

“Look at me, baby. Tears or no tears, I want your eyes on me. Tell me how to fix this.”

I bite the inside of my cheek until I taste the metallic tang of blood before opening my eyes. Tears slowly cascade down his face as he looks at me, eyelids pooled with salty drops ready to rush over. I feel the moment my heart shatters into a million tiny shards, my lungs seizing, my mind swirling in a fuzzy haze of torment. I can survive any physical pain. I’ve done it before. I know I wouldn’t survive Dallas walking away from me. So I have to protect myself. I just can’t take that chance after everything that I’ve been through.

“I just want you to get better.”

“Me too,” is all I can say before closing my eyes and letting myself drift off to sleep.

Moving back into my tiny apartment is strange after being at the Hayes’ for a month. I used to love it here. It’s always been small and nothing about it is new and shiny, but it’s mine, and it’s been home. The adjustment to being alone will hopefully go by quickly, and I’ll be able to find my new normal.

After meeting with my therapist virtually yesterday afternoon, we decided that making a plan to focus on the things that make me happy will help propel me into healing. She also encouraged me to talk to Dallas and give him an opportunity to speak for himself and make his own decisions. I plan to, I just don’t know when. Being raised with fear as my constant companion, I turned into an adult that prioritizes not being vulnerable, because I don’t want to get hurt. It’s easier for me to hurt both of us and end it, than to chance Dallas leaving me because I’ll never be able to give him a family. Understanding that what I’m doing is wrong is one thing, being able to fix it is a work in progress.

The day goes by quickly, unpacking my things and emailing Sawyer about returning to work as soon as possible. I met with my doctor this morning, who cleared me to return to activity as long as I feel physically well enough to do so. Sawyer insisted that I work from home one more week, and while I’m not thrilled about it, it will be easier than seeing Dallas every day in the office.

I get comfortable on my futon and pick up my phone, scrolling aimlessly through social media, when an article jumps out at me, posted yesterday fromSeattle News Now.

Ellensburg - The person killed in the trailer fire on Sunday night has now been identified. The Kittitas County Coroner's office has identified the victim as forty-eight-year-old Andrew Cain of Ellensburg. Cain, who was recently released from Washington State Penitentiary on parole, had served a decade-long sentence for child neglect, child abuse, and rape of a minor. The cause of the fire is still under investigation. At the scene, police recovered photographic evidence in a safe that is suspected to be child pornography. The cause of death is still pending. No other injuries were reported.

My phone clatters to the ground as I gasp and cover my face with shaky hands. Scrambling to pick my phone back up, I click on the dozens of comments and scroll through them.

Good riddance!

Another pedo off the streets. Won’t be missed

This guy was a foster parent!

No one’s gonna miss him

Hopefully he burned real slow, nice and crisp

Sweet sweet karma

Yuck! Who cares!

Clearly these monsters can’t be fixed!

Only ten years for all of that? Fuck our judicial system!

I exit out of the app and drop my head back on the futon. He’s dead. He’ll never be able to hurt me again.

I’m safe.

Because of Dallas.

---