Page 109 of Crave Me

I hand her the garlic dipping sauce, press play, and we sit together in silence and eat. What was not planned, because I haven’t seen it yet, is that this episode is extremely spicy. It’s difficult to not get hard watching the scene focus on her pleasure. Blaire shifts next to me, rubbing her thighs together slightly and I know she’s just as turned on as I am. Fuck, what I wouldn’t give to be able to release her frustration, my own pleasure be dammed. Hell, I could come just from eating her out.

The downside of having such a highly intense sexual relationship is that you notice once it’s gone and that connection is severed. On the flip side, it’s allowed me to connect with her outside of having sex and only strengthened what I already felt.

As inconspicuously as I can, I rub my palm along my shaft, trying to get the fucker to go down. Her eyes flick down to my hard cock, the outline clear as day through my thin sweatpants.

“You can go to the club, Dallas. No point in holding out.”

My mouth involuntarily drops open, and I have to control my immediate reaction to go off the rails. The audacity of this woman knows no bounds and I’d turn her ass bright red if I could.

“Are you fucking serious right now?”

“Even if I was an option, which I’m not, I can’t have sex for weeks . . .”

She’s so full of shit that she can’t even hear how toxic the words she’s throwing at me are. How hurtful they could be.

“You’re telling me that if I leave you here right now and go fuck someone else you’re fine with that? You want me to touch someone else the way I touch you? Sink my cock inside a wet pussy that isn’t yours? Make someone else scream my name?”

“If you need to take care of yourself, Dallas, I’m not going to hold it against you.”

I’ll give it to her. She doesn’t falter, and she doesn’t let any of her emotions betray her. But I know her better than that and the thought of me being with someone else is ripping her apart. She’s only suggesting it because she’s trying to piss me off and push me away. Jokes on her.

“You’re full of fucking shit, princess.”

“Excuse me?”

“Did I stutter? I’m not going to repeat myself.”

She opens her mouth to argue but then shuts it without a word. I’d never do that to her. If I have to be celibate for the rest of my life in order to have her, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. I’ve felt how she’s pushing me away, but this was the final straw.

“What’s really going on, Blaire?”

She pulls her cheek between her teeth, gnawing at it, her eyes darting everywhere but at me.

“Baby, I love you. I’m so sorry about the file. I never should have gotten it.”

“I know you are, Dallas. I’m sorry, too.”

“Can we move past this? This distance, Blaire? It’s killing me. I know you love me. I feel it. I felt it the night before I left for Mount Baker. Tell me you still feel it and don’t you dare lie to me.”

“Thank you for the date, Dallas. I really just want to go to bed.”

I let my head drop in defeat. At least she didn’t lie.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Blaire

The next month passes in a blur while staying at Dallas’ parents’ house. I started to slip further and further away into myself in an effort to protect my heart against the loss I was feeling from no longer having the ability to carry a child, and the loss I knew was coming. Dallas continued to sleep on the couch so that he could be close to me, and when I was having an exceptionally weak day, I asked him to sleep next to me. He held me close, and those nights were the nights I slept the best. The first two weeks he showered with me every day, repeating the same process of taking care of me.

“You’re precious, let me take care of you. You deserve to be taken care of.”

Every morning, he either makes me coffee or has already run out to Bean Haven and woke me up with a coffee and chocolate croissant, still writing a message. He’s doting, loving, and everything any woman will be lucky to have from him someday.

I’ve been meeting once a week with the therapist who worked with me through college and up until I moved to Aspen Ridge. I thought I didn’t need it anymore, but I realized that I was wrong, especially now. We’ve met three times already and while I’m not okay, I’m remembering how to tap into the tools to help me getthere again. The fear of Andrew being out there somewhere, that he found me and tried to hurt me again, pushing Dallas away, along with the heartbreak over not being able to have children and wanting to keep it from everyone, has pulled me further and further into a depression that I’m struggling to climb out of on my own.

Dallas’ mom, Amy, has been a mother hen and it has simultaneously filled me with more love and joy than I’ve ever experienced from another woman, and broken my heart. After the first week, when she and Kinsey had watchedPride and Prejudicewith me, we made it a weekly thing. We all sit together on the couch under a big blanket, and after flipping through a dozen popular TV shows, settle on watchingSchitt’s Creek. We binge a few episodes together before I’m exhausted and ready for sleep again. Ivy joined us last week and has dropped by several times. The baby bump is no longer able to be concealed, and she’s the most gorgeous pregnant woman I’ve ever seen.

Today is the first Sunday dinner they’ve hosted since my accident, and it’s something I’ve felt extremely guilty about. While I’ve begged Amy to please get everyone together, and I don’t mind skipping, she insisted that her children were wildlings and she wanted to surround me with quiet and peace; things they are not.

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