Page 28 of Snow River

Lila put a hand to her throat and swallowed hard.That weird half-paralyzed feeling still clung to her.“Mmm-hmmm.”

“You don’t look okay.Mind if I turn the light on?”

“Mmm.”

Molly switched on the light, which flickered, as if it wasn’t sure it wanted to work in the middle of the night.She came and sat on the edge of Lila’s bed.“Bad dream?”

“I don’t know.Maybe.Not exactly bad.And not exactly a dream.”

Molly laughed.“Why does that sound like a perfect Lila answer?”

Lila rubbed her hands across her face.It was too sudden, this light, this living human energy in the form of Molly.Part of her was still in that murky other world with the cranky dead woman calling her out.

“Do I run from my problems?”She dropped her hands and fixed her gaze on her friend’s face.

She and Molly had known each other for so many years.Ever since that fateful day in high school, when she’d insisted her friends stay home from a track meet where a former student had opened fire, Molly had seen herself as Lila’s protector.Every time Lila needed money, or a couch to crash on for the night, or a sternly worded legal letter to a harassing supervisor, Molly took care of it.She was like a big sister to Lila, two years older and a thousand times more capable and successful.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Molly answered carefully.

“No.Don’t do that.Don’t try to shield me from the truth.Do you think I run from my problems?”

Molly let out a sigh, her eyes closing briefly, as if saying a silent prayer that she could find the right words.“I really wouldn’t put it that way.I think you’re more sensitive than some other people, like myself.I have tough skin.You don’t.So if a situation becomes painful or difficult, maybe someone else could stick it out, but you can’t.You have to put your mental well-being first.I support that, no questions asked, no second-guessing.Does that make sense?”

“I’m moresensitive?”Lila made a face at that phrasing.“I’m a grown woman.”

But was she?Sometimes she didn’t feel like it.Shouldn’t a grown woman have more money in her bank account?Or under her mattress, in her case, since Bear paid in cash?Shouldn’t a grown woman have a career she was trying to develop?Or a spouse?Children?A family?Why didn’t she fit into any of those roles?

“What’s this all about?”Molly asked gently.

“I don’t want to be coddled.”

“Okay.Is someone coddling you?”Molly’s eyes widened.“Am I coddling you?”

“No, no.”Lila rushed to reassure her.“This isn’t about you.You’re a true friend, you always have been.I’m just trying to…” She pulled her covers up to her chin.The cold air found ways to sneak into this old building at night.“Trying to figure out where I belong, I guess.That’s why I always leave.I start to feel like it isn’t the right place for me to be, that I’m supposed to be somewhere else.It always seems so clear that I can’t ignore it.”

“Maybe you’re better at listening to your inner voice than most of us.”

“It is pretty deafening.”Lila managed a smile.“But now you’re coddling me.You don’t want me to be self-critical because you love me.”

“And because you’re an incredible human being.”Molly held up a hand before Lila could protest.“If you want to criticize yourself, you can do that.Just don’t expect me to join in.Fair?”

It didn’t seem totally fair to Lila.She was a human being like everyone, with all the flaws that went with the territory.She didn’t expect anyone to think she was perfect.Nobody was.Then something occurred to her.“Sunshine bomb.”

“Excuse me?”

“You guys always say that I ‘sunshine bomb’ you when I’m looking on the bright side of things.”

“That’s exactly what you do.By the time you’re done, we can’t even remember what we were sad about.”

Lila pointed an “a-ha” finger at her.“See?That’s a flaw.It’s called ‘toxic positivity.’I listened to a podcast about it.It means being so relentlessly positive that you don’t allow any space for other feelings.”

“But you don’t?—”

“Nope.”Lila stopped her with a gesture.“I think I have a tendency toward toxic positivity, and I want to work on it.Can you live with that?”

Molly nodded, though she still muttered under her breath something about sunshine being a good thing.She got to her feet and pulled the hood of her bear pajamas, complete with fuzzy bear ears, over her head.“I’ll tell you one thing, Lila.It never bothered me when you did the sunshine bombing thing because I know what it was like living with your mother.It made sense to me.So if you’re going to criticize yourself, you should also look at what’s behind it.I’m just saying.Something to think about while you critique yourself.”

As if Lila wanted to think about her mother.Whenever she did, it felt like quicksand dragging her down.Her mother had suffered from clinical depression for Lila’s entire childhood, but of course none of them had understood that until she’d gotten diagnosed after Lila left home.If she’d had a word for it back then, maybe it would have been easier.

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