Page 92 of Hold Me Before You Go

“St. Louis was never my home,” I murmured back, holding his unwavering gaze. “You protected me when my father was outed as the monster he is, and I can never repay you for that—”

“—I don’t want you to repay me,” he interrupted, moving now. He closed the distance between us, grabbing both of my hands, reminding me of the way Sarah had when I first arrived in Astoria. His hold was firm and warm. “I want you safe.”

“I am safe,” I promised him.

His eyes flashed. “Yes, because the bruises on your face are a good indication of that,” he quipped.

“She’s safe now,” Grayson stated.

I looked over to him to find his snake-tattooed arms folded over his chest, the snakes coiling around his thick forearms. Red and white, just like him. That’s when it hit me.

Joseph Grayson wasn’t black and white.

He had a soul covered in blood, but his heart was pure.

Red and white.

Jeremy began arguing with Grayson, stepping away from me, demanding to know everything. Of course, I knew that if Jeremy knew the shocking, horrifying truth about Robert, then the FBI would be involved, and I didn’t know Grayson’s plan yet. Then again, he probably didn’t expect me to puke my guts up when he delivered the news.

“We have it handled,” Grayson pushed out, trying to remain calm, his eyes slicing to me.

Jeremy looked back at me, disappointment painted across his face. “Why wasn’t I informed she was in danger?”

“Because she’s no longer your concern, Jones.”

I looked over to Ash, finding his eyes already on me, his face filled with sorrow. I looked over to Jake, finding a similar look. Then, I decided to step in between Grayson and Jeremy, putting my hand on Jeremy’s chest. “This isn’t your fight,” I said quietly, pressing myself against Grayson.

His eyes snapped down to mine. “What did you just say?”

“You heard me.” My hand fell from his chest.

I expected him to argue, but instead, an emotion I couldn’t read passed over his face. “You’re fucking family, Carrie. This absolutely is my fight.”

Biting the inside of my cheek, I waited a few seconds before giving him the rest. “I don’t want you, or anyone else from St. Louis, in this fight, Jeremy.”

He blinked. Then, he stepped back, not looking at any of the guys, only at me as he demanded, “Tell me what you want, Carrie.”

The knives in my throat moved down, slicing me open from the inside out as I closed the door on St. Louis, finally closing out that chapter of my life. “I want you to say goodbye to me.”

A look of devastation trickled its way across his handsome face, and he looked down to his shoes, taking a broken breath, the sound alone urging me to keep the door open, not for me,but for everyone in St. Louis. But I couldn’t do that. I’d spent my entire life living for the people around me, and after everything, I needed to put myself first.

For a long time, Jeremy said nothing, and when I couldn’t take the silence anymore, I added, “You’re the reason I found Grayson.”

Jeremy looked up then, the rims of his eyes red.

“I owe you for that too. I know I do, but right now, I can’t give you anything,” I rasped. “All I can give you is this: I’m happy. I’m finally happy, Jeremy, and I can’t lose that. I deserve this.”

“I know you do,” he murmured.

I nodded. “Then say goodbye to me and go home to Casey and your son.”

“You need—”

“I know what I need,” I told him, reaching for Grayson’s hand. “I have everything I need right here. I trust Grayson and his team.”

He said nothing, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.

“This is my family now, Jeremy,” I whispered. “I never belonged with yours, no matter how much either of us wanted me to.”

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