Page 44 of Karma

You can’t. But I so very much wanted to lose myself in this one.

I’m so sick of everything I desire, everything I crave, everything good in my life turning to ash in my hands themoment I start to think I can finally have it. And Scorpio is still the only light I can see at the end of that dark tunnel. Too bad it’s fading fast.

21

Grim

I knew this was all a mistake since Karma told me she hooked up with him. At first, I figured that it was just jealousy talking. And maybe it still is. I can still pull out before this goes any deeper. But I don’t think Karma can.

We’re stuck in the morning LA traffic on the way back to the decrepit hotel where all this started, because we dallied on leaving the hotel. The sun’s already too hot, beating down on my neck and bare arms and it doesn’t help that Karma’s holding my waist tighter than she ever had. It feels good. Lets me know she still cares. Tells me we’re over the worst grief had set up for us. At least that’s my hope.

Our helmets have synced up mikes. We could talk. But it’s as silent as the grave over the line. All I can hear is her breathing and even that sounds like the wind rustling trees in the graveyard.

I wish I never got mixed up with Scorpio. I could’ve just sat it out on the sidelines, let her get burned and be there to make it better after he dropped this bomb on her. But we haven’t done anything separately in so long. And frankly, he’s too fuckable tosay no to when it was offered on a silver platter. Even though that’s not on the menu either. So what the fuck is actually happening?

He’s sitting his bike a couple of cars in front of us. The rising sun is coloring his skin a pale gold, and the thin, slightly too tight t-shirt he’s wearing reveals just about every curve of his muscles, in his arms, across his broad shoulders, down his back. The jeans he’s got on fit him just perfectly too. He’s attractive in ways you don’t get to see every day, and definitely in a way that will never fail to get my dick rock hard.

But it’s more than that. He’s also attractive in a way new things are attractive. The kind of new things that could be something you want to keep until they’re a part of your life and become old things. But that’s still a very faint feeling, just a sparkle on the horizon, I could still cut it, pretend I never thought it and my life would be just fine.

Karma on the other hand… the way she gave herself to him this morning, after their failed attempt to just take a quick shower, the almost gentle way he took her. I know she’s been missing that from me and Reaper. She’s always been too delicate for the two of us, no matter how tough she always likes to pretend she is. To see her get exactly what she needs from him… it made me mad, it made me jealous, but it also made me glad. And grateful. It’s why I did nothing and just watched… because it was also a beautiful thing to see and made me happy in ways nothing much else has in a long time.

“What do you want to do now?” I ask her through the mike, because the traffic is starting to move and we have to make this decision.

Her wind-in-the-graveyard-trees breathing stops and the sudden silence is even more terrible.

“I don’t know,” she finally says.

I could tell her I’d like nothing more than to just get our stuff and ride fast in the other direction. But that’d be a lie in ways I’m not able to unpack just yet.

“He’s not gonna live long if they’re going to war with the Devils,” I say.

Her breathing stops again.

“I know that,” she whispers.

“So you wanna just cut your losses sooner rather than later?”

This time her breath sounds like rainfall filling a brook. More like tears than breathing, actually.

“Is that what you want?” she asks, her voice firmer than I expected it to be. “You don’t want him around? I thought you two settled something last night… it looked like you did anyway, while I was watching you in the hot tub.”

Did we settle anything? We came to an agreement that we won’t be fucking each other. In full light of day, it sounds like the opposite of settling things. When it was happening, it didn’t. He showed me a part of him that I don’t think a lot of people see. I don’t think she needs to know that. I don’t even know how to explain it, for one thing.

“You should’ve joined us,” I say.

“I wanted to just watch.” I suppose she means in the same way I just watched them together this morning.

I did enjoy giving him that blow job. It’s been a while since I’ve been that giving with someone so accepting. It felt right and it’ll make for a good memory. But is it just one memory or the first in a line of many?

“He’s honest, I’ll say that. You don’t get a lot of that in how we’ve been living.”

The traffic clears up and I can finally go fast. The wind reminds me of just how stuck we’d been under the scorching sun. And that the decision time is coming.

“He makes me feel desired and wanted in ways I didn’t know I could be,” she says.

I don’t think she realizes what a knife to the heart that is. But it’d be a lot worse if I didn’t already know I should’ve given her more. I didn’t even know that until I watched them together. She moans for him the way she never did for me or Reaper.

“You should’ve said you needed more,” I mutter.

---