Page 88 of Knot All is Forgiven

It must be a trick of the light because it looks like there are tears in his eyes. Quinn is mumbling into the microphone on his shirt, his eyes looking harried as he darts his eyes between Cyrus and someone off-camera.

"I am so sorry, Jordan, and I know you don't want to hear my apologies because nothing can change what happened. But maybe you'll hear me now. Maybe you'll find space in that massive heart of yours for me again. And if you never do, know I will still be there for you. Whatever way you want me, Jay, I'm all in. You're it." He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, proving that shining wasn't a trick of the light.

"I love you, Jordan Cross. Please come home to me."

The station cuts to commercial, and I am frozen on the couch, tears running down my face. My hands are still clutched over my mouth. So many emotions are running through me right now that I can't seem to make heads or tails of them.

"Breathe," Icarus says, grabbing me by the shoulders.

But I can't breathe.

Am I supposed to be able to breathe after that?

Everything I ever wanted to hear from Cyrus came out of his mouth on live television.

And he said my name.

He said my name.

He claimed me in front of everyone.

What do I do?

I have to make a decision now, right?

But I'm not ready to make a decision.

I can't make the decision yet.

How can he expect that of me?

There is too much history, too much pain.

Rafe and Simon may not feel the same way he does.

What if they don't want me like that?

What if they're mad at him for doing something so public?

"Jordan, sweetie, I need you to calm down." I hear Icarus's voice, but I don't know what he's saying.

Shouldn't I know?

Shouldn't I be able to hear my Alpha?

What kind of Omega am I?

I'm vaguely aware that I'm having an anxiety attack, but that's it.

My anxiety is a monster that rolls beneath my skin. Sometimes, I am mostly me, living my life with the knowledge of the darkness that exists in the back of my mind.

Other times, the monster makes itself known, and I live alongside it, taking its hand and leading it through the fucked up world that is my life.

But right now, I'm unsure where I end, and the monster begins.

I think I may be more monster than me.

How could anyone love a monster?

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