Page 52 of All Saints: Pledge

He blows out a frustrated breath. “No. God, Helena.” He lowers his voice. “You don’t have to meet up with Clara anymore if you’re backing out. That’s all I’m saying.”

I stare at him. And then I blink slowly. “Backing…out?”

He nods like I’m slow. “You can still go study. And next week when I’m back from the trip, we’ll talk about what is next.”

“About what’s next?” I shake my head, and pull it free of his fingers. “I’m sorry,what?”

Something in his gaze hardens. “Why do you think I came here and told you all that stuff?”

I cough out a laugh. “Oh, I don’t know, because you cared about me knowing about my grandfather, about All Saints, and about me knowing—” I cut off, not sure how to quantify his coming clean about liking me in high school. “—about the misunderstanding.”

He stares at me, and his hands drop to my waist, and then run over my butt to the back of my thighs, exposed thanks to my running shorts. “Our…misunderstanding.”

I take in a shaky breath as his hands slowly skim up to the line where my shorts sit. His thumb strokes the crease of my butt cheek, and then back down my leg. “Yeah. You know. About the closet.”

His eyes are glued to mine. “That’s what you got out of last night? That we had a misunderstanding?”

Goosebumps chase themselves up and down my body, and I shift on my feet, restless to relieve the waves of sensation he’s creating. I clear my throat. “I…last night was…illuminating. But Kendall, I can’t afford the rest of my education here. And while I appreciate you coming clean about your…attraction, it’s not like I can just change my plan because you like me. I appreciate the heads up about everything else. I really do. I’ll be careful in navigating now that I know.”

He’s pulling me closer, sliding his hands back up my legs, and this time, he palms both of my ass cheeks. Fire licks at my insides. How can this person justigniteme? Even when I’m determined to keep my cool? His entitlement to my bodyshouldpiss me off. It does. Really, it does. But that anger is what has fueled my lust for him before, and it’s like my body cannot separate the drug and the addiction.

“You think that what I have is a crush?” Kendall looks me square in the eye. “Helena, I think about you every day. Iwantyouevery day. I have watched you, and wanted you and no one else since I was fourteen. Since before then, since you handed me the last apple juice in third grade at the Valentine’s Day party.”

I swallow. Because I feel like he’s dangerously close to admitting something I am definitely not ready to hear. “Lust doesn’t make a relationship, Kendall.”

He leans in toward me, maintaining eye contact. “Want to bet?”

I clear my throat. “That is not how I operate.”

Goddamn it, that sounded breathy. And almost like a question.

He leans in and instead of kissing me, licks my neck from throat hollow up to where my pulse is racing. And just as he lifts the pressure, he bites me.Hard.

My heart rate climbs, and my watch beeps, congratulating me on starting my workout.

I pull back and stare at him. At the cocky look on his face and I just want to smack him. First of all because Ilikedit. Second of all, well, the second one can be because I want him to do it again. But third of all, because he’s anasshole. And maybe he thinks that because he’s caught feelings, or caught guilt, or whatever he thinks is going on that it erases the years of hell he put me through. Or robbing me of my potential future. It should be my decision if I proceed in All Saints, no one else’s. And certainly not his.

But if he keeps touching me, I’m going to lose my conviction and I’m going to throw him on my bed and take off his pants to test the theory that sex is a perfectly fine place to start a relationship.

I close my eyes. This isn’t who I am. This is hormones. Kendall has developed some sort of savior complex like I’m a damsel in distress.

“I’m not quitting,” I say to him, taking a step back. Forcing myself to drop my hands from where they’ve somehow found their way to his shoulders. This is my enemy, I tell myself. My incrediblysexy, confusing as hell enemy. It has to be that way if I’m going to function.

When he opens his mouth to argue, I hold up a hand to stop him. And then I lean over and grab my gym bag and sling it over my shoulder. “Look, that next test’s paycheck could keep me here at Oxford. Even without All Saints. These aremydreams, Kendall. I won’t sacrifice my dreams or future because of you say you have regrets about being an asshole in high school.”

He reaches out and grabs my wrist as I turn to the door. “I won’t be able to protect you.”

“I didn’t ask you to.”

His eyes harden. “They’lluse you. Against me.”

I scoff, pulling my hair back into a high pony and yanking my hair tie so tight it hurts. “Here we go again, back to how it will affectyou. Do you care about other people? Ever?” His gaze turns angry and he surges to his feet, towering over me. I go toe to toe with him, righteous in my anger. “Or do you just try to intimidate everyone if they don’t do what you want?”

Fire burns in his eyes. “You have no idea what Iwantto do to you, Helena.”

I give him a wicked smile. Ihaveto get him off balance if he’s going to leave me alone. “I have a pretty good idea. Does it bother you that I’m walking away from it? That I’m telling you it’s not enough for you to want me? That I havehigher standardsthan some one night stand that will cost me my entire life’s plan?”

He looks like he’s going to grab my hair and drag me to my bed. I’m ashamed to admit the idea excites me. It’s horrific how anger focuses our lust. It should be all the red flag I need to steer me as far away from him as I can.

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