Page 134 of A Night with Damien Spur

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However, Damien was lonely. No one to deflect his obsession with mortality in the wee hours. Only the Voice to keep him company.

Sometimes he woke in the middle of the night, wondering whether he was dead or alive. He stretched out his arms and bent his legs, took deep breaths in from the nose, out through the mouth, placed two fingers on his wrist to check his pulse, testing the mechanics of his being.

But after the reading with Claudia, he found his anxiety had eased. He began to surrender to the night. He was ready to embrace the past, to allow himself to remember the moments that he had hitherto tried to forget.

But what if he had chosen the road not taken? What if he’d faced his demons earlier in the game?

But you didn’t. Where you are now is the only place you can be, said the Voice.

‘Maybe so. But I don’t want to live a blind life. Let me recall my past. It’s my history, my story, and I can’t just tear up the pages.’

Damien got out of bed and made himself a cup of builder’s tea, with a tiny smidgeon of milk and a spoonful of acacia honey.

He opened the larder door and took out the Fortnum & Mason tin. Half a shortbread biccie left. Why not? He sat at the wooden farmhouse table, popped it in his mouth and shut his eyes.

His beloved father materialised. It was Damien’s sixth birthday.

The image in his mind’s eye was so clear that it was almostas if his father’s spirit was with him.

‘Here you are.’ Daddy placed a large box on the Persian carpet in the grand sitting room of the sprawling family home in Highgate. ‘Let’s open it together. Aren’t you lucky to be born in the summer? Look at that clear blue sky.’ He opened the glass doors leading onto the terrace. ‘Later, we can go in the garden and have a picnic on the lawn.’

Damien beamed. Daddy kissed his cheek. ‘Where’s Mama?’ he asked.

‘She’ll be down in a minute,’ Daddy replied. ‘Poor Mummy’s got a headache. She’s resting. Now let’s get on with unwrapping your present.’

A fantastic train set. A big-boy’s one with a remote control. The carriages in red and gold.

Daddy was smiling at him, his eyes full of tender affection. And at that moment Damien knew he was truly loved.

But then, when he was seven, something terrible happened.

Damien shook his head as the images flashed through his mind.

Yes! You wanted this, said the Voice.You chose to visit your past, so don’t block it.

Damien remembered how he’d eaten his dinner and brushed his teeth, ready for bedtime. But where was Daddy? He usually came to read him a story and kiss him goodnight.

Sometimes, if she was feeling well, Mummy came too. But that evening he heard his parents shouting.

‘Don’t you tell me what to do,’ Mummy said. ‘If I want to go to France for the weekend with my girlfriends, I will. You don’t own me and what’s more I’m the one who pays the bills since you’ve been ill.’ Her shouting became screaming. ‘I’m fed up with you. I want to leave. There’s nothing left except your bloody gambling debts.’

And that was when he heard Daddy cry. He wanted to go and cuddle him, but he was scared.

‘Please, please, call the doctor,’ he heard Daddy say. ‘I’m in terrible pain. My heart hurts.’

Mummy wasn’t having any stuff and nonsense. ‘You always complain,’ she said. ‘Last time I wanted to go to Spain, you did the same thing. And, when I cancelled the trip, like magic you were better again.’

Damien hid under the sheets and, muffling his ears with a pillow, finally fell asleep.

Come the morning, Nanny woke him. ‘How’s Daddy?’ he asked her.

‘Daddy’s gone away,’ she told him.

‘When will he be back?’

‘He’s on a journey to the stars.’

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