Page 27 of A Night with Damien Spur

Bryan leant forward and circled his lips with his tongue. ‘You don’t have to say it, Mrs M… I understand.’

‘You do?’

‘Your hubby.’

‘What about him?’

‘Well, he probably works all hours God sends him.’

‘Yes, he does work hard.’

‘And you…’ Brian winked. ‘Viagra… I get it.’

‘Get what?’

‘You know… roses need water otherwise the petals dry up.’ He placed the banana skin on the plate and leered at Claudia with his toady eyes.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Well then, you don’t have to pay me. You know I’d do it for free.’

‘Of course I have to pay you, Bryan!’ She ignored the innuendo and yanked the conversation back on track.

‘The pharmacist will ask you questions, so you have to pretend that you have a problem.’

‘No, no… I don’t need Viagra anyway. I can go for hours.’

‘What are you talking about? It’s not for you – it’s for a friend.’

‘Oh.’ He swallowed hard. ‘Oh well.’ He shook his head. ‘Now I see. I thought you meant you… and me… but…’ Bryanstuck out his chin and crossed his arms. ‘But if it’s for another fella, why can’t he ask himself?’

‘It’s for a girlfriend.’

‘Why would a girl need Viagra?’

‘Oh, never mind. I really don’t have time for this.’ Claudia snatched her bag and took out her wallet. ‘Here’s twenty pounds plus another twenty for the Viagra. No more questions. Will you just do it? Today? After you’ve done the gardening, bring me the pills this afternoon. Okay?’

‘Done deal, Mrs M.’ He plucked the notes from her delicate fingers.

Claudia looked at his filthy nails and wondered how any woman could let him touch her.

‘Well then, best be getting on, Mrs M. I’ll sort out the garden, go straight to the chemist and be back around 3 p.m.’

‘Good.’ She gave him a dry smile and opened her iPad.

***

Bryan proved reliable and returned that afternoon.

‘Abracadabra, here’s the Viagra.’ He waved a packet of four little pills in the air. ‘It was easy peasy, Mrs M.’ He gave her a cocky grin. ‘I was expecting the pharmacist to ask me about my todger, but he didn’t. Just questions on my general health and whether I was taking any other medication. In a way, it was a pity, because I was quite looking forward to telling him a cock and bull story. Well, that one just popped out,’ he said.

Claudia didn’t smile.

‘Geddit, Mrs M, cock and bull?’ His eyebrows jiggled up and down. He motored on. ‘I said how depressed I was because my dad had died a few weeks ago and every time I tried to get it up, I thought of the coffin being lowered into the ground and my mum crying. Oh dear, I can feel the tears welling up.’ He took out a dirty handkerchief and blew his nose.

Claudia looked the other way.

‘Well… then that’s that. Thanks for your help.’ She snatched the packet of Viagra and hustled him out of the kitchen door. ‘I’ve a reading in ten minutes, so off you go.’

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