Page 26 of A Night with Damien Spur

‘Yes, trying to squeeze in two more jobs today so I thought I’d give myself a head start. Hope you don’t mind.’

‘Well, luckily my 8 a.m. reading was cancelled. It’s best that you ask me first in future.’

‘Yeah, I will… promise.’ He stood at the door, his knobbly arms and legs sticking out like gnarled branches from the sleeves of his black T-shirt and khaki combat shorts.

‘Anyway…’ Claudia clapped her hands together. ‘Would you like a cup of tea, Bryan?’

‘Thank you.’ He was surprised. She didn’t normally offer him tea before he started gardening.

He followed her into the kitchen. ‘Didn’t have time this morning,’ he said. ‘Too busy packing for tomorrow. Going to Tenerife with my girlfriend. Going to climb up part of the Tiède. She’s a bit worried in case she gets dizzy. Had a few turns in the last couple of weeks. I dunno, maybe she’s pregnant?’

Claudia yawned. Perhaps she should just wave the twenty quid in front of him and forget the small talk and the tea. No, it would be better to keep him sweet.

He looked so chuffed, as if the Queen had invited him into Buckingham Palace for a cuppa.

He had a huge crush on Claudia.

‘Bryan, just come and sit down for a minute. I want to ask you to do something. You can say no, but I’ll make it worthyour while.’ Claudia placed a white ceramic mug on the table.

Bryan’s milky green eyes slid sideways.

‘Oh yes? I’m all ears. Uh, but… I wonder… you wouldn’t have a biscuit, would you? Had nothing in my mouth since last night.’

‘Of course.’ Claudia plopped a couple of digestives on a plate.

He eyed the fruit bowl.

‘Wouldn’t mind a banana,’ he said. ‘That’s if you can spare one.’

‘Sure. Perhaps you’d like a tangerine as well?’

Bryan didn’t understand irony.

‘No thanks. Bad for my acid reflux. I’m taking pills, but it’s still causing me problems. Shame, really. I love tangerines and oranges… and kiwis and pineapples, but they make my tongue swell. I can eat apples, though…’ His eyes flicked back and forth to the bowl. He waited.

She’d had enough.

‘Down to business, Bryan.’ Claudia sat. ‘Now then, I’m sure you’ve heard of Viagra.’

‘Yes, of course.’ Bryan took a bite of his banana. ‘Keeps you up and at it. Haven’t tried it myself. Luckily no problem down under. Doesn’t take a lot for me to go up north. Mind you, I think that gardening helps… Keeps a man “earthed”, so to speak.’ Bryan smirked at his pun. ‘Anyway, why so?’ He eyeballed her and took another bite of the banana.

‘Well, you used to be able only to get it on prescription, but now you can buy it over the counter. And, well… I… I thought you might…’

Bryan’s eyes glistened. He couldn’t believe it. Mrs M was finally making a move. The story in his head was actually happening…

It was a hot summer’s day. Bryan was pruning the roses. He had taken off his T-shirt. He could feel her watching him.

‘Would you like some pink lemonade, Bryan?’ Her voice wafted across the lawn. He turned round. She was standing on the terrace barefoot, wearing a black bikini top, flaunting her long, tanned legs in snug denim shorts.

‘Thank you, Mrs M, my throat’s parched.’

And there she was beside him, holding the glass to his lips.

‘No need for a free hand, Bryan. You just keep on pruning…’

Her beautiful soft hand slid down his back and she said, ‘Your shoulders are burning. Let me get you some lotion.’

And now here he was, living the dream.

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