Page 94 of Unforgivable

The four-minute walkto the coffee shop took longer than it should have, but that might have had something to do with me walking by it twice because I was too preoccupied with the chaos in my head. I couldn’t even make sense of what had me so freaked out. I recognized that I was being a melodramatic imbecile. I did, really. Awareness of the issue did nothing to calm my butt down though.

It’s one thing to be in love with someone and try to come to terms with that, but it’s another thing entirely to be ready to hear it yourself. I was still figuring out my own feelings and I hadn’t been prepared to accept that he might feel the same. Even if it was what I wanted more than anything…

With the dissonant thoughts still blaring, I rushed into the coffee shop and straight to the counter to order. The drink came out in record time and I spotted Micah at a table in the back.

“Hey! I am so sorry I’m late! I completely suck! Please don’t be mad!” I blurted as I crashed into the booth. Micah shot me a startled look, shaking his head as if to reset after my frenzied invasion.

“It’s okay! Really! Take a deep breath,” Micah smiled at me, but I saw the concern in his gaze. “You alright? You look a little flustered, and it’s not like you to be late.”

I flushed hot, thinking about what had happened earlier that had me running behind. Of course, that brought on refreshed guilt at how I had basically abandoned Cal after his heartfelt admission and then dirtier memories wormed their way in. Memories of Cal’s hands, his lips, his cock…oh my god, are you kidding me? Get it together, Evans! Stop turning your boyfriend into mental Pornhub!

“Yeah, no I’m good!” I squeaked a little too loudly. “I was just talking to someone and lost track of the time. Anyway, how have things been with you?” I flashed him a wide grin, but it felt awkward and plastic.

“Oooh no you don’t. We’re circling back to you,” Micah countered. “You’ve been pretty MIA lately and I want to know what’s up. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but you look like you just got fucked…and good,” he ribbed. The heat that surged up my face and neck betrayed me because Micah’s eyes widened comically like a Hanna Barbera cartoon.

“Rhys! Holy shit, who is it? Do I know him? Was it good? What happened?” Micah threw a dozen questions at me, floored by the possibilities. He asked about the nameless Lacrosse guy who had been bothering me, and my stomach pitched. Guilt washed over me as I thought about how to answer him. After Thanksgiving break, I had caved and told Micah about Cal’s bullying and even the unpleasant run-in with Griffin. He had been so worried about me that I didn’t want to lie to him anymore, but I downplayed things a bit and didn’t give any details.

I had always planned to tell him everything, especially once Cal and I were together, but he had so many problems this year with the guy he was dating and then with Bash…it never felt like the right time. I wasn’t used to having friends that I could share things with, not before him and Fin. Even knowing Connor for as many years as I did, I kept things from him. It was my natural state to hold things in and deal with them alone. I realized it wasn’t healthy, but bad habits are hard to break, which could be the only explanation for the lies that poured from my mouth at Micah’s rapid fire questions.

“Uhh, you don’t know him. I mean, there’s nothing to know! I didn’t get fu—I didn’t sleep with anyone. It wasn’t anything like that, promise! And the um…Lacrosse guy hasn’t been bothering me. It’s all good. I’m good! Completely good and unsexed over here. I’ve just been trying to get out and live a little, you know?” I couldn’t stem my rambling, the overflow of regret and anxiety fueling my lies.

I could tell Micah instantly felt bad, his face twisting with remorse. “Rhys, I’m so sorry, it’s none of my business. I shouldn’t have pushed. I’m really glad you’ve been getting back out there and you aren’t letting what that douchebag did ruin your junior year. As long as he and his asshole teammate aren’t giving you any more grief, right?”

“I promise, that’s over with. I shouldn’t have any more problems with those guys,” I forced out tightly. “But…thank you for caring enough to ask, Micah. You’re a good friend and I’ve missed you.” I gave him a genuine smile because I had missed my friend. Micah was compassionate and kind, just like Fin, and I had misled him because I was an idiot. It was my fault. His comments about Cal and even Griffin were a knife to my gut. I hated that Micah didn’t know how much Cal really meant to me. I hated for anyone to think that Cal was a problem, that he could be anything other than my whole heart.

Clarity struck, so sharp and sure that it cut through the maelstrom in my head and left me reeling from a profound truth. The only truth that mattered.

I was deeply and unequivocally in love with Callum Hawkins. I think I had been for a long time.

My nails dug into my leg under the table, anger at myself rising hot and bitter in my chest. I ran away from him. He had begged me not to, and I let the irrational fear that had swamped me send me running out the door. Cal told me he wasn’t going anywhere, even if I didn’t love him back, but what if I’d ruined that? What if my thoughtless reaction hurt him too much and he didn’t want to waste time on someone who didn’t love him in return? Except I did!

But how is he supposed to know that when you took off like Sonic the freaking Hedgehog? Crap, I screwed up bad. This is not good. In the eloquent words of my sweet friend Micah…oh shitty titties.

I prattled on with Micah, trying like heck to focus on him and how good things were going for him now. He looked so happy and bright, and after all the crap that he’d gone through this year, I owed it to him to keep the attention on him. This wasn’t the time to get into how I’d been foolish and dishonest about me and Cal. That deserved more care than a quick chat in a coffee shop.

And to be honest, I was anxious to wrap this up and get back to Cal. Scared or not, I needed to take this leap with him. Cal felt things deeply and with his whole body, and I wanted to be on the receiving end of a love that powerful and reckless. That’s how I planned to love him in return. Immensely, relentlessly, and with every atom in my being.

Micah and I talked for another twenty minutes, and by then I was vibrating with impatience. As I left the shop, I yanked out my phone and fired off a text to Cal.

Me

I’m so sorry I left like I did. Can I come back over so we can talk?

I promise it’s nothing bad! I have something I want to tell you.

The messages were read almost instantly, but he didn’t respond. I abused my bottom lip, waiting for the three bouncing dots that would show me he was answering. They never came. Call it instinct or foreboding or whatever, but I knew something was wrong. Cal never left me on read. Of course it was possible that he was just busy, but that didn’t feel right. I hoped I hadn’t upset him to the point that he was reconsidering his promise to stay in this with me.

I headed in the direction of his apartment, praying up a storm that he wouldn’t turn me away. Even if he did, I wouldn’t stop until he let me back in.

28

CALLUM

Itried not to worry once Rhys fled my apartment, but that was much easier said than done. Fuck me, I probably should have waited for a better time to just drop the L bomb like that. Rhys had finally opened up to me about his traumatic past, and like a jackass I unloaded on him in his vulnerable moment. I hadn’t meant to scare him or make him uncomfortable. I just couldn’t go another second without him knowing how I felt. His story had shredded me and all I had wanted was to let him know exactly how much he meant to me. How fundamental he was to my life now.

The Callum I was before Rhys felt like a prototype, an experiment until I found the key that unlocked who I was meant to be. For a long time, I tricked myself into thinking I was happy, or at least as happy as I was allowed to be. I went on feeling fine, believing my happiness was just the absence of bad shit. Meeting Rhys proved to me that I wasn’t as happy as I thought. I was just surviving. I was sucking oxygen each day and going through the motions, but then he came along and destroyed every belief I held about myself. He showed me how much fucking better my life could be with the addition of a single person. Rhys was my happiness. The one who brought color and light to my world, renewing my hope that things could get better.

I fought with myself not to fall back into shitty habits and spiral. Rhys may not know it yet, but I knew he loved me too. I felt it in theway he cared for me, kissed me, looked at me. I could be patient until he figured it out. He was worth it.

---