Page 16 of Inevitable

God, that was an entirely unwelcome, distressing experience to know I was the cause of Bash’s pain, but I couldn’t fix it for him. As much as I loved him and wanted to comfort him in that instant, tell him that I forgave him and everything would be alright, I couldn’t allow it. Bash’s betrayal, no matter his reasoning, had cut me so deep that it would take a while for me to be stable enough for him to start working on making it right between us.

Could I have told him that I just needed time and I wasn’t walking away from him forever? Yes. Yes I could.

But I didn’t. Hopefully, he would know that there was practically nothing in this world that could make me want to give him up because it was just a fact. Even if I had to endure unimaginable pain seeing him with someone else, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t have Bash there to be my rock, my safe place, the other half of me. I would suffer all nine circles of Hell to keep him in my life and smile at the Devil while doing it.

So I had to be content with the reality that it would take Bash and I some time before we were on solid footing again, but we would find our way back to each other one way or another. I don’t think either of us could live in a world where there wasn’t a “Micah and Bash”.

Emotionally drained and unable to dwell on things further, I climbed onto my couch in my new apartment, and fell into a troubled sleep.

*****

A booming sound had me jerking awake in a panic and falling off the side of the couch. I was so disoriented from the lack of sleep and my rude awakening that it took me several moments before I recognized the sound as loud knocking on my front door. Even if I had followed through on my ill-advised plan for a knitting needle lobotomy last night, I still would have known without a doubt who was at my door right now. My intuition was proven right when I heard Bash’s voice calling out from the other side.

“M&M?”Knock, knock, knock. “M, please open the door! Just give me two minutes, that’s all I need!”Knock, knock, knock, knock.

The urge to run to the door and throw myself in his arms just so he could make this shitty feeling go away nearly consumed me, but by some act of Zeus I forced myself to stay on the floor in front of my couch across the room from where he was knocking.

“M?...M, I’m begging you, please open the door,” Bash pleaded softly, the dejection plain in his voice.

Ugh…I’m such a fucking pushover for this lying, sucky, amazing asshole.

With an exasperated sigh, I crawled to my feet and walked over to unlock the door, leaving the latch chain in place so he couldn’t push his way in. He could say what he wanted to say through the two inch crack in the door.

When I opened it, Bash’s eyes lit up with hope and gratitude, but his face quickly fell when he noticed the chain and the fact that I wasn’t welcoming him inside.

“What do you want, Bash? I told you yesterday that I wasn’t ready for you to explain yourself,” I told him gently, but with a tone that brooked no argument.

A light glaze of tears covered his eyes, making the color a vibrant lily pad green that made my heart clench in my chest and nearly made me forget every ounce of my anger toward him.Stupid, sexy bastard.

“M, I am truly fucking sorry for lying to you! I never meant to hurt you like this, and I know you said you didn’t want to talk to me, but I couldn’t let you think for one second that you aren’t important to me. You mean fucking everything to me, M, and I cannot lose you over this. I fucking can’t!” Bash’s words got progressively shakier as the tears he was holding back started to drench his words.

The words made my stomach clinch tight, but it was his fractured voice that ripped a hole straight through me. Even in my anger, he was still my whole heart and hearing him in pain was one ofthe worst things to bear.

“Bash…” I started quietly, but Bash cut me off. “God, what I’d give to hear you call me BB again, just once…” he whispered.

Oh, my fucking heart…

I swallowed achingly past the giant lump lodged in my throat, and tried again. “Bash…BB…you have to understand where I’m coming from. You lied to me for almost eight months about a massive piece of your life. This wasn’t a random quickie at a frat party that you neglected to mention, this was your girlfriend. A serious, monogamous relationship that you repeatedly told me you didn’t have. Why hide it? What is that supposed to be telling me?” I asked him, my voice laced with all the misery I felt.

Bash’s tears finally fell, and he made no move to clear them away, letting the proof of his regret wash down his face. “M, you will never understand how much I hate myself for hurting you or losing your trust in me for this. It was so impossibly stupid for me to lie about it because I made it a bigger deal than it should have been. I don’t know why, but I always felt scared to tell you about Ainsley anytime we saw each other, and I didn’t want to have that conversation unless it was face to face. I swear to God I wanted to tell you before you moved here, but it just got buried under everything else and that alone should show you it doesn’t mean half of what you think it does to me!”

Fuck, there was a lot to unpack in that statement. Why did he make it a big deal when it supposedly wasn’t? What would make him scared to tell me about her? What else was going on with him that it “got buried” to the point where he forgot to tell me? And does he mean Ainsley doesn’t mean that much to him? And if that’s the case, then why the fuck is he with her and hiding it from me?

Ugh, this is fucking exhausting and I am in desperate need of caffeinated reinforcements to have this conversation.

I let all the air whoosh out of my lungs in one fell swoop, and closed the door in his face, only to unlatch it right after and swing it back open for him.

“You, uh…you want some coffee or something?” I muttered to him, not quite able to meet his gaze. I could feel, more than see, the relief crash down on Bash as his shoulders slumped back down, no longer held up tight by his anxiety and distress. He didn’t say a word, simply nodded and followed me inside.

I hadn’t unpacked anything in the kitchen yesterday after my parents left, but all my coffee supplies were in a single box next to the fridge, so it took me less than ten minutes to unload it and have my Keurig set up and ready.

I grabbed two mugs from the box, and once I had both cups filled to the brim with the sweet, lifesaving nectar, I passed one to Bash and sat down on the opposite side of the island, a move he definitely noticed as intentional if the tightness in his eyes and the flash of pain there were anything to go by.

“So you say that you intended to tell me about her, but then why were you so afraid? I mean, I don't get why you’d be scared to tell me anything, Bash, it doesn’t make any sense to me,” I asked him.

Bash tensed and kept his eyes on the liquid in his mug like it held the key to getting out of this conversation with me.Nice try, bestie, but no dice.

“I guess…I was worried that once I told you about her, it would change everything between us. It’s been me and you for so long, I was scared that you’d pull away from me or somehow think I wouldn’t have time for you because I was dating Ainsley,” Bash murmured, something hidden in his voice that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

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