Page 65 of My Heart to Find

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Cara

“HE BROKE UP WITH ME,” Jana gulps. She’s standing in my hallway, shaking. Esme let her in, and the moment Jana was inside, she just seemed to melt. I’ve only seen her like this once before—crying, shaking, her fingers curling like claws so her knuckles get whiter. She wasn’t like this when she broke up with Max. Just Ray—Ray who she really liked. “It’s Friday the 13th, and he broke up with me.”

So, she really liked Damien?

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

How much of a shitty friend am I that hearing that my best friend was dumped by Damien makes me happy? Because that has to mean he is interested in me, right? Unless he’s not interested in either of us. I mean, he didn’t break up with Jana right after talking with me. Left it over a week. Maybe he ruled me out right away, but has now realized he’s not interested in Jana either. Not really.

I swallow hard, and I feel so awkward and useless standing here as my best friend cries. I can’t even hug her. Can’t even get close to her.

“I’m sorry,” I say again.

“I should’ve known it wouldn’t work,” she says. “I mean...we didn’t even kiss. I’d thought we were going to on the moors, but then he acted completely oblivious to it—and I thought he was being coy earlier this week, but now I don’t think it occurred to him. Because he just wasn’t into me, not really.”

“Oh, no,” I say. “But, Jana, you’re an amazing person.”

“Not amazing enough for him to want to keep seeing me.” She tries to give me a smile, but just ends up crying harder.

“Come on,” I say, indicating the living room with my hand. “Let’s go in there. We can get ice cream, watch a film or something.”

Jana nods and gulps, heading into the living room.

“I’ll get the ice cream,” I call after her, before rushing to the kitchen. I take several deep breaths. I can do this. I can sit in the living room. I can change my clothes later.

I grab a carton of ice cream. It’s vanilla. The only type in our freezer. There’s not much left in it, so I forgo bowls, just retrieving two spoons before heading into the living room.

Really, you’re going to eat from the same carton as Jana?

The OCD is trying to scare me. It knows I can’t eat much dairy or processed food anyway.

I take a deep breath, ignoring the OCD, and join Jana. “Do you want to put the TV on?” I ask. “Remote’s over there.”

Jana turns it on—I’m grateful I don’t have to touch the remote—and she loads up Netflix on our Now TV box and selectsEnola Holmes. “Heard this is supposed to be good,” she says. “Milly Bobby Brown is in it. River wouldn’t watch it with me because of that.”

River the Repulsive. River the Rude. River the...Ratty?

As the film starts, Jana’s tears lessen a bit, until twenty minutes in, she’s completely engaged in the film. I, on the other hand, am not. It’s always the same watching anything in here. I’m just on too high alert—now even more so than ever. Because what if I hallucinate again? The inevitability of it is a dark shadow hanging over me.

I pick at the ice cream with my spoon, careful always to scoop up a little from the opposite side to where Jana’s getting hers from.

*

JANA LEAVES A COUPLEof hours later, just minutes before Esme and Mum get back. They’ve been out at the library after Esme finished school, and food-shopping in town too, judging by the bags they bring back.

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