Page 23 of With This Lie

“Oh yes, I think that will do just fine,” he says.

We both retreat into silence, basking in the aftershock of it, of us.

After a little while, he sits up and looks around.

“You have a nice bedroom,” he says.

I laugh. “Thanks. I wanted it to be a relaxing space.” I know neither of us know what to say. I want to ask him to stay the night, but I know he can’t. He has a life to get back to. “I guess you should probably go, huh?” I ask, saying it before he has the chance.

He looks down at his left hand and nods without saying a word. He stands up and starts putting his clothes on.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Fuck.

I get up and start putting my clothes on too. When we finish, he takes me by my hand, and we walk to the front door together like that. He turns and places his hands on either side of my face. He leans down and kisses me softly on the lips. I hug his waist and rub my hands over his shoulder blades. I can hear “Do You Mind?” by The XX in my head. I don’t want him to go and that’s not like me.

He pulls back from me and kisses my forehead. I smile.

“I’ll text you when I get home, okay?” he says.

“Okay,” I say.

He opens the door and walks backwards out.

I close and lock it after he disappears down the stairs. I stand there, leaning against my door and running my fingers over my lips. Tonight is the first time I feel disappointed that someone left. I don’t know how to feel about that. I replay the events of the night in my mind and realize I enjoyed talking with him just as much as I enjoyed the sex which didn’t happen very often. In fact, I can’t remember it ever happening. Perhaps because I never gave it a chance to happen.

I make my way back to my bedroom, turning lights off as I go. Flipping the bedroom light on briefly, I smile and turn it back off. My body wants me to go to sleep but I need to wait for Lucas to text me so I apply some lip balm and try to straighten up my bed. I flip on the television and pull my weighted blanket up over me and nestle into the center of the bed. Investing in a weighted blanket to calm me down at night was a sound choice and when you don’t share the bed with anyone you can afford to be selfish with the bedding. I am flipping through the channels when I hear my phone buzz.

Lucas: I’m home but I’m not happy about it.

Me: Why is that?

Lucas: I liked where I was half an hour ago better.

Me: Well, maybe you can stay next time?

Lucas: When is next time?

Me: I guess that’s really up to you.

Lucas: I’ll see what I can do.

Me: Good ;)

Lucas: Get some sleep, nerd.

Me: Oh, I plan to. I’m tired. Someone really wore me out earlier.

Lucas: Sounds like a lucky man.

Me: Now who’s the nerd?

Me: Goodnight you.

Lucas: Goodnight.

I plug my phone in on my bedside table and snuggle back into my nest. I toss and turn a few times, repositioning myself over and over again but I can’t seem to get comfortable. I close my eyes and try to find some calm space in my mind. I’m still replaying the events of the night and it hits me.

I don’t want to be going to sleep alone tonight. Damn.

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