Page 36 of For Now

“Oh, I’m sure I do. But I can’t give it to you all at once. This will have to be enough. Fornow.”

“For now,” he said,smiling.

We got into a rhythm of chopping and sautéing until it was all done. By the end, we had the most delicious looking shrimp stir-fry I’d ever seen. My mouth was watering. We sat down at the small kitchen table with our food and glasses of wine. I was so excited to get a bite into my mouth, I barely waited until we were both seated. I heard him laughing as I took my secondbite.

“Have I starved you?” heasked.

“No, but for some reason I’m especially hungry,” I said,laughing.

“Just please don’t choke. I’m not prepared to deliver the Heimlich,” hesaid.

I slowed after a few bites and took a sip of wine. Sitting here in silence with him didn’t feel awkward at all. My mind wasn’t racing or searching for something to say to fill the quiet space between us. My shoulders slouched back, I breathed slowly, and I could feel his foot against mine.This must be what it’s like for other people, people who can forget about the ugliness that’s happened to them. Maybe I can forget,too.

“Can I ask you a question?” I interrupted thesilence.

“Of course. You can ask me anything,” Samuelsaid.

“Do you ever think about having more kids?” I asked. I’m not sure what even brought that question on, but it was too latenow.

Samuel looked at me a bit surprised and a bit happy to answer. “Yes. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I think about giving Mason a baby brother or sister sometimes. I think more about just giving him a whole family. A mother figure. I would like him to have that wholeness one day. I think about being in love with a woman who loves me back. I think about loving a woman who will stay,” he said calmly anddeliberately.

“I see,” Isaid.

“What about you, Delilah?” heasked.

“It’s not that easy for me,” Isaid.

“I can imagine after what you’ve been through you would be hesitant,” hesaid.

“It’s more than that, I think. I think about it sometimes. I think about being with a man who would never treat me like Jeff did. I think about having a family. I think about having a baby. Most of the time though, those thoughts unravel me. And then I worry about bringing someone else into that, into mymadness.”

Samuel shook his head and appeared to be processing my response. It fell silent again for a moment before he finally responded. “I think you deserve those things, Delilah. I think you deserve that happiness. I think you will have them one day,” he said. And we went silent again, appreciating the candid answers we had given eachother.

We finished dinner and dishes together. I stood here drying my hands with a towel when I saw Samuel staring at me with a mischievous grin on hisface.

“Are you ready to see what’s on the back porch?” he asked, not even attempting to mask hisexcitement.

“Uh oh. You’ve got me a little worried,” Isaid.

Samuel grabbed my hand and led me past the kitchen to the back door that led out to the porch. In the center of it stood a hot tub. The room was warm and steamy. He’d apparently snuck out here earlier while I was upstairs changing and turned it on to make sure it wasready.

His face was beaming. My heart started to pound the way it did when I felt like I might have a panic attack only the panic attack never actuallycame.

“Can we please? Just think of how warm and relaxing that water is going to be,” he said, and I couldn’t deny his logic. Just feeling the steamy warmth in the air made me want to sink into it and stay there until Ipruned.

“Yes, we can,” I replied, both excited and hesitant. This had disaster written all over it but I didn’t have the strength to stopit.

“Let’s go change!” hesaid.

“I didn’t bring a bathing suit,” Isaid.

“I mean, I’m not going to complain whatever you decide to do,” hesaid.

I rolled my eyes at him.Ugh, that man, Iswear…

* * *

Iarrived backat the hot tub in a robe. Samuel was wearing nothing but those short, tight boxer briefs that hugged everything. And for the first time, I saw his perfect hips, his perfect v-shaped abdomen, his perfect chest. I saw his tattoos that stretched from his biceps, up around his shoulders, and across the top of his back.Cheesecake,I thought,he’s cheesecake.I couldn’t believe I was about to disrobe in front of him. He stepped up and into the hot tub and I watched his back muscles relax. The sight of him waist deep in the steaming hot water was enough to keep me warm through the entirenight.

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