Page 48 of For Now

Then it hit me. It seeped in like the toxic truth it was, gutting me. We can all see the truth if we look close enough. We can all find it hiding in plain sight. Sometimes we see it and ignore it. Perhaps that’s what I had done. Perhaps, in the fleeting moments when I saw it right in front of my face, I decided to push it aside instead of question it. Why, I didn’t know. For self-preservation, for the moment, for the sake of what I thought was happiness. Whatever the reason then, it was in front of me now in a way I couldn’t ignore or pretend to ignore. And we all had to faceit.

Chapter Thirty

Emma and Davidstayed with me for a few days and I ignored every phone call and text message Samuel sent me. He tried coming to the house once but Emma told him I didn’t want to see him and possibly never would. That wasn’t completely true, however. I did want to see him. I wanted to confront him, make him tell me the truth. I just wasn’t sure when I would be ready forthat.

I had known pain and heartache. I had known betrayal. And he knew that. He knew how I would react, how I’d feel, what I’d think about it and he intentionally stayed quiet about it. He was selfish. How could he do this? I was beginning to think all men were cowards. I was beginning to believe I had definitely been better offalone.

I hugged Emma and David on their last morning after staying with me. I had spent all night explaining to Emma why I couldn’t stay here, despite the fact that I wanted to. I promised her I would be back to help with the baby though. And then I started packing up my little house all over again. I still had most of the boxes from unpacking so I guess that was convenient. I had to look for the silver lining at this point. I didn’t really have anything else. I didn’t know how quickly I could pack up and get out but I was sure as hell going to find out. If I had anything to do with it, I would set a new worldrecord.

I stopped long enough to brew a pot of coffee and stared out through my back porch, listening to it hiss and spit against the silence. I would miss this place. I would miss Emma. I would hate missing watching her grow through her pregnancy. I’d come back for the birth. I had to come back for the birth. I would still visit from time to time of course but it wouldn’t be the same. I would miss Samuel, or rather I would miss the man he pretended to be, which was dumb. It’s the silliest thing to do. To feel something for someone even though everything tells you not to, even though they aren’t worthy of your love. We all get caught up in it, the heart’s ability to be so self-destructive.

I wiped the tears from beneath my eyes with my hoodie sleeve.God, this is going to be a long day.I put music on, the loud kind, the kind full of angst and rage. It was the go-to playlist when I felt like I was in danger of being toosoft.

An hour later, most of the kitchen was packed except some essentials, and I started on the living room. Much to my surprise, I was getting a little hungry. I didn’t want to eat though. That’s always how it was when emotions ran high in me. My body told me things and the rest of me ignored them. It was a tug-of-war and I couldn’t tell who was going towin.

Then I heard it. The dreaded knock at the door. The one that I knew wasn’t Emma or David. The one that came from the only other person it could be. I could feel my heart thudding faster now as I got up from the floor in front of the bookshelf. I started over toward the door, intentionally pushing my shoulders back and standing up straighter. I needed to be bigger, I needed to be stronger forthis.

I swung the door open all the way, surprising Samuel in the exact way I meantto.

“Hello, Samuel,” Isaid.

“Hello, Delilah.” He smiled, though I couldn’t figure outwhy.

“What do you want?” Iasked.

“I brought food,” he said, holding up the brown paper bag ofChinese.

“I’m not hungry,” I lied. Even now after all that had happened, the man was still trying to feedme.

“Can we talk?” he asked, putting the bag back down by hisside.

I gestured toward the living room and stepped aside to let himin.

He looked around, eyes fixed on the boxes half packed on the floor, and whirled around at me. “Are you moving?” heasked.

“Yes,” Isaid.

“Why?” heasked.

And here it was. The moment where everything was going to spill out all over the floor and make a mess no one was prepared to clean up. “I should think that it’s pretty obvious,” Istated.

“Not to me,” heurged.

“Tell me the truth,” Isaid.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, confusion all over hisface.

“Don’t play me, Samuel. I saw it,” Isnapped.

“Saw what?” he said, eyes searchingmine.

“When you saw Jeff. When you saw him here in my house. Tell me. Tell me it was the first time you’d ever seen him. Tell me I didn’t see recognition across your face when you whirled him around and looked him in the eyes. Tell me I’m wrong,” I saidfirmly.

Samuel’s eyes were discs. His jaw dropped, and he turned his face to the floor. He let out a deep sigh. The grip on his bag tightened. After a few seconds, he looked up at me. If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn his eyes were glossy the way they are just before someonecries.

“You’re not wrong.” His voicetrembled.

“All you men are the same,” I said. I felt a tear escape down mycheek.

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