Page 49 of For Now

“That’s not fair. Please let me explain,” hesaid.

“Fair? Don’t talk to me about fair. Just start explaining,” I said, crossing my arms over mychest.

“He’s the man I saw in the photos with my wife, the ones the private investigator brought back after he found her. I was so shocked to see him here, Delilah. So shocked to see him standing in your living room, cornering you. When you said it was your ex-husband, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I just decided saying nothing in the moment was better,” hesaid.

“Were you ever going to tell me? Or were you just going to wait until your ex-wife tried to kill me?” Iasked.

“I swear to you, I tried. I did. When we were walking around the trail at the cabin. But you told me not to,” hesaid.

“Oh, so it’s my fault?! For all I know, you could have been plotting with the both of them the entire time!” Isnapped.

Samuel’s eyebrow crinkled. Pain swept him. “Delilah, how could you think that? How could you even imagine I would ever do that toyou?”

“It’s not hard for me, Samuel. You know what I’ve been through, you know what Jeff did to me. It’s not a far leap at this point. If I’ve learned one thing, it is that life can be infinitely crueler than you or I could ever imagine,” Isaid.

“Delilah, I love you. Okay? I am in love with you. And I’m sorry. God, I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you as soon as I saw him. If I had it to do all over again, I would. I am so sorry you have been through so much and if I had met you in time to prevent any of it, I would have. I would have protected you, Delilah. I would have done everything in my power to make sure you never felt any of it. Please believe me,” he said, desperation in hisvoice.

“I wish I could, Samuel. I wish I could,” Isaid.

“Don’t do this, Delilah,” hepleaded.

“I have to,” Isaid.

He shifted. He sat the bag down on the table next to him and shoved his hands in his pockets. His body rocked back and forth as his eyes darted around, tears brimming. I could tell he was trying to think of something to say but it was clear he couldn’t find the words he wanted, the words that would save this. I was between him and the door. He stepped toward me, stopping at my side. He leaned his head into my shoulder for a moment. I didn’t move my body but I turned my head away. I bit my bottom lip and closed my eyes, trying to keep it allin.

“You deserve all the happiness in the world, Delilah. Truly. I wish I could have been the one to give it to you. I wish I didn’t let you down,” he spoke softly. He pulled back and walked out my door without anotherword.

I waited until I heard the door shut, and then I fell to my knees andsobbed.

I was done packing for the night. I was done with everything for the night. I stood up after a few minutes and much to my surprise walked over to the bag of Chinese food he left. I opened the bag. Inside was a Styrofoam container of food, two fortune cookies, and an envelope with my name on it. Perhaps he thought he wasn’t going to get to speak to me and had written a note just in case. I pulled the letter out of the bag but I didn’t open it. I turned it over in my hands and then sat it aside. I pulled the food out to find that it was exactly what I alwaysordered.

I ate the food. I sat the two fortune cookies on my coffee table next to his unopened note. I curled myself into a ball on the couch, pulled the throw blanket off the back, and lay here staring at the note and the cookies. I thought for a long time about opening it but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to know what it said just yet. My eyelids grew heavy and I fell asleep just like that, staring at my name written across the envelope. I dreamt of nothing atall.

Chapter Thirty-One

Islept allthe way through the night and woke up the next morning to a voicemail from the moving company that said it would be three days until they could get a truck and a team to me. That was three days too long but there wasn’t really anything I could do about it. I would have to make the best ofit.

I drank coffee and stared at the letter again. I decided a nice, hot shower in a dark bathroom might help my body. It felt tense and rigid. I needed to relax my shoulders, melt a little. I walked down the hallway, shedding layers onto the floor. I didn’t really care. I’d pick it all up later. I started the water and looked at myself in the mirror as the room around me began to steam up. I pushed my fingers through my knotted hair, tugging at the tangles as I went. I looked at myself for a few long minutes, examining the tiny freckles across the bridge of my nose. If you didn’t lean in closely, you couldn’t even see them. I turned to the side and lifted my arm up. I ran my hand over the ridges of my ribs. I turned back around and cupped my breasts. Not in a sexual way. I did so as if I were holding myself together. I examined myself until I couldn’t anymore and I stepped into the heat of the shower. The water ran over my spine like it was trying to carry all the pain away with it. I would probably never understand the healing power of a hot shower, but I would always appreciateit.

As always, my mind ran away from this place, from this reality. I thought about somewhere else, a nameless place where I could go and be alone and not feel bad about the fact that I was alone. No one would know where it was or how to get there. I could disappear forever and just exist without the fear of being wounded. I felt like an animal. I was a stray dog with no control over what happened to her. Men could come and cage me, men could come and hurt me, put me on a leash, walk me. I had no place in thisworld.

I could feel the anger then. It was rising up in my chest. Finally, something that didn’t hurt. If I stayed like this, I could survive. I was in the nameless place in my head, lying on the ground. Although it wasn’t really the ground. All around me was just a gray expanse, like storm clouds. I was looking up where the sky should be, making shapes out of nothing atall.

“What are you doing here?” a familiar voiceasked.

“Trying to get away from you,” I said to him. I looked over to see what my imagination had put together for Samuel. He was blurry, but it washim.

“Why?” heasked.

“Why am I even talking to you? You’re not real,” Isaid.

“Beats me. It’s your head.” He laughed as he shrugged hisshoulders.

I really did love his laugh. My imagination had gotten it right. “I want you to go now,” Isaid.

“So send me away, love. Just snap your fingers and make me gone,” hesaid.

I wasn’t sure what the look on his face was. I felt like I should know because I put it there, but I didn’t quite understand. Isighed.

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