Page 37 of When Day Breaks

"I couldn't explain the feeling of needing to be in Shadow Creek. Iwantedto move far, far away from home, I wanted to get away from that life. But Ineededto be here." The realization sinks in, she's now seeing just how influential I was in all of this and now she knows the reasons why.

"I needed you here too, just as much as you needed to be here. You were the only guarantee that I'd get Ameliana to come out of hiding but I knew I'd be able to protect you." I'm honest. It's true. She'd be vulnerable everywhere else and once I discovered my tie to her, I needed to ensure her safety.

"When I realized that you were my tether, I felt you more and more. But I had to force myself to deny it, though I was still obligated to abide by it." Lucynda straightens her back and lets go of a breath she was holding in.

She's accepting my vulnerability even if it means it's hurting her. When I see that she waits for me to say more, I continue.

"Tethers don't necessarily survive in love or even mean that such has to be of subject, Lucynda. Sometimes it's just nature's doing and we must play our societal parts. Not all marriages are viable and fulfilling in emotional or mental connections but it's what needs to be done," I say.

"But with us…" she fades off. She takes the time that I provide to pause and think over my words to take a step backward to lean against the wall.

I allow her the space by dropping my hands, missing the heat and the feel of her close to me.

"I felt more with you, Cyn. I fucking did but I couldn't give in to that. I manufactured my very existence to seek the revenge I craved. I wanted their blood for mine. I decided that I wanted to be the one to kill my father, but his mindlessness did the job for me. My need and my hunger for vengeance still remained. Your mother did nothing to protect me, to protect the twins. She left you and forced my mother out of her place. She was selfish and ever since she came around, my father started to abuse me. I was now the boy who had an outcast of a mother because of the stupid tether my father found in Ameliana, and it destroyed me.

"I hated everything. I hated myself. My father. I hated breathing. I even hated the fucking sun. A new day would start, the sun would rise and I was mocked, like I had to just carry on and smile throughout the day because the sun was shining. But a new day meant another day of hating my very existence."

Vulnerability was never a strong suit of mine. I play the cards I want to show and keep the rest close to my chest. More accurately, I throw them away, burn them. Being mentally or emotionally assailable is not something I subject myself to for all sakes and purposes.

"You told me that she ran away a second time," Lucynda starts. "But she couldn't be found, yet you didn't believe she was really gone. You stumbled upon me and decided to use me to bring her out. Why? Why not just leave it. She was gone."

"I was bloodthirsty, Cyn, and the consciousness I forged was relentlessly unsparing. It didn't matter who I hurt and who I had to use to get what I wanted." My explanation won't make sense to anyone who hasn't lived my pain, not truly. It's hard to reveal that I am the reason I suffered my own moral discountenance. "Besides…" I continue. "Ameliana was the one who killed me."

Cyn's head jerks to me, her eyes wide with question and confliction.

"My mother killed you?"

"Maybe it didn't matter who did the deed as much but there was something burning deep inside me that always hated her for doing it. On top of everything else, of course. But yes, she did." Harsh reality sets in for Lucynda, the knowledge that my life growing up was a lot more complicated than she could possibly imagine.

But she is starting to comprehend my torment.

"What about now, Rivian? How can I trust that you're not just playing games with me now?" I want to feel offended by her question. Why would I waste my time with all of this . . . sentimental exchanges and honesty pursuits just to play more negligible games with her. But I know where her question comes from.

Her piercingly glassy eyes await mine, and when I decide to lock our gaze together, she can see that I didn't really think outside of my initial cause of action in order to rectify my wrongdoings. I know that I haven't been able to think about anything other than her since the moment she nearly pierced my heart with the stake.

"I don't know what my plans are for Ameliana," I tell her honestly. "I spent the better half of my life despising her for what she did to me and how she left the twins, devising the very agenda that would rid myself of that ache. She should have been there to save Travois from drowning. She should have been there to watch her kids turn, to comfort them through the transition. She should have been there foryou, to prevent the abuse you had endured in her absence."

Lucynda is crestfallen, her eyes sending signals of a hope that was robbed of her to the very depths of my soul. I can hear her heartbeat cry for the longing of what having a mother would have felt like. It strikes a chord in me, renewing that hatred I feel for Ameliana. But I can't fall back onto those feelings if I wantany chance at fixing the broken tether that hangs between my wife and I.

"But I know I can't fail you. I know that I fucked up in using you for the sake of my battles, and my war. It was just too easy. You were there and…" I don't finish the statement. She knows. She knows I fucked up and that maybe if given the chance, I would have made a better decision. I can't be too sure of that assumption but I can only hope it would be true. That I might open my eyes to the baseless need to have control, to find justification in my puerile ideas of resurrection through the pain of others.

I once promised my mother I'd chase the hope of love. Someone who lights my soul on fire. I don't remember the exact things that were said between us as I've locked the torturous memories away for safekeeping, but the promise remains there. Once, I believed I'd listen to her, stay a man of my word. But it's the only promise I've made that I've yet to keep. I decide it's not too late to go through.

"I have to fix this. I don't know what that could possibly mean for the Society, for your mother, for the twins or for us. But after I saw what I did to you, after I realized that I had become the monster I sought to destroy, I knew." I eat the space between us, desperate to feel her heat again. "I wanted you to hate your mother as much as I did so that my argument for her undoing would be justified, and you'd be on board. Now I don't know what to do about that. I can't just let her back into my life, Lucynda. Intoourlife. I can't forgive her for what she's done. But out of all the things going on right now, all the shit I have to fix, the only thing I can focus on is you."

I reach out to tuck her hair behind her ear, feeling her small gasp against my palm as I do. She’s still affected by my touch. It's all I need to know that there is a fighting chance for us. That I might be able to bring her back to me.

"I don't know if I can forget what you've done, Rivian. I want to trust you if only for the sake of our place in this kingdom, to put the pieces back together. But anything outside of that…" I press my palm to her cheek, urging her to look at me as she fades from her words.

She deserves validity in her requests, in her feelings. I know that. I know that I do not deserve to be forgiven now if ever. But I need it. She doesn't know how badly. I will fucking beg if it comes down to that. But for now, I will simply try my best to inspirit her and prove to her that I won't lead her astray again.

"I need you, Cyn. Tether or not,you are mine. I need you to see that." I lean in and hover my lips over hers, not touching but close enough to feel like it. "But I'll let you take whatever time you require to watch me as I prove to you that you are more than some lore-linked conquest to me."

She gasps. It's small and soft, but I feel it. It's hope. Her body reacts to mine, almost as if she's begging me to come closer, her eyes holding lustandaffliction while her heartbeat flutters in its cage.

"Are you trying to convince me…" she looks up and focuses her gaze on mine. "Or yourself?" Her tone has a strong, flirtatious timbre, but holds an unnerved tone. Like she's feigning her own ability to keep composure.

"What do you mean?" I challenge her.

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