Page 108 of Piece Us Together

I don’t know if that’s enough. Not with everything shattered at our feet.

My heart breaks.

Maybe it’s been breaking all along.

Maybe it’ll never stop.

“We’ll be okay,” he tells me, like he can hear what I’m thinking. Maybe he can. Maybe he’s thinking the same. “Whatever happens—you and I will always be okay.”

I don’t know if I can believe him.

I don’t have another choice.

We have to be okay. I won’t survive anything else.

I’m just not so sure we can be okay without Hunter.

What if we were wrong, this morning? What if there wasn’t any time left? What if it was already too late, what if we’re already too far gone for him?

What if we went and fell in love and now he’s no longer an option?

What if this time around, I ruined everything in a way that I can’t fix?

I pour myself into Nolan, figuring it’s the least I can do after ruining his shot at true happiness. I make sure he gets lunch and water. Make sure he gets warm, comfortable clothes on. Make sure he’s cuddled up in bed with his favorite show on the TV.I tell him he should rest, since we both woke so early and had quite the emotional morning.

He asks things like, “Aren’t you hungry, too?” and, “Should we talk about it?” and, “Did you see the text from Hunter?”

I say things like, “I ate before you woke up,” and, “There’s nothing to talk about,” and, “I haven’t checked.”

Lies. All of them lies.

Hunter had texted us in a group chat, asking us to check in when we could and to let him know we’re okay, with an additional reminder that he’ll be by his phone if we need anything. He’d texted me separately asking if we could please talk about what happened and apologizing for anything he did wrong.

I deleted the texts. Both threads, actually. Deleted his number along with it.

Nolan says, “Maison, I’m scared.”

I say, “Baby, I won’t let anything bad happen to you again.”

He says, “That’s not what I’m talking about.”

I ask, “Do you want another blanket?” I ask, “Is the TV too loud?” I ask, “Do you think you can get some rest?”

He says, “Only if you come lie down too.”

I lie down, tucking him against me and pressing soft kisses to his messy hair. He watches his show. I stare at the wall beside the screen, wondering if my nightmares will get better now that I’ve stopped things with Hunter. Then again, they were pretty bad even before Hunter.

Maybe I should talk to Dr. Singh again. He’s never helped me much, but he’s helped the others a lot. Travis swears by him, which is saying something.

Or maybe I should talk to Hunter—shit, wait, no, Hunter isn’t an option. How did I forget that already? Is he that ingrained in me? Is it really too late?

I close my eyes, determined to fall asleep.

This time, the nightmare isn’t set in my childhood home. It’s not me unable to save Carter and Nolan.

This time it’s just me and Hunter.

And even in my sleep, I’m ruining everything.

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