Page 54 of Hannah.

16

Hannah

I startthe day without being overly concerned with the date I agreed to, but dread starts to build inside me as I go through my classes and the hours tick down. Oh, I so don't want to go out with Conrad tonight, not after what went down between Johan and me. Even thinking back on it makes me feel flushed and hot. I don't even reflect on individual moments, but the overall rush and need that I felt underneath him and with his lips and hands all over me. How long have I been waiting for that? How often have I fantasized about it late at night in bed? A million, at least. And now it’s a reality.

We're supposed to go away together, just him and I, and the reason for the little trip is all too clear. He wants to be my first, and as much as I yearn for the same thing, it's hard to keep the doubts out. It’s all just happening so fast, and now I have this date with Conrad that I tried to cancel gently, but he was insistent. I bet if I told him the truth of the matter, he’d cancel himself at lightning speed, but of course, there is no way that I can do that.

Then there's Astrid in the back of my mind, but thinking too much about her makes me feel sick to my stomach, so I put thoughts of her aside until I’m in a mental place where I can handle it.

I’m in the middle of Johan and Astrid, and that's the last place I wanted to end up. Even worse, Astrid doesn't even know I’m there.

Then there is the fact that Johan knows the secret of my kleptomania. It feels unreal that anyone would know, let alone the man I’ve been developing feelings for years. When he first spoke the words, I felt like an animal in a trap, like I needed to escape or risk meeting certain doom. But Johan wasn't there to punish me; he was there to support and help me. If I hadn't already been fighting the world's biggest crush on him before that, I’d have been helpless at his feet once he held me and made me feel accepted and unashamed about my problem for the first time in my life.

Class ends, and I head back to my dorm, intent on getting ready for this date and then swiftly getting it over with. I’m not even going to try to have a good time, but it won’t matter anyway because no matter how charming Conrad is, he can't hold a candle to the flame of Johan.

I change my clothes and get ready, and soon enough, Conrad arrives to pick me up. I feel awkward—this is not something I do. Dates and things like that aren't for me. I’m a classic introvert. We've opted for an early dinner with the excuse that I have to study, but I don't want to be out late with Conrad or anyone, for that matter.

I hear the sharp and clear knocks resonating against the wood of my door. It slices through the music I’ve been using to entertain myself.

My hand hesitates for just a second before I turn the knob, pulling the door open. There he is, standing in the hallway,slightly fidgety, a white rose in hand. His eyes immediately lock with mine, and I watch as a myriad of emotions dance across his face. Surprise registers first, his eyes widening as they take in my appearance. Then a slow, awestruck smile spreads across his face, and it's like he’s seeing me for the first time all over again.

“Wow,” Conrad breathes out, the word hanging between us like a suspended music note. He looks genuinely stunned, his usual smooth demeanor giving way to open admiration. “You look…absolutely beautiful.”

Looking down at my outfit, I wonder if dressing up for a date I won’t take seriously was a mistake, but Conrad said the place he’s picked out is nice, so I picked a simple emerald green skirt and a white silk top tucked into the skirt artfully. Usually, I prefer darker colors, but something about the warm evening air and the atmosphere around the entire college makes me feel lighter.

“Thanks.” I’ve got my small purse and my boots already on, wanting to avoid Conrad coming inside my dorm. “Are you ready?”

He looks over my shoulder, trying to get a glimpse of my private domicile, but I step out into the hallway, closing the door behind me with a lighthearted smile.

“I suppose,” Conrad drawls. “We could hang out for a little while if you wanted. The reservation is in an hour.”

“Sure, let's take a walk,” I suggest, looping my arm through his and leading him away from my room.

Conrad and I walk across campus, and he does most of the talking. He’s a very charismatic and friendly person, and I can see how he’s gotten the reputation that he has. Everyone seems to know and love him, and despite my hesitations, I find myself relaxing in his presence. I truly hope that he and I can remain friends once this is over.

Once what is over?I think to myself.Once you sleep with Johan and throw every single one of these relationships into disarray?

My mind wanders to my upcoming weekend with Johan and the possibilities it presents. I know I’m not going to regret sleeping with him. Even if nothing comes of it and we part ways, even if we aren't compatible, or if Astrid comes out on top and wins him after all, I know it’s the right decision for me to go and find out what this thing between us truly means. He's been everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend and companion; I hope that he will be the same as a lover. A million things could happen, but I know I made the right choice even if they all go wrong.

“Something on your mind?” Conrad asks, jolting me out of my inappropriate thoughts.

“Just thinking about class,” I lie, turning my head towards the sky and taking in the beautiful evening, the soft pink hues, and the clouds that look like they are made of whipped cream.

“Well, don't worry about that. Just have fun with me tonight, and you'll forget all about school. What are you hungry for? We have plenty of time.”

I pause, frowning. “I thought you said you had a reservation?”

“I made a reservation at a few different places so you could have your choice of cuisine.” Humor sparkles in his eyes. “What are you thinking? Traditional English fare, Italian, Indian?—?”

“Indian.” I agree quickly, laughing. Of course, he would make multiple reservations...I’m getting the idea that Conrad really wants to impress me.

“Navadhanya it is.” Conrad slides his hand down my arm, lacing my fingers with his. I almost shake him off but resist the urge.

Wow, is dating supposed to be this uncomfortable?

Upon arriving at Navadhanya, I notice that Conrad has no trouble relaxing or making me feel the same. The place is lovely, and the smell of spices permeates the air as soon as we open the door. Like most places around Cambridge, it's an old-world cottage-style two-story building, but inside, it is totally modernized with dark yellow walls with blue-gray accents and furnishings of warm wood. Conrad has requested a table on the second floor near the corner to give a semblance of privacy, but the restaurant is busy nonetheless. I’m glad for it, honestly. It makes things feel less intimate. The server comes over immediately, and we order drinks—Conrad suggests a wine, but I want to keep my wits about me, so I go for mango lassi while he gets himself a hard cider.

“This place is great. How did you find it?” I ask, sipping my drink.

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