Page 34 of Hannah.

Lost in thought, I steal a glance at Conrad. His eyes are fixed on the road, a small smile playing on his lips. There's a sense of genuine warmth in his demeanor, and I can't help but feel a pang of guilt for using him as a shield against Johan.

As we drive, our conversation flows, weaving through topics both mundane and meaningful. Conrad is quick-witted, and I find myself genuinely enjoying his company, even as my mind drifts back to the couple in the car in front of us.

With each passing mile, I try to bury my conflicted feelings, reminding myself that this newfound friendship might be the distraction I need. But beneath my laughter, uncertainty lingers, and I wonder how long I can maintain this facade before the truth inevitably surfaces.

12

Johan

Astrid looksas happy as ever, at least on the outside, as she drives us back to Cambridge. But from the corner of my eye, I can see her looking over at me time and time again, and there is this sort of hollowness to her gaze that has me second-guessing myself.

She was so lovely last night, so eager to have me, that I quickly lost track of how strange her behavior really was. It makes me feel like a fool, led by my sex drive and not my mind. But it’s a new day, and I don’t want to pressure Astrid any more than I already have to try and get her to open up to me. Not when I think we both need some more time to think this over.

Spending time with her has always felt like spending time with a good friend with whom I just so happen to have great sex with. Looking back, I realize I might have been drawn to Astrid because she reminds me so much of Hannah. I saw in her the same spark, the same determination, the same taste in oddities, and maybe, just maybe, that's why I fell for her so quickly. At first, I thought I might be in love, but I never craved any sortof commitment with her. I didn’t care for any official title. I thought maybe one day I’d change my mind, but I never did.

I didn’t want to admit it, but now that Hannah is back in my life, there is no denying it. Those feelings for Astrid have never really come to life because of Hannah’s shadow hanging over me. While I care for Astrid, I’ve found myself obsessed with Hannah. Now she’s back in my life, in my country, attending the school I attend and work at, and… she has rejected me. I want her, but from what she said, she doesn’t feel the same.

And I think that’s a damned lie. I can see that she wants me too—it’s everywhere, in how her body seems to gravitate towards mine and how her eyes go soft when we look at each other. Damn…I don’t know what to do. I gave her the opening, and she turned it down.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that it would be because of Hannah’s relationship with Astrid…but here we are. Hannah cares about Astrid enough to spurn me, and how in the hell am I supposed to get past that? Their friendship seems genuine and full of potential…if I had just acted sooner and messaged Hannah back that first day, maybe this never would have happened. But is it wrong of me to wish they had never met, never become such fast friends? Yeah…I can’t deny that it is. They both deserve a good, true friend.

That doesn’t mean that it makes me feel any better about things. I was sure I would set things right with Astrid this weekend and figure out where Hannah and I stand. Instead, I’m right back where I started with Astrid and even farther from Hannah. Not a single part of me is convinced that Astrid is fine with being as casual as she says. I know what she wants hasn’t changed, but the fact that I can’t be the one to give it to her hasn’t changed either.

We’re close to home when Astrid glances at me once more and gives me a small smile. “You look like you’re lost in thought.”

“No,” I lie, not wanting to get into all of this with Astrid when all my thoughts are still so tangled up. “Just a little tired after last night. I need to rest before we return to the real world tomorrow.”

“It did turn into quite the party last night, didn’t it?” Astrid's voice is high and cheery.

“It definitely did.” We’re only a few minutes from my apartment, and if I want to try to talk to her again, now is the time. “Astrid, are you sure…?”

“Darling.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “We’ve already settled this. Let’s not open up this topic again so soon, hm?”

Frustration bubbles up, but I push it down. She’s right. There's no need to talk about it again so soon. “Okay, sure thing.”

She pulls the car up to the curb outside of my building, and like we’ve done so many times, I rotate in my seat enough to kiss her goodbye. It feels easy, but when my lips are about to touch hers, I have the strongest urge to pull away. But I don’t, giving Astrid a quick peck and telling her goodbye. She seems just as happy as she has for the entire car ride, but I’m still not sure I believe her.

Spontaneously, I tell her, “You’re a wonderful woman, Astrid.”

Surprised, she blinks a few times and gives me an airy laugh. “Oh? Thanks, Johan. That’s very sweet.”

Grabbing my bag from the back seat, I heft it onto my shoulder and head into the building. It’s a relief to be back in my own space, without the eyes of so many people who are both important and strangers bearing down on me at all times. God,it’s so good to be alone in my apartment. I wipe the remnants of Astrid from my lips as I walk through my front door, something I’d never felt the urge to do previously.

Throwing my bag on my bed, I need something to settle myself, so I make my way back out to the kitchen and put the kettle on for some tea. Flipping through the different choices, I settle on an orange spice. Leaning on the counter, I flip through my socials while waiting for the water to boil.

Astrid has posted some pictures from the party, and I can’t help but notice Hannah and Conrad talking closely in the background of so many of them. It makes my pulse pound in my head as my blood pressure rises. I think about my friend and the girl, and I can’t get off my mind being romantic with each other. She went home with him in his car, dammit, they could be doing anything right now.

Did she invite him up to her dorm? Or maybe Conrad is now making her tea or coffee in his apartment. Will she be sitting on his couch, and will he join her, putting his hand on her knee and leaning into her space?

Would Hannah let Conrad kiss her after she rejected me?

I have this undeniable urge to check in on her, to give myself some peace of mind. My finger is hovering over Hannah’s Instagram account when a knock on my door scares the shit out of me. Feeling guilty for no reason, I shut the app and go to answer the door. I don’t even need to look through the peephole to know who it is—Conrad makes it pretty clear.

“Let me in, man,” he calls from the other side. “It’s just me.”

I’m hit by a wave of selfish happiness that he isn’t with Hannah, and I pull open the door for him. “Come on in, then.”

He’s still dressed in the same clothes as what he wore leaving Astrid’s estate this morning, with his hands shoved in his pockets and a weirdly mischievous look on his face. “Hello, Johan.”

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