Page 63 of The Kiss Principle

“Goodbye, Fernando,” he said. And then I could hear that lazy smile unrolling again. “I think I love you.”

“I think I love you too,” I said as I disconnected.

I think.

You, I told myself, are a goddamn moron.

The halfway house was on a rundown block. Flattened Burger King cups and FoodMaxx bags carpeted the street, and dusty weeds grew in the sidewalk cracks. An enormous pair of panties was tied around a lamppost like a bow, and I had as many questions about the size of the underwear as I did about how they’d ended up there. Most of the houses had faded paint, missing shutters, even a few boarded-up doors.

But the halfway house looked fresh and clean: crisp white paint, royal blue trim, more of the same royal blue for the door. White curtains hung in the windows. Even the metal fence had been painted white. The yard was free of litter and well-kept. Maybe that was part of the program. Maybe all Chuy needed to keep him clean was a weed wacker.

I parked and got out of the Escalade, but before I could reach the gate, Chuy emerged from the house. All he had were the clothes on his back: an oversized Cal State sweatshirt, a pair of joggers, dingy white sneakers—a brand I didn’t recognize, but I pegged as a Walmart special. They might have been clothes he’d traded for. They might have been clothes he stole or borrowed. The halfway house might have given them to him and, if they’d been smart, burned whatever he’d been wearing. With Chuy, you could never tell. He looked like shit. His hair was longer, falling past his jaw, and although it was clean, it was raggedy, like he’d tried to trim it himself. He was so thin that he looked sick. He needed a Bacon Slayer or eight. His dad was this white guy who’d gone to prison before Chuy was born, and that meant of the three of us, Chuy had always been the lightest. Now his skinwas sallow, and dark circles hollowed out his eyes. Not drugs, by the way—his dad, I mean, in case you’re wondering. He tried to rob a Valero, and he shot the attendant, who happened to be pregnant. She was fine. The baby was fine. Daddy went away for a long time.

I watched Chuy let himself out the gate, and I thought, I’d been too young. We were only two and a half years apart. I’d been too young to get his head on straight. I’d done my best with Augustus, and even then, I’d only been reasonably successful—but a little runt of a cockhound was better than how Chuy turned out. I tried, I thought, and I didn’t know if I was telling myself or telling him. I tried, but I was too young, and I didn’t know what to do.

He didn’t look at me; he walked straight to the Escalade and jiggled the handle. I unlocked it with the fob, and we climbed in. Then I turned the Escalade around, and we started home. We inched our way out of Oakland. We made it onto the 5. Some banger in a Honda Civic almost clipped us, and then we were merging into traffic and headed south.

And he still hadn’t said anything.

Fortunately, being in sales means you learn how to start conversations with charm and aplomb.

“You stupid, selfish, self-centered, egotistical spoiled little fuck of a dick-drip. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

He leaned his head against the window.

“I asked you a question!”

Nothing.

“You’re not going to talk to me?” I asked. “That’s all right. I can talk for both of us. You left an infant in our kitchen, you piece-of-shit excuse for a human being. You abandoned a baby. What if I hadn’t come home that night? What if Mom and Cannon had stayed at a hotel?” My voice was rising, but I couldn’t rein it in. “She could have died!”

“You were in your room,” he said in a low voice. “I checked.”

“You checked? Oh, fantastic. Fucking wonderful. You’re the fucking father of the year. Grabbing your shit and running off like you’re a fucking child. What the fuck is so screwed up inside your head? What the fuck happened to you that you can’t do one fucking thing right?”

“I was doing the best I could,” he snapped. His head came up, and his eyes were dry, but they still looked a little red around the edges. Normally, I’d have attributed that to weed, but not when he’d just gotten out of a halfway house. “I didn’t want to fuck her up any worse than I already had. I was trying to give her a better life.”

“What about my life, you piece of shit? Do you have any idea what the last six weeks have been like? I had to change everything. I had to change work. I had to change my schedule at home. I had to hire a fucking nanny to take care of her so that I didn’t lose my job. I get up two, three times in the middle of the night to feed her. I can’t go out, can’t see friends, can’t do anything because I’m raising your fucking child because you can’t give two shits about her.”

He set his jaw and stared forward.

“You know what this little fuck-parade today cost me?”

His eyes were blank; I didn’t think he was seeing anything as he looked out the windshield.

“My dream job, ass-weasel. The job I have wanted since I was in college. And I had a chance, you know that? I finally don’t have Augustus hanging onto my pubes. Mom is going to marry Cannon, and then she’ll be his problem. And you—Jesus, Chuy, even if I wanted to do something, you’re the fucking disappearing man. They had an opening. I’m a great fit. I finally had a chance. And you fucked all of it, you fucking junkie piece of shit.”

The Escalade rocked over uneven pavement. He looked at me from out of those deep, dark circles around his eyes. “Let’s see. This is the part where I’m supposed to say, ‘Thank you, Fer. You’re amazing, Fer. You’re so special and wonderful. You’re the only thing holding this family together. I love you so much.’”

“I am the only thing holding this family together.”

“Why?”

“Because look at you—”

“Don’t give me that bullshit. You know what I’m asking. Why?” And before I could say anything, he said, “Because you’re the one who saves everyone. Saint Fer. You gave up your whole life for us, and now I have to feel so fucking grateful every time you save me again. You know what? I’m sick of you saving me. Go fuck off and fuck yourself.”

“Fuck you.”

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