Page 1 of The Kiss Principle

1

“Keep it simple, stupid.”

Augustus sounded like he was trying not to laugh. “That is a terrible name for a life plan.”

“It’s not a life plan, sugar-tits.” It took me a moment to come up with: “It’s a life philosophy.”

“It’s terrible either way.”

“Sorry, Augustus. Not all of us had the opportunity to enroll at Dong Knockers University.”

“I have no idea what that means, but I’m going to take it as a compliment.”

“It’s not. It’s a dig about you being a dong knocker.”

On the other end of the call, Augustus sighed. Then his voice changed, and he said, “I’m talking to your Uncle Fer.”

“Is that Lana? Put her on the phone.”

“You want to say hi?” Augustus said, still speaking to Lana. “I don’t know, sweetheart. He’s pretty busy.”

“Give her the phone, monkey balls!”

“All right, here you go.”

Fumbling and scraping noises came, and then Lana said, “Hi, Uncle Fer.” Her voice was flat, but even the diminished affect couldn’t hide her excitement. It made me smile. “Papi’s taking me snorkeling.”

“Swimming,” Augustus said in the background, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

Lana then launched into a convoluted explanation of...something. It had to do with the pool and with another girl and I thought maybe there was something in there aboutFinding Nemo. Finally, Augustus’s voice came closer as he said, “Okay, let me talk to Uncle Fer now.”

“Bye, Uncle Fer!”

“Bye, princess.”

“You never had a cute nickname for me,” Augustus said.

“What’s a cute nickname for a crotch fungus you can’t get rid of?”

In the background, Theo said, “Did I hear ‘crotch fungus’?”

“Fer,” Augustus said.

Theo made an understanding noise.

“Tell him to shut the fuck up,” I said.

“He says he loves you,” Augustus said.

“No, I didn’t, dick-snot.”

“Hi, Fer,” Theo said. “I love you too.”

“Tell him he’s an infected ulcer.” Genius struck. “An ass ulcer.”

“He’s got a new life plan,” Augustus said. “He’s going to keep his life simple.”

Theo laughed way too long about that.

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