Page 2 of The Kiss Principle

“I am going to keep my life simple, fuckwad.”

“You should hear him,” Augustus said, still talking to Theo. “It’s adorable.”

“You know what’s not going to be adorable? When you and Theo send out Christmas cards of you swinging on an ass hook in your sex dungeon.”

“You’re talking about our asses a lot today.”

“That’s because that’s prime real estate for you two butt pirates.”

“Do you think about our asses a lot?”

“This is what I’m talking about. This is the kind of shit I’m not going to have to deal with anymore.”

“Oh Fer.”

I chose to ignore that. “You’re off my hands now because you’re officially the responsibility of the senior living center you call a home.”

“That wasn’t one of your best ones.”

“And Mom’s getting married at the end of the year.”

“God, I hope not.”

“He’s barely older than a cumstain, but he seems like he’s serious, and that means she’ll be out of my hair too.” Augustus’s silence was unhappy, so I hurried past that part. “Chuy is doing his usual fuck-all, but he’s clean, and that means he’s officially not my problem either.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to say clean. I think you’re supposed to say he’s not using drugs.”

“And now that I actually have a chance to live my own life, I’m going to keep it simple. I’m going to smoke a lot of weed. I’m going to watch whatever I want on TV. And I’m finally going to be done with fucking pharma sales.” I didn’t want to sound like an enormous geek like Augustus, but I couldn’t keep myself from adding, “I’ve got a fucking fantastic chance at a new job.”

“What? Fer, that’s amazing. What job? Where?”

“Do you remember Lou?”

Augustus groaned.

“Knock it off,” I told him.

“Are you serious?”

“She’s got one of the biggest grows in the county. Business is fucking booming.”

“I’m not worried about her business.”

“She’s my friend.”

“She gave me panties for my sixteenth birthday. In front of all my friends. Before I was out.”

“That was a compliment. She said you had the ass for them.”

“She said my wedding photos would be me getting gangbanged by a crew of roughnecks.”

“That was a compliment too. Like, stamina. And a willingness to please.”

A (horrified) pause. “What is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with you, you ungrateful little shit?”

“Why do I ever talk to you? Why do I pick up the phone?”

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