Page 7 of Lost in Me

I pull up to the gate and roll down my window, pressing the button. “Mr. Cross, welcome home,” I hear a voice on the speaker.

“Thank you. Please get the guest room ready across from my room,” I state softly.

“Yes, sir, we will do that now,” the man states to the speaker.

I sit back in my seat as the gate begins to open. “This is your house?” Em asks, leaning forward and looking out the windshield.

I smile and nod. “Yes. This is my home,” I say with confidence. I came from nothing, and it took me years to get to this point, and yes, I did it by selling dope. I have worked hard for everything I have. Nothing was just given to me.

The money I make is what made it possible to open the center. I don’t regret how I got rich, and I don’t plan on stopping the way I make money either. I am good at it.

“Holy crap, it’s big,” Em continues looking out the window.

I allow a small chuckle to leave me. “Yes, I guess it is.” I like nice things. I like to spend my money on my community but also on myself. Whoever says money can’t buy happiness didn’t have money because I know it can buy happiness. It is lonelysometimes, but I have never had issues being able to fill my bed with women.

I know that makes me sound like an asshole, but that is what I believe. The more money I make, the happier I have become. It has been hard trying to find someone to share it with. All the women and people in my life seem to want something from me.

Em, though, is different. She has never asked for anything but a job, and she has done great work at the center. She works hard and has proven she wants to help others.

I slowly push down on the gas as I drive through the gate. As soon as we drove through, Em turned back and watched the gate close. She quickly turned back around as we made our way up the pathway toward my house. I pull around and park off to the side of the front door.

I quickly unbuckle my seat belt. Em does the same. She opens her door and steps out, closing the door behind her as she takes a few steps toward my house. I get out and close the door, making my way around the car and stopping beside her. I feel the need to touch her. I crave her warmth, her kindness. I take a deep breath as I lift my hand and rest it against her lower back, slowly starting to guide her toward the now-open front doors.

We quickly make our way up the steps and through the two big wooden doors. I lower my hand from her back and take a few steps in front of her. I slowly turn around. She is looking everywhere. Her eyes are wide.

“What’s mine is now yours. This is your home for the time being.”

She slowly nods and turns and looks at me. She slowly closes the distance I made between us. She stops in front of me. She is close enough that I can feel the heat from her body, which makes my heart race.

“Thank you, Shawn,” she says softly. Her eyes searchmine.

“You’re welcome, Em. Let me show you to your room.” I try to calm down my heart.

She nods and smiles at me as I take a step back and quickly turn around, making my way down the long hallway toward the stairs. I can feel her close behind me as I make my way to the stairs.

Chapter Five

Emory

As we make our way up the stairs, I look at the walls. They are covered with paintings, just like Shawn’s office at the center—pictures of different places around the world. It looks peaceful and uncomplicated. Maybe that is why they draw me, just like his office does. Shawn offers a peace and calmness I am not used to, even now after years of trying to heal. My broken pieces are just as broken as they were before, but now they are being held by tape, tape that I hope stays.

We quickly make our way up and down another long hallway. He stops at the end of the hall and turns to face me. He points to the right. “This is your room.” I turn and look into the room. There are paintings on the walls, fresh blankets, and sheets on the bed, along with a towel and some clothes.

I turn back and look at him. Then, he points to the left. “This is my room. I will be right here if you need anything,” he states softly.

Knowing he is going to be that close makes me feel safe and calm. Also makes me nervous, my nightmares keep me awake, and now they will keep him up as well. I have tried everything to make them go away, but they have stayed with me, a constant I don’t want but have learned to live with.

I nod, not really knowing what to say. Staying in his house feels strange, a little over the top, but after what happened with Jesse, maybe it isn’t. I don’t know where Jesse is, and I’d rather not be alone right now.

There is a conflict inside me right now between feeling strange and out of place here, then feeling safe and calm. It makes no sense to me, and I don’t have the energy to figure it out right now. I am just so tired.

“Dinner will be ready in a few hours. Why don’t you relaxand take a shower?” Shawn asks, keeping his eyes on me. The look in his eyes makes me nervous and curious. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me. I wonder what he thinks about everything that has happened today. A normal man wouldn’t put up with what is going on, but again, Shawn is not normal.

“Okay, thank you,” I mutter quickly.

“No need to thank me,” he states with a small yet warm smile.

“I know, but thank you anyway,” I say softly, watching him quickly walk into me, his chest now against mine. He takes a deep breath as he lifts his hand and gently places it against the side of my face. He leans in and kisses my cheek. My heart skips a beat as he pulls back just enough to look me in the eyes.

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