Page 8 of Lost in Me

“Do you need anything else, Angel?” Shawn asks using my new nickname, which makes my heart melt. I have been so guarded for so long, and even though all this stuff is happening with Jesse, Shawn has a way of making me forget.

“No,” I state softly.

“Are you sure?” he asks, tilting his head a little, which makes him look even sexier than he already does. I don’t think he knows how he looks.

“Yes,” I whisper so quietly I can barely hear myself.

He leans in, almost connecting his lips to mine. This is dangerous. We shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t do this. What the hell is happening? He keeps his eyes locked on mine even though there is a war going on inside my head right now. A big part of me wants to kiss him, wants to feel wanted.

“You are safe here,” he whispers. His eyes continue to search mine as I find the only two words I can say. His scent is consuming me. He is making me dizzy without even doing anything. He must know he has this effect on women.

“I know,” I state with confidence. I know I am safe. I wouldn’t have come here if I thought I wasn’t. My paranoia andguard have kept me safe so far. I don’t do something just to do it.

I watch him smile and lean in the rest of the way, gently connecting his lips to mine. I want to pull away, but instead my body betrays me, and I lean into him instead. The kiss doesn’t last long, maybe a few seconds, and then he pulls back and drops his hand from my face, taking his warmth with him, which makes my heart sink a little.

“I will be in my room,” he whispers softly.

I nod and take a step back. I watch him turn and go into his room, leaving me alone in the hallway, confused and turned on. Turned on by his touch, his lips against mine … this is not what was supposed to happen. I came here for his protection, not to get with him, but who can say no to Shawn Cross?

I take a deep breath, turn, and head into the room. I head straight for the bathroom, turning on the light. The entire bathroom is dark blue marble. It is gorgeous, like everything else in this house.

I make my way over to the shower and turn on the hot water. I turn back and look into the mirror as I quickly remove my shoes, pants, underwear, socks, shirt, and bra. I stand there for a moment, looking at myself in the mirror. Today has been terrifying and completely confusing.

I feel guilty and ashamed for the kiss and allowing him to touch me. No one has touched me like that. Not gentle and kind. The last man who touched me was Jesse, and since then, I have made sure to keep my distance from men—only friends, never lovers. Lovers make things complicated, and lovers would ask questions about what I have been through.

But Shawn already knows, so he doesn’t ask questions, which is nice. He read my file and knows almost all the details of my relationship with Jesse. There are some things I left out, and some things are better left unsaid.

I continue to look into the mirror, and that is when I seeShawn standing in the doorway with a bathrobe in his hands. For a moment, I forget I am naked. For a moment, I forget about Jesse and everything else the future might bring. Right now, my attention is on Shawn as he slowly walks through the doorway and comes up behind me. He reaches around me and places the bathrobe on the counter in front of me.

I feel my heart racing as the full-length mirror shows off my entire naked body. I lift my arms and wrap them around my breasts even though he has already seen them. He takes another step, stopping when his chest is now against my naked back. He leans in, keeping his hands at his sides, and places his lips against my ear as he keeps his eyes on mine in the mirror.

“You are beautiful. You don’t have to hide from me,” he states softly.

“We shouldn’t do this” This is wrong. This is not right. This is forbidden. He is my boss, but just like in Eden, we women always seem to want things we shouldn’t.

“I know.” His voice is low, dark, making my heart race after everything I have been through, the trauma I have survived and tried to heal from. You would think this situation would make me uncomfortable, but in a strange way, I actually want this. I want him. I want to be wanted by someone that is not Jesse.

I want to prove Jesse wrong when he told me no one else would ever want me and that he was the only one who would ever love me. I want to make sure what he told me was just another lie to get me to stay with him. To not turn him in. I need to know. I have to know.

“I shouldn’t be here with you,” I say, hearing the shakiness in my voice.

“I know that also,” he says with a small smile.

“I should go,” I murmur softly, trying to catch my breath. We haven’t even done anything, and I am sweating, my heartracing.

“That is not going to happen,” he states, continuing to stare at me.

“Why?” I ask needing and wanting to hear his answer. Wanting validation that he wants the same thing I do in this moment.

“Because I want you, Angel, and I know you want me.” His lips gently leave my ear and rest against my neck. I stand completely still as he reaches his hands around me, grabbing my arms and forcing me to slowly lower them, exposing my naked body to him. He keeps his eyes on me as he begins to kiss my neck. Part of me wants to push away, wants to run, and part of me is afraid he is going to turn out like Jesse, but the other part is curious and desires what he is willing to give me.

His lips start to move down my neck, which makes me flinch. He stops and quickly pulls away. His hands are now holding my wrists at my sides. His eyes are not angry, but confused and worried. I hate that I flinched. I hate that even now, Jesse is destroying my life.

“Do you want me to stop?’ he asks in a concerned voice.

I don’t respond. I can’t find any words right now, so I do the only thing I can. I shake my head.

“Are you afraid of me?” he asks in a pained voice, catching me off guard. Shawn doesn’t seem like the type of guy that would get offended, but he seems concerned by my reaction to him. If I could turn it off, I would, but I can’t control it. I have tried, and after all these years, I finally thought I had it under control, but today has helped me realize that a lot of things I thought were over are not. This is just another thing to add to the list.

---