Page 37 of Lost the Handle

I shake my head before letting her go and turning my back to her. I cup the back of my head with both hands, breathing in deeply as I look up into the night sky. The sky is so dark and empty, mirroring how I feel. There are no stars, and once more, I can compare that to my own life.

Emery may be crazy, but she’s always brought so much light to my life.

I take a step down and lower myself onto the front stairs, leaning forward on my knees. It isn’t until this moment that I remember the Brookses are inside. I shouldn’t have come here. Shit, if my dad hears me, he’ll get on to me for letting Emery get under my skin again. He doesn’t like how things have played out between us, and while he still cares deeply for Emery, he doesn’t want me getting hurt by her again. Though, I’m sure he’d take her insane ass over Ava any time of the day.

My mom sits beside me and cuddles into my side, wrapping both her arms around my forearm. I close my eyes and lean myhead into hers. She doesn’t say anything, doesn’t ask questions. We just sit together for a long time. Tears continue to fall, and I swear my soul hurts. I don’t know how that can be or if that’s even what I’m feeling, but I just feel so fucking empty.

I shouldn’t have said those words to Emery.

I shouldn’t have lied to her.

I clear my throat before I exhale. “I went out with Flynn and Sawyer, and Emery was there,” I start, and if my words surprise my mother, she doesn’t let on. Instead, she rubs my forearm, listening intently, but no more words come out. I can’t tell her how Emery made me feel, how I was trying so desperately to protect her, but in doing so, I’m pretty sure I hurt her. Something I don’t want to do. I’m not the vengeful type and I understand why she left, so I don’t want to hurt her.

I close my eyes, feeling like an idiot, before I mutter, “We got into a huge fight.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” she whispers. “What about?”

I explain that Emery’s been living with me and that she’s hell-bent on me not marrying Ava. I don’t miss the grin my mom tries to hide as she says, “Well, that’s pretty on-brand for our dear Emery.”

“Yeah, but she’s taking it too far, and Ava is pissed.”

“About what? Ava isn’t living with you, and you two are childhood friends.”

“Yeah, but Ava knows we’re more than just childhood friends, Mom. She thinks that Emery will do something to embarrass her family. Hell, I’m sure she’s nervous I’ll call the whole thing off. She knows how I feel about Emery.”

Mom doesn’t say anything for a long while, but then she says, “You knew she was coming back anyway, right? I think Emery decided before Grandpa and Grandma passed.”

My heart clenches at the mention of my grandparents, who loved me and always encouraged something between Emery and me.

You two look good together,Grandma would say.

The greatest lover is a best friend,Grandpa would say while waggling his brushy brows at me.

I ignore that thought—hell, I’ve been ignoring a fucking lot when it comes to Emery lately. But the tears in her eyes, the sob that broke from her lips…no, I can’t ignore that.

That reaction is engrained in me.

“You two were so young?—”

“But she left,” I say in a low voice. “I know why. I get it. But Mom, I would have loved her. Not stifled her or held her back.”

“You’re right, and I trust and believe that. But I understand her truth too. She was scared.”

A tear rolls down my face as I think back to the moment out at the chalet for Christmas. How the snow fell around us and she choked back her sobs. She was young. We both were, and honestly, we still are. I can’t kick the knowledge that she ran. She cut off communication. She didn’t want to stay even the most casual of friends. She wanted an acquaintance she could wish happy holidays to. “I don’t believe she wants me. It’s more that she’s a toddler and someone has stolen the toy she wanted.”

My mom tsks as she shifts back to look at me. I meet her pleading emerald eyes, and they cut just as deep as my lie to Emery did. “Emery is a lot of things, but you know as well as I do, when she wants something, it’s because she truly wants it.” I let myself digest what she just said, but the insecurities stay at the forefront of my mind. My mom’s voice is small and hesitant as she says, “Quinny, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why you’re so determined to marry that girl. I know Emery has a lot of faults, and I understand why you feel the way you do. But have you asked what she is thinking? Have you two talked it out?You have a lot unsaid between the two of you. It seems you two jumped right into how it was before, and honey, everything has changed.”

“You’re right. We did,” I say, shaking my head. “But really, it doesn’t matter.”

She wipes my cheek, catching a tear I hadn’t realized had fallen. Her eyes are wise and so full of love. “I think it does.”

“It can’t,” I whisper. “Emery will ruin everything.”

Air rushes out of my mom as she wraps her arms around me like she wants to put me back together. For the first time in my life, I know she can’t. The only glue that could is Emery.

Shit, I can’t think like that.

Mom kisses my cheek, and against it, she offers, “Or she’ll make everything the way you’ve always wanted it to be.”

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